reading sappy fanfiction again, i wonder whether i truly know what i want to be in the future.

do i want to be a doctor? or an engineer? it's a sudden flash of inspiration, maybe rebellion in thinking of pursuing such a

but i can't make up my mind and.



i wonder whether i can truly devote my life to helping people the way a doctor does. i wonder whether i'm strong enough to handle all of it - the loss of life, the heavy, heavy responsibility, the death, the gore, which i'm not entirely sure whether i can stomach, all of it.

i wonder whether i'm compassionate enough, i wonder whether i can be a person who can deal with ethical issues and everything, i wonder how i can explain to people that someone died in my hands, and i wonder ...

i wonder whether i'll have time to raise a family, get married, and have children. then again, i don't know if i'm gonig to have children that much either. maybe adopt? but then again, i'm not sure.

but helping people? yes, i'm sure i want to help people. but sometimes ... it seems like the mundane side of life takes over; it seems like no, there aren't people dying all over the world, or no, that just happens anyway, and there's just people struggling to get along with their daily, busy lives.

but okay, i think that i know my choice of subject combinations will take me where i want to go in the future (except film-making, but n'importe quoi! i'll pick that up on the way. along with photography and contemporary dance and guitar playing and proper voice.), be it engineering or medicine.

but, medicine? i'm scared that i'll lose hope, i wonder how my take on death works out on this, i'm scared that i'm not strong enough, and i'm scared i won't have time to have a life outside this job. oh god, i'm scared. i'm so, so scared.

but all of a sudden i don't want to drop bio honours. ahhhhhh. but i'm going to take it anyway and in the end. awn.

now, let's talk about engineering, take me, i, i like learning physics and chemistry and how it all comes together, i like physical, interesting stuff we can create like new materials and new technology.

still it seems meaningless (slightly) when compared to saving lives. yet i don't know if learning about anatomy, drugs, diseases, and how to treat them. my interests seem to lie in physics and chemistry, but in terms of my motivation, it seems to be in medicine. i have no idea what to do, but i'm confident in my subject choice.

let's see where this goes then.

i'm late, i'm late! (for ballet)
(so you think you can dance is fabulous)  ¶ 4:49 AM 0 Comments

  hmmm, i feel the need to write more than ever. perhaps LJ doesn't quite cut it for writing, i'm not sure. but maybe Blogger will help me find my muse. another thing i have to rant about is, why aren't there any good het pairings for me to write? i swear, my writing muse has something against slash. i can't write slash fic properly. but i can't write het pairings well either. maybe i should do gen. o0

poetry and drabbles it shall have to be now.


today, i
meandered around the house in boxers and a small top
thought about the golden sunshine shining down on us
in the fast crush of life, the sweet insanity of school and friends and kissing
hummed our song under my breath while doing my work,
wondered how long this sweet insanity fast crush kissing song under my breath
will last.

i don't tell you, but
i'm scared it won't last, and so after all has been said and done,
you see that i'm
just, a sad little girl,
scared of losing you.



i dream of dancing, putting myself through amazing lifts and jumps and drops and splits, and with you as my partner, there to support me through everything. dancing alone is no fun.  ¶ 2:21 AM 0 Comments

 

You guys should get livejournals. When you do, poke me with your LJ and i'll add you to the flist. And you could also read the LJ here, http://kylaye.livejournal.com But some stuff is friends-locked see.

Being nice, i'm plunking stuff from there to here:

So today's the night before I leave. I'm ... I just went through my mum's inspection. Through the nagging and the scolings and "Kylie why are you so stupid?" (Not really stupid, but inefficient/blur/something like that), it's nice to know that she's worrying for me at least.

And I feel damn sad for myself, because my mum insisted on me packing my homework away into my luggage and not into my hand-carry luggage and what's on my mind is that, damn i'm going to miss out on a lot of homeworking. There you have it, my deepest and saddest confession. Even though I don't feel that sad because of that fact about me, it's nice to have something to do on a plane - during this interface between two places it's just empty space, and a lot of time to think about stuff. Besides the journalling and sketching that will inevitably go on, it's nice to have something profitable to do, something that I have to do and wouldn't mind doing to enhance my mind and save me time? Yeah.

Even through my sore throat, it's hard not to feel excited. Leaving on a jet plane, and this time it's for Bali. (And all of this reminds me again, of Arnaud. There, I said his name.) (It's hard to think of it as such because it hurts and stings a little, but it's our first anniversary, love. There's a big, big, long, long letter to you that's overdue, but you see I still haven't forgotten and I wonder what you're doing now ... )

Hoping I get better, and hoping I'll come back with a lot of kick-ass writing, thoughts, designs and ideas!(And yes, being away from family is still scary. This time I'll miss them all so much more I think. Especially Bryan. It's hard to think of him as a little brother and not Bryan, or as Bryan but not a little brother. But man, I will miss hugging him and my parents.)

because you wash over me like sunshine

you seep into me like rain

you're a pretty bundle of contradictions

and now you're also mine

as i am yours, willingly,

not in vanity nor to spite

but as i am ...

my train of thought has been brutally wrenched off/apart by my mother's bitching about my lack of memory/efficiency/smartness to have remembered to bring stockings. (note: why am i so infatuated with the idea of "i'm yours" now? must have been the song.)

hey dearies! i'm back from bali!

and yes i missed you when i was looking for myself out thereBali was ... a whole lot of lectures and camwhoring, me finding myself alienated by the language barrier but eventually fitting in, a lot of walking by the beach (not so much of the water) and beautiful sunsets and sunrises, a surprising lot of excursions actually, alcohol (but sadly not enough of it), me being homesick and emo on the approximate anniversary, stars so bright, sand in my pants!, good food! (we had pastries every day for breakfast, and i was pretty much very very happy.) and other stuff. Train of thought derailed again by having to go out for lunch.

So, it was fun but some times frustrating. The last few days remain the best days of the trip, I think. When we landed, we saw ocean, and suddenly waves breaking on a sandy beach, and needless to say, I was completely won over, and fell in love with Bali. Well, so we took a bus to the hotel, where we got abandoned by Dr. Yong and left to find our own rooms. My roommate took the key and was out; so I couldn't get in and had to crash at Shiyang's room. The first night, we had a welcome banquet and I also met my group! Which consisted of 8 Indonesians and 1 Singaporean, me. And I was alienated by not speaking Bahasa Indonesian; so it led me to realize that actually it's pretty hard not speaking a language. After the banquet some guy asked me whether I wanted to go out with him and some friends. And I was like ... okay, until we had to practice for our "cultural performance" on the last day. So I couldn't go. But it was ... interesting.

Lectures were really boring, shan't say much about them.

Poster competition was really screwed up, shan't say much about that either.

We went to the President's Palace one day, for a press conference; and also an excursion - We went to this monument, followed by this complex where they were building the biggest statue in SEA (But it's not completed yet), followed by the Ulu Watu temple by the sea (Which was really, the most beautiful part that I remembered about Bali.) where we watched this Balinese traditional dance while the sun was setting in the horizon. Then we had a seafood dinner by the beach. Literally, on the sand and by the beach, and the waves were crashing with a deafening roar, and the table was illuminated by lamps. It was ... incredibly beautiful. One of the things that I enjoyed the most was being able to wake up and watch the sunrise from the apartment, and also being able to see the stars, for once I actually realized why people love seeing the stars out there, understanding feeling lost amongst the stars and all.

The last day was really, craziness. After we came back from shopping along Kota Beach, me Eliza and Donovan went out walking, where we met several Liason Officers who were damn high. We bought spongebob ice-cream (no i'm serious. it's chocolate-banana flavoured.) and stuff. =p basically we didn't sleep at all the whole night. stayed by the beach and emoed a bit while singing songs to Donovan's guitar-playing. We walked around, we walked to Macs, we walked along the stretch of beach outside the hotel and scared ourselves silly when dogs barked at us or when statues or wooden windchimes were tinkling. I suppose it will remain the most memorable day; walking about with friends in a foreign country late at night on a super damn high and with a guitar singing songs on the beach. Missed you guys a big lot too, wish you were all there with me. <3

And now, here are some pieces:

because

you wash over me like sunshine

you seep into me like rain

i know you've got me truly conquered

when your smile won't leave my mind.

you know you've got me well and truly conquered when the warm sunshine reminds me of your smile, when i leave and i miss you incurably, like a plague. and surprisingly, i don't think i can care too much. you wash over me like sunshine; sometimes it feels like i am drowning in honey and everything's so golden-sweet and everywhere, it smells like we are saturated with love and craziness. you seep into me like rain, when it creeps between my layers of clothes and slips languidly between my skin, when the rain changes me so subtly yet so surely that i can't deny it, enither can i deny you. do i sound like i am hopelessly infatuated, hopelessly besotted? maybe i am, but i had hoped that i had moved past this stage, past being jealous with no reason of every passing girl. it's hard; love's not easy - it scares me so much sometimes - but i'm trying to love you. (This part sounds so incredibly bad and clichéd, I want to cut it out.) it is when i hear our song playing in my ears that i know i am willingly and irrevocably yours, yours to hold and kiss and yours to destroy, but i can only trust and hope that you won't hurt me. (Comes from a song, I think. "but I hope you won't hurt me". Oh. Dancing by Eliza. ) and that i won't hurt you. play our song again, strum it out and my thin voice won't join yours, and baby (eeks sounds horrible) don't hurt me. i don't want to hurt you. i hope we will be happy.

because the blue sky is you

and the white clouds are me

the blue ocean is you

and the ripples are me

and i could so drown in all the

blue.

blue eyes, chatin hair (you told me it was a color, i think)

searching tongue and a stubble

i can't forget. i can't get it out

of my mind at all, the soft rock

plays and i think of you.

the rain falls and i wish you were near

everytime i see the banners,

strung up and the lights dimmed low and the fire blazing,

smoke in the air but our message clear,

the silly games we played, our awkward dance

it has been a long time and so has the longing

been langorous and biding its time, slowly

etching your gorge through the river of me (how geographically incorrect)

it's deep now,

i step off the ledge and

step into it.

i feel you in my soul's breath. (how -not- Imagism)

i am a fool and a sorry one too. i understand if you walk out of that door in cyber-space. i just wanted you to know that this fool is crazy for you. it took me a year to realize that and i wonder what you're diong now, where you are now.

and i realize that i'm scared of losing the people i love. which is quite obvious. but still. it's more obvious and more defined now.

  ¶ 10:16 PM 0 Comments

  Jul. 16th, 2008
I had the strangest dream last night, I swear. It was a strange world, and the thing is that I can actually imagine how my dreams come to take the form that they do, from the things that have been on my mind lately. It was interesting, though, trying to understand my own mind better. I reember trying to choreograph a dance, but on a given theme, Devil. Now that I think about it it is quite disturbing, but in my dream I was thinking chaste and undemonic thoughts; really trying to express the lurking, dangerous, sinful? feel of the theme, that it gave me. Quite disturbing actually, now, argh. Elisa's Dancing also playing in my mind and it's honestly, quite scary. And so, today I was talking with my mum in the car, and I told her about what I felt about Darwin and his tragic, tragic life. It was interesting because of her view on religion and how she arrived at her conclusion. Last year was a formative year for me, and I arrived at how I feel about religion now. And she said that, whether or not God created the world and whether or not evolution is true or not is immaterial to her, that it doesn't change her belief in God. That whatever that was written in the Bible or not - it can't be taken at face value, you must see ... underneath the underneath?A big, big, God figure is something that we want I think, even I do, but I don't want to live my life this way. I do not agree with religion, especially the rules on how belivers have to live their lives, I feel that these are ... not how I want to live my life. We're off to the canteen for RHD activities now.
Posted at 10:35 am Link Leave a comment Add to Memories Tell a Friend
Jul. 15th, 2008
Cummings is taking over my mind and putting/pulling me into a very romantic, mellow, and soft mood. I love it when I get how he fragments up the stuff. How can I describe it? It's like floating even as I'm walking, it's like cotton candy (Reminds me of the seniors' product that looked like pink cotton candy as they were rotovapping it, how strange), it's like warm nostalgic sunshine, it's sad and sweet and unbelievably deep and into me and it ... reduces me to a bunch of emotional crap. Staring me in the face upside down does not do anything about my mood. But anyway, it's good; I love his poetry. My favourite is still I like my body when it is with your body; it's so ... sensual and straightforward. But also I hear the glass pieces cracking and splintering and scraping into powdery sharp pieces; and I feel sad because I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm not sure what I can do. Playing Mafia is like ... it's like doublethink. Trying to forget that you're Mafia and hence appearing more Town, while still remembering somewhere inside your mind that you're Mafia. Does that make sense? At least that's how I play; today I won my first game as Mafia! xD Quite unbelievable right, especially since it's not like I just started playing Mafia. But mmmmmmmm quite sad about the glass. But you know, watching the documentary Darwin's Dangerous Idea. Made me:1. Rediscover why I like Bio - "How can I realize that we are all inextricably linked to every other living thing and not be overwhelmed by it?"2. Feel so damn sad for the guy! He struggled with publishing his work or not, he struggled with religion, his work and his family and his beliefs throughout his whole life; his daughter died and he refused to enter the church to pray for her ... and that just about breaks my heart, and makes me feel sad. Because although I am quite sure, for now, that I do not want to have a religion, I know that it's also ... very hard to be this way. Because of all the evangelising that goes on, because of personal relationships, and because maybe, we just want somewhere to entrust our faith? Look at me now; I don't believe in a God, but I believe in a sort of ... spiritual energy that exists in this world. You know those times where you feel that there's something more to our existance than just our physical selves, that we're standing on the edge of everything and feeling free and at peace; even though I don't believe in a God, I feel that feeling too. If I'm not wrong (and pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don't let me be wrong about this.), this is what believers feel too, and this they associate with a God, maybe. But I believe in the existance of this spiritual energy, that it manifests itself in us and some of us choose to call it God. But I don't think it's a God. It's more than that; but that's what I believe exists. But it's hard, thinking in a different way. But I know I arrived at this conclusion through my own thinking and my own beliefs; and I find it echoing in several places. Like, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, in A Letter to a Hostage wrote, about a mysterious energy radiating through the sands of the desert, and I know or I choose to believe that this was what he meant. And; yeah. It's strange how Evolution sparks of so much thought on this subject but at the same time not so strange, because of what it concerns, this module. Which is also my favourite Bio module of this semester, no surprise there. 3. Wondered how personal relationships will work out. I will not, never, change my religion to suit what my to-be spouse believes in. If need be, I will raise my children the same way my parents raised me. Which will throw them into a whole lot of confusion and angst, but ... I realize that I'm more ... I realize that by forcing myself/being forced to consider this strongly, I'm more ... at peace with myself, I know I don't understand everything but I know that this is what I think, this is my belief and outlook, and it's ... yeah. So yeah; that's why I hate it when people try to spread their religion. Even though it's for ... salvation or something? It's. It's not like they're actually infringing on my decisions or influencing or doing something bad. It's just that ... when I choose something this big, I want to think about it long and hard and be absolutely sure this is what I want. I don't want to be preassurized into it. And sometimes I feel there is a whole big lot of pressure; because it's not easy to be different, because of how widespread religion is. It's not easy to believe in your own convictions against what other people believe in, but it's nice when such things as religions do not come into play. How I know that humanity is connected by more than just religion; that (I think) religion is not the whole of our being. I believe certain things like love and hope fall outside the bounds of religion, even though religion can certainly help you to attain them.And why am I so ... agitated. Must be the video, for from it what I concluded was that: You should believe in God because otherwise your daughter will die and when you are told to pray for her you feel a sharp keening sense of pain and then you can't send her off to wherever it is people go after they die, if any at all. And then. Yeah.
Tags: cummings, poetry, religion
Posted at 10:57 pm Link Leave a comment Add to Memories Tell a Friend  ¶ 8:13 AM 0 Comments

  Why won't you guys get Livejournals??????? *convertconvertconvert*
Find me at: http://kylaye.livejournal.com
Anyway, to be nice, I'm going to post both on this blog and on my livejournal. - just copy the posts on my LJ and transfer it here:

Jun. 11th, 2008
Dumplings, Chinese Dragon Boat Fest Dumplings are good, so good and warm and delicious. People are like dumplings, I think. They have many layers and they taste good? They're amazing; and even more so because my aunt gave them to my family to eat.

Jun. 13th, 2008
location: Home
mood: content
music: CaramelldansenUpdates then; the superglue that got stuck on my fingers when I was trying to glue together the magnet for Crystal is still there. Rawr. I wonder if there's any thing in the lab that can get it off my finger without taking off my skin with it. Woke up to rain today, thought that it was still early (And it was.), snuggled deeper into my haphazard pile of sheet and blanket and lazed around, half dozed, half slept. Maybe I dreamt but if I did I must have forgotten my dream or even dreaming. And with the sound of rain around me, cold fended off with blankets, it was goooooood. Relaxing, comfortable, content. And my brother came in, poked me and said that he was going out. Before that, my dad also came and poked me before going off to work. Which is sweet of the both of them, but also quite annoying because damn, I want to sleep and be lazy in my bed. When I woke up, the house was lit with ... greyish light? General mood of grey and laziness and lazing. And the rain also started getting smaller and less heavy so. And now it's shining with a vengeance but that's okay, I like that too. Off to play piano now then. I refuse to call it practise. Partly the influence that Corda has effected on me. Go watch it!
( Ｇｅｔ　ｉｎｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　ＬＪ　ｃｕｔ，　ｄａｍｎ　ｉｔ． )
Tags: 30_kisses, corda, rain, ryoutaro/kazuki, superglue

Jun. 14th, 2008
that media competition thing
What happened today was; I had to pick the meat off 4 boiled fish heads, and I tell you, the stench is horrible. While I may have hence gotten better acquainted with fish anatomy, it was disgusting. There was slime on my fingers that also started to dry after a while of plucking and picking at fish bones and meat. And there were one or two ants that started crawling in. Eeurgh.

what follows is a long spammage of things associated with rhythm and definitions.

Jun. 15th, 2008
In which I declare my undying love for Dwayne
So, I watched Little Miss Sunshine again on Friday with Andy, Shiyang over at my house, and my brother tagging along for the ride. In the middle of our circle square of fraternity was a tub of ice cream. (toffee and chocolate. Was amazing how we didn't notice that there were two different flavors in the tub until much much later.)And I fell in love with Dwayne Hoover. Again. The same as every other time I've watched the movie. Oh, my god. How can I watch this amazing movie and not adore this character?Dwayne is played by Paul Dano; who is pretty adorable too; but who I fell in love with was the character he played. He's so, incredibly, well, anguished yet comical at the same time?I would go in deep, deep detail as to why I love Dwayne but that would be a hell lot of spoilers. Oh hey, LJ cuts.
( Here be spoilers for Little Miss Sunshine, the awesome movie which you have not watched. )
Tags: little miss sunshine

I should find some challenge regarding sappy/sweet/quirky love declarations. That would be fun. Or a collection of sappy/sweet/quirky love declarations, like ... "I would never stick my head in a gas oven at the end of an evening with you." from About a Boy. Or ... I don't know but I'll think of some and make a list. Splay is a nice word I think. I meant to type I think but it came out a thing. Which I then corrected. But it's a nice word. The feeling fits its usage.

Jun. 18th, 2008
whee. this is fun. even though i hate blackjack, meh.
You Are the Ace of Hearts
Youthful and playful, you love life and the world. You have a kind spirit, and you bring happiness to everyone you know. Artistic and bold, you see the world in bright colors. And you certainly aren't afraid to express everything you see and feel. You are sentimental, and your emotions are very deep. You are easily swept away and easily hurt. A gamble you should take: Blackjack Your friends would describe you as: Unique

Jun. 29th, 2008
short note to self for 30 kisses: explore failure, trying to exceed one's limits, trying to get better but failing. rejection. oh, how sasuke.
Posted at 01:49 pm
Jun. 20th, 2008
I think I need to watch Corda again if I want to write it properly.
Tags: corda, fanfiction

Jul. 3rd, 2008
i feel lost and left out and a bit out of place. i hope it's temporary. but it's still not gone. bah.

The Internet is screwing me up. Rather, my new second hand computer is. It's eaten up my posts two times already!I'm super annoyed. Therefore, you shall get only a condensed, summarized version of the plot/ideas. A girl and a guy. Lying on a bed in a dimly lit room, either by a warm orange lamp or light streaming it/flitting in from the windows, dreary grey light that is lazy and sleepy. It may or may not be raining, but maybe it should be raining. And they wonder, they think, about how long this endlessness, aimlessness, everything, simplicity and togetherness will last (I'm thinking in italics here.) How perfectly happy they are, lying in each other's arms or tangled up in each other. And coffee maybe; they're a bit sad, they know that ... their lives have sadness in them too, but there's also a lot of beauty and raw emotion that comes from each other. "We were too caught up in ourselves and our suffering and beautiful sadness to know what we wanted, what we really wanted, what we needed to do and what we needed." But it's not too late?It should start something like this:It started like this. He asked her, "Have you kissed a guy before?"She replied, "No.""Would you like to be my girlfriend?" (Because he's offering, yet hoping, yet trying to be nonchalent.)She thought a while, stared at her shadow, and said, "Yes."And that was how they began.\The first time they kissed, her heart was beating with excitement and curiosity and fear, his heart was beating with fear and curiosity and excitement. (It was dark, with no one in sight, and she wondered if this was anything like how she imagined her first kissed to be. (talk about the place.)) It wasn't what she thought it would be like, it wasn't how he thought it would be like either. The slight moment of fear, uncertainty, being thrown off guard when their lips met, And enjoying it, yet being slightly scared. And uncertain. And a bit sad. Because she didn't know if/that she loved him yet. \ Her attitude towards relationships? Was she loose? \ Kissing another boy and feeling scared, curious, and feeling like she was betraying the guy but wondering why, it wasn't emotion, it was ... just there. Relationships do not have to be made of love. \ Some realizations, some moments and some drabbles. Her giving the guy a pot of orchid. The guy staring at it, the girl wondering why she chose to do that for him, it wasn't really love. It was ... obligation and duty. And her picking out the flowers, finding a heart in the centre, debating and still buying it anyway. \ Insert missing him scene somewhere. Missing him and wondering why, why, when it shouldn't be. \ Birthdays, thinking about relationships. A bit of sadness, him comforting her. \ At some point of time, wondering how exactly she did feel about him. Fearing how she did feel, and not knowing exactly how she felt. Realizing that ... she didn't know and that she was scared. Being scared of commitment and falling and being tied down should definitely feature alot throughout the story.\ Insert love letter/letter somewhere.\Insert eye contact somewhere. \ Insert sadness and knowing the world as it was and maybe comfort/hurt?\At some point in time there should be ice cream and chocolate. Weird questions, like I am wont to do, and displays of affections that they find themselves moved to do. They should have been falling in love without realizing it, and a hell lot of fluff would be good. While still making it balanced. \ And around the end should be the lying in bed part. \Or some other realization that she loved him, that she did love him. That though they were sad they were there, they were together. And that they wouldn't have it anyway else.\ The guy should have more scenes. Thinking about how beautiful she was, how he wanted to protect her. But I must admit I don't know how a guy loves a girl. The guy doing something sweet for her. Giving her flowers and being rejected, because they were ... ephemeral and did not last. Seeing them in her room making him smile. Maybe he should draw and draw her and in doing so capture moments in which he loved her, she was beautiful and special.Wow, I like this. I like the opportunity for fluff, yet knowing how things aren't perfect, how we're all a bit broken but together still pretty darn beautiful.Okay. Shall save this now.
Tags: renaissance, writing

Jul. 5th, 2008
Oh, and a lot of rain should feature in the story as well. Reading Cancy's blog, I'm slightly envious of her life. Her teenage years. But I know that mine is ... different, special, broken, and beautiful. Too.Falling slowly is playing in my ears. Now life is mundane and slow, and the rain falling outside makes me mellow and contemplative. I'm also quite sad because I think that ... mm nevermind it's not good here. Even though I know that I love her to bits and she too does so, but sometimes things like this make me want to be angry, but at the same time I can't really feel angry. Rawr. And I'm wearing my brother's shirt now. But I didn't know that when I picked it up. Life is mundane and slow, sometimes like fireworks that burst in brilliance then fade leaving whispers of light in the night sky, but blinding in that instance. Sometimes I'm sad, so moody and feeling alone; but it's really nothing. But at the same time it's so ... raw and real and, it lets me know that/makes me feel like I'm alive. It's like splintered glass? Beautiful but it cuts; work is work and is mundane yet I like learning and going to school and class and interacting with people. I love people around me, I love being affectionate and sometimes I'm so happy and high that I could burst. I'm not happy but I'm content. I'm like, I'm lazy over the weekend when the rain is falling and everything is slow and quiet. It's how i live now.

choir concert
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round! ~RG Choir concert has left me hooked on songs from Queen and Grease; and in a strange way, made me question my decision 4 years back on whether I should go to NUS High or RGS. I always think, to live life without regrets, and I hate regrets and hate thinking what would have happened had this happened. But about the concert, it was actually one of the few times I've heard a real choir perform (No our school choir doesn't count.), and it's so beautiful how the voices blend and it must be nice to be part of the experience, and producing it. Michele, dear, you were absolutely beautiful. ^^ This weekend, I am ... sniffling badly, which is sad, and doing maths. I hope I can finish my work and start writing for Renaissance sometime this afternoon.Oh yeah, and I started on an idea for a tattoo; it's not original, sadly, there are people who have tattoos like this but it's the loveliest and saddest landscape I know and it's from one of my favorite books, The Little Prince. Can you figure it out?Spend last night browsing a lot a lot of Quotable Tattoos, and they're all so unbelievably beautiful. I want a block of text on my back, I think. And the loveliest and saddest landscape, I'll put it somewhere ... near my ankle? Or on my hip. Or below my collar bones? But I think I want to keep my back clean first; I don't want a collection of them, I want something ... beautiful and collected.
Tags: choir, concert, tattoo

Jul. 12th, 2008
And Jun Yup has just told me that I have left my jacket inside the Gamelan Room. Argh. I miss it's sweet, sweet smell already. But, actually I didn't realize it until he told me, so I'M SO SORRY DEAREST JACKET! No wonder I'm having a cold now. Without it's sweet smell and warmth I'm pretty much defenceless against the weather and temperature. And the smell. Even Jun Yup noticed. The smell is so comforting! I have no idea how it gets like that, because none of my other clothes smell like it does, so it's most probably not the wash. I'm not sure. But it's very comforting. In the morning, before I put on my jacket I sniff it and ... it gives me strength. xDDDDDDD But I'm serious; it protects me against the cold every morning and in the auditorium and the hall, and by association the smell just calms me down so much. And the silky smooth feel, the warmth. How am I going to survive Monday morning????????
Tags: jacket, smell  ¶ 7:50 AM 0 Comments

  And I'm sad again. Yeah, holiday withdrawal.
But that's not really why, I guess.
It's just that I got hurt again. It doesn't take much, but still, I need to stop being so ... no, I just want things to get better. I don't want my relationships to keep breaking down.
It hurts and it sounds and feels like glass scraping against glass until it splinters and shatters. I want a paper heart now, damn it. And to learn how to fold a rose.
Makes me want to cry and the familiar prickling behind my eyes is just.
Damn.  ¶ 6:44 AM 0 Comments

  I don't know why I'm saying this in this circle of blogging.
Sometimes so much rage scares me. And makes me feel guilty. We all have stuff to be angry about, but when we put all of it out there as I used to, it feels like we're looking for someone to read it, to feel guilty or to feel sympathy, and it's ... it makes me feel horrible.
I feel like writing something.
Ooh. Falling slowly just came on the radio. Nice!
I'm going to start on Full Metal Alchemist Manga. But not seriously yet. Greed Island is putting me off slightly.  ¶ 2:27 AM 0 Comments

 

Music is playing on the radio; I'm ... still very fixated on Cannonball by Damien Rice; it's still looping on my mind.

Has been a long time since I last updated, and this is mostly because I'm using www.livejournal.com to post more often now. Yep, so I'm at http://kylaye.livejournal.com

But I won't neglect this blog! I'll try not to. At the most I'll double post what I write.

So I'm going to start working on a birthday tribute writing thing for emma.

Oh wait. I should just write an email. Damn I'm stupid. She probably won't see it here anyway.

  ¶ 11:23 PM 0 Comments

  It's very good to hear from Ms. Tan again, especially since it's been so long.

http://mediarumba.com, A ... Media contest/challenge thing that I'm helping to spread the word about, being Ms Tan's ... one time messenger until she asks me again, if she does. Very, very glad to talk to her again. It's been soooooooooooo long. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. And I also feel like doing the video thingy to support her. Except I don't like the editting. But awright then, I will turn in something, hopefully.

Does anyone want to work with me for this?  ¶ 7:32 AM 0 Comments

 

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt Still a little hard to say what's going on Still a little bit of your ghost your witness Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed You step a little closer EACH DAYStill I can't SAY what's going onStones taught me to flyLove taught me to lieLife taught me to dieSo it's not hard to fallWhen you float like a cannonballStill a little bit of your song in my earStill a little bit of your words I long to hearYou step a little closer TO MESo close that I can't see what's going onStones taught me to flyLove taught me to lieLife taught me to dieSo it's not hard to fallWhen you float like a cannonStones taught me to flyLove taught me to crySo come on courage!Teach me to be shy'Cause it's not hard to fallAnd I don't WANNA scare herIt's not hard to fallAnd I don't wanna loseIt's not hard to growWhen you know that you just don't know

  ¶ 7:33 AM 0 Comments

  sure as shit Kathleen Edwards, Sure as Shit

Choosing my words carefully
Has never been my strength
I've been known to be vague
And often pointless
But you sure as shit know me
Better than anybody else
And for that in my heart I am hopeful

So I helped you pack your bags
And I folded up your snap shirts
When you come back
It will already be the winter
If you look at other girls
Working out in the nighttime
I don't mind but I don't want to know it

And these years that I have known you
It's gone and blurred my sense of time
Now I can hardly even recall
What came before this
Letters left on pillows
Messages left on phones
Postcards in the mail
When we sent them
Cobwebs all collected
Paintings on the walls
Lounging around all day
In a hot pink chenille housecoat
And the secrets that I whispered
In your ear while you were sleeping
You can call to mind when you're
Out in the world without me

Oh the denim king
I sure as shit do love you
And I cuss because I mean it
And for that in my heart I am hopeful
And these words that I chose I was so careful

now this is fucking amazing.  ¶ 10:18 PM 0 Comments

 

From michele's lj,

It's harder than it looks! Copy and paste to your own journal, erase my answers, and add your own.Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real places, names &/or objects, but nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person you got this from has the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question. And Have Fun With It!

1) 4 LETTER WORD: kite

2) BOY NAME: kyle <3

3) GIRL NAME: kitty

4) OCCUPATION: kite-seller

5) A COLOR: khaki! I cheated; i had to go and look it up

6) SOMETHING YOU WEAR: kilt? me in particular?

7) BEVERAGE: kahlua (liquor)

8) FOOD: damn. i'm stumped. ah! kimchi!

9) SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM: damn. i'm stumped. kohl? the stuff ancient egyptians used to outline their eyelines. it's found in an ... ancient egyptian bathroom?

10) A PLACE: korea

11) REASON FOR BEING LATE: my brother says "kimchi too hot" and "kyo (a french band) concert". erm ... "killed someone"? oh, i know! kidnapped!

12) SOMETHING YOU SHOUT: Kai!

whee~

  ¶ 7:18 AM 0 Comments

  Theatre Review: Water Fools by Ilotopie Since this is buried behind more recent posts (and I typed it out as an edit of one of the previous posts), I shall put it up here to make people look at it and read it and wish that they had gone for the performance:

Theatre Review: Water Fools by Ilotopie

If you asked me for my feelings and my comments about the show Water Fools put up by the French troupe Ilotopie that we went to see on 24th May as a class outing and celebration of the end of the arduous semester; I would have to say that ... I do not know, or at least that I am not sure. This has been brought about due to the prolonged period of time that it has been since the show; and also due to the overwhelming amount of images that the audience was presented with in this show. However, I shall attempt to organize my thoughts and produce some form of a review and exploration into my thought regarding this experience.

Firstly, I would have to say that I am very much impressed by the beauty of the sets, as well as the design and engineering of them - Did I forget to tell you that the whole show took place on the water surface at Boat Quay? The performance left me still-very-amazed at how the show was able to be carried out on the water; also very curious as to how the different sets were able to stay afloat and yet stay oh-so-beautiful. Some examples of these beautiful pieces would be the one of the opera singer dressed in flamboyant and sensual red, sitting atop a water wheel, with a mind running mindlessly and almost perversely happily below; a boat resembling the carcass of a dead beast, the bones of its rib cage creeping around the sides of the boat, each "bone" alit at the end with a flame; angel wings that suddenly burst into flames in pretty sparks.

It is not only that the set never fails to inspire awe and amazement; much of my enjoyment from watching this show was derived from the pyrotechniques involved in the show; the fireworks that were launched into the night sky at Boat Quay lit up the sky next to our tall buildings, bursts of metal that burn up so brightly and then fade to nothing, fodder for imagination and oh-so-bright against the night sky. Like a child, I was amazed by the sheer brilliance and beauty of it; later, I thought that fireworks were/were like small bursts of happiness, burning up with brilliance and yet so fleeting quick, and I thought that they(fireworks) truly understand what it is to be transient and ephemeral. I'm still very much obssessed with this idea; from learning about the Class Ephemerata, of mayflies, in Biodiversity. And, understand the overwhelming happiness that filled me at that time, and the overwhelming desire to hug someone ...

Moving on to the main point of a theatre review; the ideas and images presented in the performance. The performance gave me the impression of a theatre of the absurd, with certainly some grotesque and absurd images - a mother holding up her disfigured child, waving it around gaily, its limbs connected to it body but strings; the "ribcage" boat, on top of it a "king", wearing nothing but a thong and a crown, accompanied by his jester gesturing wildly to the crowd; the opera singer atop her water wheel; a girl rowing across the water in her bed with large, long oars (Later, she would drag a tree in the water across the water with the power of her rowing and her bed; linked by her bedsheets ... To me, this was one of the more striking images of this performance - I wonder why she wanted to drag the tree away - was it because she felt it was out-of-place and wanted to bring it to land? That she was rowing from her bed perhaps represents how the girl was in a dream-world, in a comfortable, whimsical world ... I wonder why ... ), the angel's wings burning up in so pretty a way (blue sparks) (Probably representing the loss of his angelic-ness, falling down to Earth ... ), the man erecting lamp-posts in the water (As if to guide us, was the thought that struck me the most. ) ... Perhaps this is one of the many interpretations of the title/theme of the performance desired by the artists - Truly, they are akin to Water Fools, making a fool of themselves on the water.

The soundtrack itself is also very fitting; featuring what sounded to me like an adaptation of Khachaturian's Saber Dance, and other sounds as well. The feelings it gave me were that of ... curiosity, distrust (in a sense, due to the absurdity and sometimes due to the juxtaposition of the sound and the mood projected by the visual aspect of the performance), whimsical behavior, almost like that of a child. These are also the feelings that the performance in general gave me too; for the most part.

I am still slightly confused as to the meaning that I am inclined to draw from this performance; oh, how I wish I could view it again. But I think, one of the motives behind showcasing this performance was perhaps simply (and on the most basic level; this is probably but a very basic motive) to share these grotesque-and-macabre-but-strangely-beautiful-and-thought-provoking images with us. I love the fact that the performance was free, and public; in a central place such as Boat Quay; so that art is projected onto the sky and on our water, and into the places between our buildings.

And at the end of it all, I was very much tempted to shout across the water, "Thank you!", to the guys that put up this amazing performance. In French? Maybe, but I would have made a fool of myself ...  ¶ 3:24 AM 0 Comments

  La Corda D'Oro Primo Passo La Corda D'Oro Primo Passo
  ¶ 6:46 AM 1 Comments

 

For something to put here, while I wonder how to write what I want to say:

START: 10.16 p.m

001. What's the connection between you and the last person that called you? - My SMP group member, JT

002. Do you ever turn your cell phone off? - Yes, when it's low on battery

003. What happened at 10.00am today? - I was sleeping. Or I woke up and fell asleep. And my brother was trying to wake me up.

004. When did you last cry? - When listening to the talk given by the guy who came to our school，I guess.

005. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? - Crackers! As in the wheat/graham kind.

006. What do you want in your life right now? - Rest. If I could have one more it would be art.

007. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood? - I don't carry an umbrella, but yeah when I've brought it along then I put up the hood of my jacket. Jackets are ... very easy to get attached to and it's also easy to enjoy the characteristic smell of it.

008. What's your favorite thing to have on your bed? Pillows, but also my Simba plush toy. Yes, I know, but well ...

009. What bottom are you wearing now? - Trumpet pants that I had to buy for SLI performance.

010. Whats the nicest text in your inbox say? - My message inbox as in my phone inbox? Screening through now. Because it's a new phone it would be "If I ..." ... Errrr I reserve the right to hold back my comments. If I look through my saved messages inbox, it would probably be "Dear Kylie we hope yr ar wel at Bordeux. We mis u. Love Mom remember to keep your htings and your tissue safe make stuff neatand Clean and lock your bag .keep yourself warm"

011. Do you tend to make a relationships complicated? - Yes, I suppose so.

012. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone? - Now ... nope.

013. What was the last movie you caught? - Indiana Jones! With my family, before we left for Vietnam.

014. What are you proud of? - My friendships with people, because they remind me that I'm not worthless. Ermmmm. But that's not really a "proud of". That's a "cherish". Certain writing pieces that I've done, I suppose.

015. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?" - MS　ＫＹＬＩＥ　ＧＯＨ　ＪＩＮ　ＹＩＮG. Reminder from NDC: U have an appt on 13-May-2008 14:45, Clinic Level 4. Pls come or call 63248802 for changes.

016. What was the last song you sang out loud? - 1973 by James Blunt, it was featured on this radio show competition; although before that it was Marilyn Monroe by Dala, introduced by chele

017. Do you have any nicknames? What are they? - Kinda but not really. Lee, my mum calls me that, the last syllable of my name. I get confused sometimes whether she's calling me or my dad. Sunshine gal, but that's not oftenly used. Kyles, from Ms Tan, but no one calls me that now. Which makes me quite sad.

018. What does your last received text message say? Who was it from? From Fadhir, because I don't count my deactivation notice.

019. What time did you go to bed last night? 11+

020. Are you currently happy? I'm ... content but slightly troubled by what I think I know is true and should have known before.

021. Who gives you best advice? Not sure, I guess it would be michele, and emma; darryl, not really if you go by the quality of the advice but definitely helpful in terms of cheering me up.

022. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can? - No, but I would if I could ^^

023. Who did you talk on the phone with last night? - No one, sadly. I miss calling up people and talking to them, I guess I should do that more ... Mm.

024. Is anything bugging you right now? - Yes

025. What/Who was the last thing/person to make you laugh? - Cancy's list of responses for this thing, her answer to this question. ^^

026. Do you wear toe socks? - No, I hate them; they're so ... uncomfortable. Although I must say I met someone on a trip once who wore toe socks as gloves because she lost hers. They were awfully pretty, I must say.

027. Who was the last person you missed a call from? - Yuting

028. Have you ever had your heart broken? - Perhaps fractured, but not broken I guess

029. What annoys you most in a person? Being bitchy

030. Do you have a crush on anyone? Hmm. No, I don't think so.

031. Have you ever done cocaine? - No, I wonder if I would, just for the heck of it/trying it.

032. What is the colour of your room? White and blue

033. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars? No

034. Do you believed in the saying "talk is cheap"? No and yes

035. Who was the last person to lay in your bed? Me; actually now it's my brother.

036. Who was the last person to hug you? - My blood brother

037. Did anyone see the last person you kissed? - Yes. Hmmmm hang on I'm thinking about it in the boyfriend sense of kissing a person. Erm. Still yes.

038. Do you have a life? Yes

039. Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't? Not that I remember. Hmmm, I suppose you could count some famous people whom I thought died but who are still alive.

040. What is the reason behind your profile song? My profile song? Hmmm I don't have one? I suppose I'll write about my alarm? Or my ringtone. Will reply this tomorrow, I need to sleep now ... My alarm is ... But It's Better If You Do by Panic!, because it's loud and catchy and makes me want to get up more. And at least I won't get tired of it that much. My ringtone ... is some stupid tune I haven't gotten around to changing.

041. Who was the last person you saw in your dream? I think it was my mum ...

042. Last time you smiled? Reading Junyup's response to this quiz a few minutes ago

043. Have you changed this year? Yes

044. What are you listening to right now? The Great Decay by The Great Spy Experiment

045. Are you talking to someone when you doing this? Yes, my brother. Who's dragging me to watch Shonen Onmyoji ... Later ...

046. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed? Open, unless I'm very sleepy and is trying to get rest; or I'm dancing, maybe.

047. Is there a quote you live by? No, not really

048. Do you want someone you can't have? Yeah

049. Have you ever played an instrument? Yep! Piano and violin, bonang from gamelan ... and a recorder? ^^

050. What was the worst idea you've had in this week? Hmmmmm ... can't think of many.

051. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm? Doing this quiz ^^

052. Are you happy with your love life right now? Since it's pretty much non-existent, I shall give the generic answer that I'm content or at least comfortable with it's non-existentness.

053. What song describes your love life? Hmmm. If You're Not The One by David Beddingfield

054. Does the person know that you like him/her? - If you mean the platonic kind of attraction and love, then yeah sure, for more than one person even.

055. Who always makes you laugh? It depends. Erm. I don't know.

056. Do you speak any other language other than English? - French, Chinese

057. Are you blond? - Nope

058. What your middle name? - Do I have one? Jin Ying?

059. What are you doing tomorrow? Not sure; anime, cooking, reading, writing?

060. What do you think you are like? Awkward

061. Who will you choose to die with? Mmmmm. I'm not sure. My lover.

062.Where have you been today? Home.

063. What game do you play often? Mafia, ... Hmmm I can't think of anything else.

064. Who are you missing right now? All my friends; especially those I haven't seen for a long time

065. If you've to choose between friends & love, who will you choose? Since I love my friends I will choose love ... ?

066. What are you doing right now? Listening to the song that best describes my love life, Doing this quiz

067. Which primary school are you from? St Anthony's Primary School, Raffle's Girls Primary School

068. Name 3 colours that you like. Sky Blue, Orange, Dark Blue

069. What emotion do you like to show? Happiness? Affection isn't an emotion but joy, yeah.

070. What is life to you? Life is an ocean.

071. If you have something troubling you, what will you do? Write if I can't talk to anyone about it, cry.

072. Who did you last chat with in msn today? No one, I didn't go on MSN today

073. Who do you admire the most? My mum but not totally. Hmmmmmm.

074. Which month are you born in? - I'm a November babe!

075. How are you feeling right now? A bit sad

076. What is the time now? 4.13 p.m

077. Where are you now? - At home, a flat in Singapore, in front of the computer, in my room

078. What colour did you use to dye hair? I have never dyed my hair. How boring, right. Oh well. Maybe highlights one day

079. Why are you doing this test? - To create some-what filled-up space

080. What do you do when you're moody? Eat stuff, listen to music

081. At which age you wish to get married? Hmmm ... I think it's easier when you're younger; but I want to get out and see the world first.

082. Who is more important to you? A lover or friends? Hmmmm. This depends. A lover, I think. But I'm not sure.

083. Do you think you have enough confidence? Yes

084. Who is the person you trust the most? I'm not sure about this ...

086. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be? I'm not sure ... Possibly to be able to travel and do what I want to do without being worried about finances.

087. What is your goal for this year? Ermm ... Do the best I can?

088. Do you believe in eternal love? Strangely enough, maybe not. I'm not sure.

089. What feeling do you love most? The feeling of being loved! The feeling of accomplishment ... Hmmmm I guess it would be the feeling that you get when you're looking at the world and thinking about how big it is and how exciting it is and ... even though I don't believe in a God, it's a sort of feeling of the ... divine?

090. Do you really think its Global Warming now? Yes

091. What feeling do you hate the most? Disappointment

092. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours? Yes

093. Do you believe in God? - No

094. Who cares for you the most? - My brother

095. What do you think is the most important thing in your life? Love.

096. What'll you bring when you fight? - A gun? I'm sorry; if I want to fight for my life then a gun. If it's a play fight then nothing? I've always wanted to have a tickle fight.

097. What have you regretted doing in your whole life? Nothing ...

098. What would you feel when everyone no longer cares for you? Sad and hurt.

099. What if your stead two-timed you? I'd probably see whether he wanted to come back and stay faithful. And give him a second chance.

100. Love with a guarantee of heartbreak , or never to be loved at all ? The first one. I don't regret loving, even ig my heart gets broken.

  ¶ 6:52 AM 0 Comments

  A quick update, then. Now that I'm back from Vietnam; I shall start more of my writing and reading and watching! -happy-

Now reading: A Romance of Many Dimensions, Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott - What I have read so far has definitely intrigued me.
Should be reading: I should start reading 我和她的xxx. And start on the Chimaera Ant Arc for Hunter X Hunter soon ~ I still haven't gotten over one of the first animes that I got hooked to, same with Saiyuki and Ruruoni Kenshin.
Now watching: La corda d'oro primo passo ~
Should be watching: Rozen Maiden, Naruto, Prince of Tennis since it sounds good, Blood+ for awesome opening songs and grotesque but intriguing themes
Now doing: Watching anime, writing, lazing about
Should be doing: Writing, reading and ... eating!
About to be writing: Theatre review for Water Fools at Clarke Quay that was our class outing, Review for the trip to Vietnam
Planning to do: Meet up with Crystal, Michele, organize some kind of gathering for Gamelan and Council.

Still very much amazed by Flatland. Whee

And yay for worst-case scenerio!  ¶ 12:23 AM 0 Comments

  Damn, it's so strange. Listening to Colbie Caillat's album (Coco), which LC lent to me; brought about an overwhelming rush of emotion of ... sadness (not grief, because I won't dignify the rejection with such an extreme response) and self-pity? Maybe not self-pity, I hope the bitter swelling upwelling feeling in my heart is not self-pity; I really hope that it is not. What do matters such as these have to do with personal qualities, anyway.

No matter how things happened, or the cause of it, I can't believe that I'm only feeling sad now. I can't believe that the sadness only came on now; I get how my brain/heart made the link but. I don't buy those words, I don't believe how such an overwhelming amount of happiness can be suddenly turned into disappointment and sadness, and it's sad, that a beautiful moment like that was ruined.

Although I am not beneath glorifying it with words, making it an unforgettable part of my education to this world. And I still can't shake the feeling of sadness. I believe, I truly believe that I am out of the shadow that I was living under before, and that this is just a normal reaction to a response like that. And I'm not even going to go into any lingering doubts that may existe. I truly believe that I'm out of that horrible place. I don't regret, because for all the horrible-ness, there was a sort of beauty and a sort of strength that was born in that place.

Just that, for a moment, it really scared me. To think that I was still in that place. And, not for the first time, I can understand, I can be passionate, and I think that I have the right to outrage and feel hurt.

And do you know, it is so easier to give in and exxagerate the pain and amplify the feelings, just for the sake of looking back on the words, and seeing how I felt at this time.

I don't reject the hand that other people have played in my life.

And now my sadness and outrage has run out, so that's all.

c'est un témoignage d'affection, tu le regrettera, je vous appelle un con. parce que je veux faire ça.   ¶ 3:07 AM 0 Comments

  Lyrics to French Songs by Kyo, because I'm studying for my DELF. xD

Dernière danse

J'ai longtemps parcouru son corps
Effleuré cent fois son visage
J'ai trouvé de l'or
Et même quelques étoiles en essuyant ses larmes
Et j'ai appris par coeur la pureté de ses formes
Parfois je les dessine encore
Elle fait partie de moi

Je veux juste une dernière danse
Avant l'ombre et l'indifférence
Un vertige puis le silence
Je veux juste une dernière danse

Je l'ai connue trop tôt mais c' est pas de ma faute
La flèche a traversé ma peau
C'est une douleur qui se garde
Qui fait plus de bien que de mal
Mais je connais l'histoire, il est déjà trop tard,
Dans son regard, on peut apercevoir qu'elle se prépare
Au long voyage

Je peux mourir demain ça ne change rien
J'ai reçu de ses mains
Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme
C'est même trop pour un seul homme
Et je l'ai vue partir sans rien dire
Il fallait seulement qu'elle respire
Merci d'avoir enchanté ma vie

A slightly awkward translation, not mine:

I ran through her body for so long
Brushed a hundred times against her face
Found gold
and even some stars when wiping her tears.

I learnt by heart the purity of her curves
sometimes I draw them again
she's a part of me.

*I just want a last dance
Before darkness and indifference
A dizzy spell then silence
I just want a last dance.

I met her too soon
but it's not my fault
The arrow went through my skin
It's a pain to keep
that heals more than it hurts
But I know the story
It's already too late.
In her eyes
you can see
that she prepares herself
for the long journey

repeat *

I could die tomorrow
That wouldn't change anything.
I received from her hands
The happiness anchored in my soul
It's even too much for a single man
I saw her leave without saying anything
It just matters that she breathes
Thanks for enchanting my life.

(repeat beginning)

Je saigne encore

Il a le droit de poser ses mains sur ton corps
Il a le droit de respirer ton odeur
Il a même le droit aux regards qui le rendent plus fort
Mais moi la chaleur de ta voix dans le coeur

Et ça fait mal crois-moi, une lame
Enfoncée loin dans mon âme
Regarde en toi même pas l'ombre d'une larme

Et je saigne encore, je souris à la mort
Tout ce rouge sur mon corps
Je te blesse dans un dernier effort

Il aime caresser ton visage quand tu t'endors
Et toi tu te permets de dire encore, encore
Je sais que ce qui ne tue pas nous rend plus fort
Mais moi, mais moi, je suis déjà mort

Translation:
he has the right to put his hands on your body
he has the right to breathe your smell
he even has the right to a look which you return stonger
but me, the warmth of your voice in my heart

and it hurts, believe me. a blade lodged deep in my heart
look at you, not even the shadow of a tear

and i'm still bleeding. i smile at death, all this red on my body. i wound/hurt you in a last effort

he likes to carress your face while you sleep,
and you, you allow yourself to say more
i know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
but me, i'm already dead  ¶ 1:32 AM 0 Comments

  THIS SPACE IS FOR ME TO WRITE SOMETHING TOMORROW, I SWEAR.

and because tomorrow never comes ...


Just now was pretty amazing; I started hearing the sound of rain and after a while the rain started falling and it's a lazy sunday afternoon for me and my still-recuperating leg - damn! but lazy afternoons are good, and we need them too.

Yesterday we went for this free show, part of the Singapore Arts Festival; a performance called Water Fools put up by the French troupe Ilotopie. It was ... good, partly surreal and quite much a theatre of the absurd. Beautiful sets, also; and amazing how they were able to put up the performance on the water - no I am not joking, the entire performance took place on the water (Behind us we heard a little boy saying, "No, he's just standing on a float" - man, our generation is that of skeptics and cynics. But that they were able to do that was pretty damn amazing, I think.) ----

Before I continue, I should explain that all these took part as part of our 404 class outing. ----

Water Fools is also showing tonight at Clarke Quay, at I believe the same time - 8 p.m. (It is advisable to go earlier for good seats! We went one hour earlier, got food to eat, and ate while waiting. it was still very crowded.)

Theatre Review: Water Fools by Ilotopie

If you asked me for my feelings and my comments about the show Water Fools put up by the French troupe Ilotopie that we went to see on 24th May as a class outing and celebration of the end of the arduous semester; I would have to say that ... I do not know, or at least that I am not sure. This has been brought about due to the prolonged period of time that it has been since the show; and also due to the overwhelming amount of images that the audience was presented with in this show. However, I shall attempt to organize my thoughts and produce some form of a review and exploration into my thought regarding this experience.

Firstly, I would have to say that I am very much impressed by the beauty of the sets, as well as the design and engineering of them - Did I forget to tell you that the whole show took place on the water surface at Boat Quay? The performance left me still-very-amazed at how the show was able to be carried out on the water; also very curious as to how the different sets were able to stay afloat and yet stay oh-so-beautiful. Some examples of these beautiful pieces would be the one of the opera singer dressed in flamboyant and sensual red, sitting atop a water wheel, with a mind running mindlessly and almost perversely happily below; a boat resembling the carcass of a dead beast, the bones of its rib cage creeping around the sides of the boat, each "bone" alit at the end with a flame; angel wings that suddenly burst into flames in pretty sparks.

It is not only that the set never fails to inspire awe and amazement; much of my enjoyment from watching this show was derived from the pyrotechniques involved in the show; the fireworks that were launched into the night sky at Boat Quay lit up the sky next to our tall buildings, bursts of metal that burn up so brightly and then fade to nothing, fodder for imagination and oh-so-bright against the night sky. Like a child, I was amazed by the sheer brilliance and beauty of it; later, I thought that fireworks were/were like small bursts of happiness, burning up with brilliance and yet so fleeting quick, and I thought that they(fireworks) truly understand what it is to be transient and ephemeral. I'm still very much obssessed with this idea; from learning about the Class Ephemerata, of mayflies, in Biodiversity. And, understand the overwhelming happiness that filled me at that time, and the overwhelming desire to hug someone ...

Moving on to the main point of a theatre review; the ideas and images presented in the performance. The performance gave me the impression of a theatre of the absurd, with certainly some grotesque and absurd images - a mother holding up her disfigured child, waving it around gaily, its limbs connected to it body but strings; the "ribcage" boat, on top of it a "king", wearing nothing but a thong and a crown, accompanied by his jester gesturing wildly to the crowd; the opera singer atop her water wheel; a girl rowing across the water in her bed with large, long oars (Later, she would drag a tree in the water across the water with the power of her rowing and her bed; linked by her bedsheets ... To me, this was one of the more striking images of this performance - I wonder why she wanted to drag the tree away - was it because she felt it was out-of-place and wanted to bring it to land? That she was rowing from her bed perhaps represents how the girl was in a dream-world, in a comfortable, whimsical world ... I wonder why ... ), the angel's wings burning up in so pretty a way (blue sparks) (Probably representing the loss of his angelic-ness, falling down to Earth ... ), the man erecting lamp-posts in the water (As if to guide us, was the thought that struck me the most. ) ... Perhaps this is one of the many interpretations of the title/theme of the performance desired by the artists - Truly, they are akin to Water Fools, making a fool of themselves on the water.

The soundtrack itself is also very fitting; featuring what sounded to me like an adaptation of Khachaturian's Saber Dance, and other sounds as well. The feelings it gave me were that of ... curiosity, distrust (in a sense, due to the absurdity and sometimes due to the juxtaposition of the sound and the mood projected by the visual aspect of the performance), whimsical behavior, almost like that of a child. These are also the feelings that the performance in general gave me too; for the most part.

I am still slightly confused as to the meaning that I am inclined to draw from this performance; oh, how I wish I could view it again. But I think, one of the motives behind showcasing this performance was perhaps simply (and on the most basic level; this is probably but a very basic motive) to share these grotesque-and-macabre-but-strangely-beautiful-and-thought-provoking images with us. I love the fact that the performance was free, and public; in a central place such as Boat Quay; so that art is projected onto the sky and on our water, and into the places between our buildings.

And at the end of it all, I was very much tempted to shout across the water, "Thank you!", to the guys that put up this amazing performance. In French? Maybe, but I would have made a fool of myself ...

  ¶ 7:34 AM 0 Comments

  BLOGGER'S DISCUSSION CIRCLE

What I suggest, to get the Daily Refusal up and active, would be a livejournal community (even though I don't have one or know how to have one at all), or a blog or forum that the group of us will post to (of course, we can invite interested parties.)

People with interesting topics to post will start off by posting their writing and dicussion of said topic on the blog; where other members of the Blogger Discussion can disagree, agree and explain why. At the end of it, this whole discussion should have enough material for an article, and should be summarized into one, which can then be posted in our Daily Refusal thingy. (You know, I think we can get teachers to help us fund the printing, if this ever kicks off.)

Yes/No?

Agree/Disagree?

Blogger Discussion Circle people, please reply on tagboard!

Or if not, we could also all gather at my house over the holidays, armed with laptops and other writing material, and work on something.

Reply! Make noise on the tagboard! Comment! Something!  ¶ 7:14 AM 0 Comments

  i'm feeling ... an acidic cocktail of feelings and emotions and thoughts.

a lot a lot of emotion, and a painful-but-not-killing gnawing at my chest and in my abdomen that can't seem to go away, and damn, i can't get to sleep but i'm tired; the sweat's running down my back and it glues my nightgown to my skin and i'm awake in the wideness, endlessness, infinity of the world and it's getting to me.

damn, do we need a goal in order to be happy? sometimes, i think it's enough to simply live and breathe in the in-between moments. i don't think that we need to focus ourselves, centre ourselves obsessively over one single goal; but we can just spread in whatever direction we choose to, and to just ... hang loose. life is in the everything, not just the one thing; sometimes if you commit then you limit yourselves.

but but but i think such a goal does validate ourselves, it gives us a sense of where to go and what to do; but it's not lifeitself. and i know it; the sense of aimlessness and lack of purpose, and ... i don't know ... hakuna matata?

i don't think i need a god. i don't believe that there is a god.

and damn, i can't stop this feeling and it's burning and aching and i can't take it.

it's late, so damn late and i don't feel right.  ¶ 8:47 AM 0 Comments

  i cannot pretend it doesn't hurt, and i need to get it off my chest. i don't care about your past; i care about you, i care about your present and your future. and you may hurt me or say bad stuff, but i don't care! i'll be there all the same.  ¶ 8:09 AM 0 Comments

  LOVE IS LIKE WATER XD Very good prompt: LOVE IS LIKE WATER because __________________________________

from cancy: "because it's the source of all life" well that's what you said or something but my version would be... "because of how it fills us up and keeps us going and also how it soaks and drenches until you know nothing but love for the other person and also because of how it clings and drips and refuses to fade" or something..

really beautiful stuff.

and i remember once, when abroad, i started thinking about this theme, and now i shall try to remember what i wrote. no wait ... actually i've written it somewhere before but i've forgotten it, and it came to me one drowsy morning last last year.

love is like water because it's the basis of all life; because we can't do without it unless we run the risk of dying. when we first step into water, we run the risk of a few wrinkles on our skin; our skin wrinkled and patterned and crinkly like crumpled paper. when we decide to step off into the deep end, throw aside our lifebuoys and floats, then we run the risk of drowning, of suffocating and dying from not being able to breathe. but many of us take that risk anyway. it's hard to imagine life without the ocean or water itself; if we are 70 % water, does that mean we are 70% (or more) love? some people spend their lives or part of their lives sailing the oceans, not really submerging themselves into it, but staying comfortably dry and high and i think that kind of lifestyle is at once solitary yet miserable; but it only takes very little to throw them overboard. the ocean, the water; is ... without mercy i think; countless homes and people have been ruined by water ... as have many hearts.

and love evaporates, but it condenses too. it seems, always, that you can't destroy it. sometimes, i think that you can lose yourself in water though; not drown exactly; but lose yourself in the wild joy that comes with the weightlessness and buoyancy, - like dolphins that were once wise men. water has a beauty that is not hard to see, but hard to understand especially after one has been hurt by it.

(warm water is sex. cold water is no sex?) [okay, no i'm not totally serious]

warm water that steams up the glass and fogs up the mirror is sensual, slipping over skin; hot water stings and burns but sometimes it's welcome, i can't say why ...  ¶ 6:02 AM 0 Comments

  images and hopes; because it's not bad to hope and we all need dreams, or we don't have as strong an anchor to this world.

skin cool and damp after a bath; wind that blows into the house in the wee hours of the morning, scaring you yet amazing you at the same time; coffee hot and warm and soulful; ukuleles(ukes!) and guitars and blue roses falling; flowers growing in windowsills; sleeping in till past 1 tangled up and sharing warmth with a lover; big, loose shirts that hang past my waist and are decent; ribbons; dresses and fine silk and ... ; tequila and beer; kisses in the dark; kisses tasting of mint and smelling of ... that something special that you recognize and that infuses into your heart; kisses in stairwells; hot pancakes and honey drizzled in a smiley face; shortbread and cookies; intellectual discussions that just happen, and are not forced; toast dipped in goopy half-boiled egg with soy sauce and pepper(yeah, yeah i happen to like it); friends whom you can call, can fall on, can rely on, and can enjoy with, whom you love; siblings, because blood matters too; beds and sheets; pillow fights and tickle fights; sheets and blankets and warm bodies; roadtrips and hitch-hiking and highways and good, good music; bag-packing with friends; my very own tattoo(lately, i've been thinking, that when i hit 18, i'm gonna go get a tattoo); children and butterflies; cooking, because someday i will learn how to cook well; libraries, books, coffee and cookies; coffeeshops, elusive, dark, book-loving guys; bookshops and the smell of books; a hand around my waist; dancing in nightclubs where nobody knows my name and the music is endless; singing in corridors when i believe them to be empty; singing and writing; guitars! and roadtrips! and fires by the beach; movies and watching them on some screen in some park lying on a mat; pretty stuff like ... jewellery but also flowers and plants; orchids that reflower; dance, proper dance; music and painting; cafés and Paris!; chocolateries, chocolate, hot chocolate; travelling - NZ and salmon and fish & chips at roadside stalls where the fries are a mountain and the fillets are mountain ridges/ranges; all the love and possibilities in the world, and our futures in our hand and our life before us





man, i love being alive.  ¶ 8:40 AM 0 Comments

 


(xkcd is goooooood.)

i have decided to write more; and to post more. It's strange sometimes; writing on a blog. On one level it's a conversation with yourself, because you think the words to yourself before you type it out; on the other hand it's a conversation with the world because you're showing people what you think and how you react.

Post-exams is, I agree with Cancy, v. surreal. Suddenly, there's a flood of time; but you know it's just a lie because honestly there's just too little time (see above) and then we're burning our nights with mafia <3 anime, manga, books and all sorts of stuff; but then this kind of life is strange and very ... full of indulgence, but I suppose it can't last forever, can it?

all the broken hearts ...

all the broken hearts
drifting on the starlit stream (scream)
which one is mine?
i don't know, i can't tell
the wind has swept up my emotions and
set them loose upon the world
the salty-sweet-bitter acid tears
are no consolation to the dry grass
upon my senses flowers are an insult,
love songs are mocking, cruel

i wish i could find my heart
drifting on the starlit stream
if i did, i could put it back together
piece by piece, drop by drop
but as it is, i can't
you have stolen my heart and
thrown it to the dogs to
mangle and destroy and
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
no i lie
i love you i love you i love you i love you
but i hate you.
i love you.
i hate you.

oh! i want nothing more to do with you!
i will break loose with the wind,
never to see your face again, hear your laugh again,
kiss your gentle lips, gaze upon your pensive face,
and i will find my heart,
it is not lost, it has just drifted away from me,
and i will find my heart,
and i will be happy.  ¶ 7:47 AM 0 Comments

  script checking Today, we had script-checking. Something happened that got me upset and angry.

I was tired, having stayed up. So I curled up in my seat; hence to the approaching 3 people what they would see would be someone's back. Upon coming nearer, I heared their voices and turned around. And, upon seeing that I was in that seat, they immediately moved away, and occupied the furthest 3 seats in the same row. One of them said, "No one wants to sit next to you during script-checking, Kylie." While this may have been intended to be some back-handed compliment of my grades, I found it ... immensely hurtful and upsetting.

And while I didn't really say anything at that time, partially due to my sleepiness and me not-wanting to blow things up, that was FUCKING HURTFUL, HORRIBLE, AND HORRENDOUS. If it were anyone who said those words to me; and me not knowing who they were; that is if you take this situation and those words, and transpose those words to falling from someone else's mouth, put other people in this situation, I'd think, Bitch, that was mean and uncalled for. But since you can't pass judgement by simply one single incident, get it right, I don't think they're bitches, I just though their actions were just ... Bitchy.

I don't think I exxagerate about my grades; I don't show them off; what people know of my grades it gets around by word of mouth, but not words from my mouth. So. There's nothing wrong with putting in effort into grades; me, I like it because it's a challenge, it's satisfying to understand everything and do good work. It is interesting to know how much other people got; but I don't snoop and I don't think that that is more important than studying and understanding.

Some people can't stand studying; saying all sorts of stuff about exams and studying taking the life away from us, thinking that people who excel in studies are necessarily ... boring, unexciting. what the hell. puerile garbage, that.

After script checking, we were left with a lot of time. I tried to watch a movie - Dead Poet's Society. It's an awesome movie, I think. But somehow I couldn't shove the two-pin plug into the 3-point socket; yes I tried jabbing a pen in but to no avail. After abandoning my hope of watching this awesome movie, I lingered around with Rashi and decided to go out with her while Cancy and Abbie and others went to play TF2. We originally planned to go find a pasar malam but came to the conclusion that they wouldn't be open so early. Then, we walked to Singapore Poly, had lunch, then went to Jurong Point, then West Mall, then to Rashi's sister's school at Lavender. Then we went back to Rashi's house, and i went to 3rd lang. That is an aweomse amount of travelling. Oh well.

tried and tired,
kylei.  ¶ 6:05 AM 0 Comments

  Wednesday, May 07

Okay. Here's my BIG SCARY THING for this holiday. I wanna try and write a play/script with the prompt: "Well I'm not gonna hate you! I'm gonna love you until I die and then I'm gonna marry you!"

My Characters:
Girl who falls in love and says that line:
Guy whom she says that line to
Girl's best friend
Other people who exist only in the story but not yet in my mind.

Setting:
School

Age: 16

It is the first day of school.  ¶ 6:06 AM 0 Comments

  Inspired by cancy and chele, here's a ten-to-one. Note also the effort to type properly with large caps.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person: (I realize that it's going to be ... pretty obvious to guess who the people are. Oh well.)

1. I'm sorry we drifted apart from each other; I suppose it's a consequence of the events that happened that tore us apart from each other. But I have never forgotten your friendship, and I hope to see you again sometime soon, my dear friend.
2. It is wonderful to hear from you again, and above all, I miss you, I missed writing to you so much and I'm glad we're starting over again. Our history has been unique and special and you mean a lot to me.
3. I suppose I let you do these things sometimes, and that you feel the need to do these things, because you are perhaps telling me that you love me and will be in my life come what may. And what I want to say is that I know. I love you too. And I'll be there in your life too.
4. What I will say about us is that I think we're settling, I think we're falling in place with each other, maybe not with your hand on my waist and my hand in your hair and around your neck, but what i can say about the feeling is that I am content and comfortable. And that I worry less about whether you love me as much as I love you.
5. I do worry about the future and what it will bring, I don't worry whether you love me as much as I love you; but I realize how much you mean to me and more than ever, I am scared that I'll lose you.
6. It's strange how it's not a problem at all but I'm glad things are the way they are.
7. Sometimes you hurt me and I'm trying not to let it show.
8. We are settling, and I am really true about wanting to be your friend. And that I'm really moved and ... yeah. It's on my wall next to my light switch.
9. Sometimes I need to learn to say no. But I don't regret it at all ... and I miss you ...
10. With all my heart, I love you and appreciate your choice of music, literature, and all because it's really special! And very, very funky. Sometimes I feel sad because I don't know how to comfort you, but blubbering awkward me will still be there to try to make you feel better.

NINE things about yourself:
1. My post-exam ritual is to do filing. And shove all my schoolwork into a big big box. And leave it in one corner of the room.
2. I have a fetish for ankles.
3. I'm also discovering a fetish for hip bones.
4. I have a fetish for collar bones
5. I have a fetish for ribbons
6. I cannot remember the MRT map
7. I used to be from a girl's school
8. I have a lot a lot of cheap jewellery that I collect for kicks.
9. I dance
10. I wear nightgowns to sleep.

EIGHT ways to win my heart:
1. Dedicate me a song
2. Write me a heartfelt, sincere letter.
3. Sing to me
4. Hug me, those really good comfortable wholesome hugs.
5. Kiss me gently and with feeling
6. Buy me flowers
7. Buy me a plant
8. Talk to me, and say really interesting, thoughtful, random stuff

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. This is soooo random.
2. This is soooo bizarre.
3. je t'aime encore
4. tu me manque
5. I am content.
6. AHHHH nooooo
7. i refuse

SIX things you wish you never did:
1. spoil my relationship with my neighbor
2. hit or scold or shout at my brother
3. not kiss him one more time
4. not properly appreciating those around me
5. judging people too harshly
6. being uncaring

FIVE turn offs:
1. Lack of humor
2. Lack of kindness
3. Arrogance
4. Ignorance
5. Lack of focus

FOUR turn ons:
1. Intelligence.
2. Eclectic taste in music and literature
3. Confidence
4. Kindness

THREE words that describe your life:
1. Content
2. Strange
3. Sweet

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Travel the world
2. Have sex. Erm. Should I censor this. Erm erm erm. But I don't want to die a virgin.

ONE confession:
1. I ...

I will put that in when I think of one.  ¶ 6:22 AM 0 Comments

  i finally got round to typing our my literature "Us, Urban Dwellers" (or something like that). Whee. A little background is that we were suppose to write urban poetry that explored the lost of direction blah blah blah in the urban city and the effect blah blah blah that it has on people. Stuff like that. I ricochet-ed around, and finally decided to write a love song. Very strange, but somehow I think it fits. Can you see the people and their relationship with the city in this poem?

city of mayflies

he is just so fickle;
he tells me that he loves me,
and that he loves me not
(i imagine in his hands a tortured daisy)
he kisses me softly with lips and slow tongue;
then bruises mine, pressing my back against the wall
he is never the same, sometimes he likes this and
sometimes he abhors it.
i discover new tattoos on his body and new punctures on his skin
that I knew nothing of before,
i see bruises and bites that I knew nothing of before
and cannot claim credit for (except for perhaps that one over there)
(and maybe that one too)
i want to love him, oh,
that I do; but how do you ask me
to love someone that always changes;
how do you ask for a forever-love?
he throws me out onto the streets
like a stray, and I spend my nights
in the gutter licking the hurt in the cold and damp
or I slink into a nightclub and
entwine myself around a strangers ankles.
sometimes he looks at me and I know I’d never want anyone else,
ever. but it’s such a torture.
I demand so little, he demands so much;
I demand so much, he demands so little
And it irks me to no end, the gnawing and hacking in my chest.
i tried to do without him,
but I know I can’t and I don’t ever want to go back to then.
it is tough living out this existence,
but in the moments when we are walking in the rain
and he turns around, smiles, and leans in to kiss me
I realize that, because we live in the spaces between
waking reality and

lucid dreaming,
because sometimes forever is too much to hope for
there’s nothing left for me to do,
but to love him, I guess.
our love’s beauty lies in the transient and the ephemeral.  ¶ 7:09 AM 0 Comments

  ukulele http://www.jakeshimabukuro.com/

this guy is an awesome musician and performer; he's a 5th-generation (i think) japanese in hawaii and he plays the ukulele which is ... simply beautiful.

i'm in no mood at all to do bio, it's so hotttttttttttttt

it's killing my brainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

it's making me super super sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

but the ukulele is sooooooooo preeeeeetty!

wheeeeeee.  ¶ 11:39 PM 0 Comments

  "for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis"

triggers



i shall put the post here anyway though, for people too lazy to peruse the site.

Capitalization and Mr Cummings
While poking around for evidence about another person who is thought to have spelled his name all in lower case, zeiran r'ei discovered that with regard to one very famous case, the poet E. E. Cummings, the widely believed proposition that he insisted on lower case only is merely a widespread myth. The interesting details can be found here.

Thank goodness. I had been wondering how to begin sentences about Cummings. The principles for printed prose set out in The Chicago Manual of Style (one style guide that is worth taking seriously) say that a sentence should never begin with a lower-case letter or a nonalphabetic character. I think that is a very good principle. But it means I can never mention zeiran at the beginning of a sentence, only after it has already begun.

E. E. Cummings, though, can (I now learn) stand as the subject of a main clause with no preceding adjunct, which makes him much easier to talk about. Not that I have anything much to say about him, except that he is responsible for a reprehensible poem that directly suggests that syntacticians are not sexy. Cummings tended not to title his poems, but this one is generally known by the title "since feeling is first":
[Copyright 1926, 1954, © 1991 by the Trustees for the E. E. Cummings Trust; copyright © 1985 by George James Firmage, from Complete Poems: 1904-1962 by E. E. Cummings, ed. by George James Firmage; used by permission of Liveright Publishing Corporation; this selection may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the publisher.]


since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
—the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other:then
laugh,leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis


The gratuitous insult to grammarians everywhere is contemptible. We grammarians are in fact very sensual, sexy, and exciting people. When a grammarian kisses you, you stay kissed.

[By the way: if you want a real example of someone who insists on lower case, Lisa Davidson reminds me that the African American writer bell hooks is one.]

Posted by Geoffrey K. Pullum at January 17, 2005 08:30 PM








absolutely love cummings' work. mmmmmmmmmmmm.

life now is strange but comfortable. not quite a fantasy, but a reality and i guess it's good. still content.

it is hot, sweltering hot; sweat and annoyance drips off my fingertips and i wander around the house in my slip and boxers that i'd never ever wear out of the house. my family napped in air-con today; it has been a while since we've all slept in the same room and i have to say that it is very nice. the curtains filter out most light except orange light; cosy and sleepy. me sleeping next to my mum and my brother who is sleeping next to my dad, all squeezed together on the king-size bed that is only meant to hold 2. the cool air across my skin. mmmmmmmm. one of the good things about the heat. it's been ages since we've slept in air-con and i have to say it is very nice.

went out to eat with my cousin; she's stopping over in singapore for a short stay. she's flying off tomorrow night; i'm slightly sad that i don't really know her well since we have 8 years difference in age between us and we're living on different continents. she's grown up and working and i'm wondering how adulthood will be like for me.

did biology until i got too bored; then switched to maths which i have to say can be slightly fun at times.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i love the idea of the café; perhaps over the holidays we can all go and camp at some café or someone's house; equipped with our laptops and blah and go and write something, produce some really good quality work and post it up on the café's notice board. or you could have competitions and voting and stuff ...






mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. a black blur of ms.







lalala. it's so very comforting.

on another note, has been listening to french songs quite a lot recently. kyo is a french band and i have to say they are very, very good. even though some songs are slightly disturbing. and yes i do understand them, once i get a hold of the lyrics that is ... ^^

i suppose that's all. this post has been gooooooooooooooood; taking a break of work has been very good; i can't wait for the exams to be over!

speaking of which i can't believe i didn't mention my knee until now. but i don't believe it will hamper my post-exam fun nor my exams so yeah. i sprained my knee; it was damn stupid but i'm okay with it.

love flea markets too; it's a good shopping experience for the cash-strapped i think. i think window shopping is pointless. =p

someone's translation of kyo's derniere danse:

I ran through her body for so long
Brushed a hundred times against her face
Found gold
and even some stars when wiping her tears.

I learnt by heart the purity of her curves
sometimes I draw them again
she's a part of me.

*I just want a last dance
Before darkness and indifference
A dizzy spell then silence
I just want a last dance.

I met her too soon
but it's not my fault
The arrow went through my skin
It's a pain to keep
that heals more than it hurts
But I know the story
It's already too late.
In her eyes
you can see
that she prepares herself
for the long journey

repeat *

I could die tomorrow
That wouldn't change anything.
I received from her hands
The happiness anchored in my soul
It's even too much for a single man
I saw her leave without saying anything
It just matters that she breathes
Thanks for enchanting my life.

(repeat beginning)





the french version:

J'ai longtemps parcouru son corps
Effleuré cent fois son visage
J'ai trouvé de l'or
Et même quelques étoiles en essuyant ses larmes
Et j'ai appris par coeur la pureté de ses formes
Parfois je les dessine encore
Elle fait partie de moi

Je veux juste une dernière danse
Avant l'ombre et l'indifférence
Un vertige puis le silence
Je veux juste une dernière danse

Je l'ai connue trop tôt mais c' est pas de ma faute
La flèche a traversé ma peau
C'est une douleur qui se garde
Qui fait plus de bien que de mal
Mais je connais l'histoire, il est déjà trop tard,
Dans son regard, on peut apercevoir qu'elle se prépare
Au long voyage

Je peux mourir demain ça ne change rien
J'ai reçu de ses mains
Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme
C'est même trop pour un seul homme
Et je l'ai vue partir sans rien dire
Il fallait seulement qu'elle respire
Merci d'avoir enchanté ma vie


The Youtube Link:   ¶ 2:58 AM 0 Comments

  more than ever i want a cat more than ever i want a cat of my own, not just strays i sit down with and pet and scratch at the void deck.

it's just that, sometimes i get very very lonely. like today. not even ben & jerry's helped.

and in a way, it's a fault of mine. i think i'm naturally introverted, i don't think seek people to be gossip-buddies or shopping-pals, but i seek out close friends and people who will be true to me. i enjoy reading and being by myself is fine too, i suppose it's just being by myself in a sea of people who are with other people, which makes me feel conscious of it, of something i'm lacking in?

i wonder. books have been a driving force in my life. i still like to sit down an read a very good book for hours on end, i'm fine being with myself, it's just when i'm all alone in a crowd of people whom i know, and i can't help but feel conscious. not caring is harder than (you) think.

close friends are ones that i'll always hold dear, and i have no doubt that they'll be there when things get screwed up and shit happens. but when it comes to being alone and introverted, i'm not sure whether it's a good or bad thing, and i don't know why it worries me. partly because it's a fault of mine; i feel uncomfortable when i'm with people who are acquaintances but who are not my close friends. because those people already have best friends and don't welcome my presence, or that i'm worried that people are laughing at me or deriding me in their minds.

which might convey to people a sense of inferiority but what the hell, i'm who i am. i care, i don't mind saying it out.

it's late, stuff. shit happened. shit will continue to happen.

i still want a cat of my own.

more than ever, i feel like a stray now.

and i still want a cat. maybe one day when i get a place to live i'll adopt strays from the neighbourhood.  ¶ 8:43 AM 0 Comments

  haha. i like this poem. doing literature project now. though i wonder how this captures the Spirit of the Times.


i like my body when it is with your

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric furr, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

from & (1925)  ¶ 10:46 PM 0 Comments

  My Theory On Why Society As We Know It Is Dominated by Men

The reason why society as we know it is for the most part dominated by men has nothing to do with men and their strength, testosterone or inflated egos. Neither has it anything to do with their subconscious desire to do what women can do.

The reason why society is male-dominated, is because women, while being able to conceive and carry children, in the process also suffer from PMS, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. Hence, the only plausible reason as I see it as to why men have dominated this planet is because they figured the one weakness of the fairer sex. By timing their deadly, hurtful attacks just right on the dot, they strike effectively and cruelly.

As has been shown, there is a clear need for something to be done about PMS. Hence, I propose that we find someway to cure the Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. Why do some women suffer excessively from it, while other continue skipping about happily not the least bit affected? Is it controlled by genes?  ¶ 7:32 AM 0 Comments

  shit.

i cried last night and i suppose it caused dirt to get in and since i was rubbing my eyes, i now have a stye in my eye.  ¶ 7:31 AM 0 Comments

  i find myself with an urge to write now. construct a story, characters, poke about with their lives and imagine myself leading a different life.

here's what we learn in french:
j'imagine le passé different,
j'imagine l'impossible.

which was what our teacher said what we learning the conditionnel present. but it sounds pretty poetic to me.

mm. but, imagine, cafés and windowsills overlooking a busy street with flowers growing on the windowsill, opening a flower shop or a café, books, darkly deeply attractive poets or men who carry red/black roses as bookmakrs in poetry books.

sounds like my idealisation of Paris.

ohwell. it's raining.

even for my dislike of the rain, something inside me just wants to go out and lie in the rain, on the grass. basking in the wet and the wild. but i'm horribly sick and those stuff are better done with friends anyway.  ¶ 10:26 PM 0 Comments

  it seems ages and ages since i last posted, and i suppose it has been; it's just that i've been so, so caught up in cancy's virtual cafe, it is such the best!

life now and tests are pretty okay. i'm sick, it almost hurts to breathe (no, just kidding. but i feel like i'm going to cough my lungs out any moment) but i'm glad the holidays are here. friday nights are always good for slacking because it seems like you have soo much time. heh.

tonight was good, very very good, almost too surreal to be good. but it was real, and i'm just still feeling all the effects of it. it's just ... mmmmm it's just very good. it's amazing to put down all the schoolwork and our busy busy lives and think, stare at the sky and the clouds, gaze out over a sunlit campus and think, just think. you don't need to come to any conclusion, you don't need to reach any epiphanies, but i firmly believe that time spent like that ensures your mental stability, that you don't give up halfway or end up unable to cope. it's just that ... place in your mind. some comfortable, cosy place; and when you know how to reach it, you're happy. you belong, you're fine.

what else happened ...

basically, a lotf of stuff has happened. i don't bother to post because i deem it unimportant but i suppose blogging is also a way to reach my place. i suppose on my blog i'm very very open, almost too open. but i've learnt it's easier & simpler that way. (ohyeah i figured out how to write the & sign. so nice & convenient! &&&&&&&&&&)

mm. and lastly, i came on here to write because of somehting i thought about. during biodiversity.

ephemerata

" ... Ephemeroptera, Greek Ephemeros - short-lived, pteron - wing, referring to the short life span of adults. As winged adults, they survive only a few hours or at most a few days. They eat nothing, nor do they crawl or walk. They only fly and mate within dancing swarms, usually in late afternoon or evening. Swarms, consisting of hundreds or thousands, emerge from the water after synchronously appearing along and inland of the shoreline ... "

Mayflies spend almost the whole of their lives as nymphs, waiting to metamorphose into their adult, or imago form. A lifetime of growth and maturity is spent on slow development into an adult; yet this form lasts only for a few hours, at most a few days. A few hours, a few days, of beauty, of glorious flight, of fresh air and sunlight. It seems strange that a mayfly should spend so much time awaiting such a time, to mate, to ensure that another mayfly will take its place, and to die after that, having completed its task ordained by Evolution or Nature. But yet I should think in this life, there lies a beauty that few can appreciate.

Imagine! Life as an imago, life with flight and sunlight and (sex) the ability to pass down one's genes to the next generation. The energy, the hopes and waiting of hundreds of lives that meet at a pinnacle (like a gothic church), in a huge mass of mayflies that mate and then die.

Imagine! The dead bodies that litter the floor/water(?) after such a peak has subsided.




It all seems very poetic to me, that's all. Mmmm.

The ephemeral, the transient the beauty that is there, in that moment, and if you blink or look away you miss it forever ... and it's such a sad loss ... don't you think?  ¶ 8:46 AM 0 Comments

  hurm. it's strange how easily i come undone by the silliest things.

i'm ... tired. and i feel like i'm running out of time.

this week has not been a good week, and it pretty much still aches.

hurm.





il pleut des cordes.

je suis triste.



... mixing memory and desire ...

- i like that line.

the violet hour ...


wasteland is ... good. i liked it.  ¶ 4:26 AM 0 Comments

  LIT HOMEWORK - JOURNAL Task 2: Journal Assignment

You are to create a persona and write a 200 word letter in the voice of an individual living in the modern period to an imaginary other. A brief description of the character and his/her context should also be provided.

The letter should address the individual's response to the social, cultural, technological, or historical change explored and experienced in that era.

Planning:
My Persona
Character: EMO. Emotional? Pessimistic?

Change: Social - Rise of cities and urbanization
Cultural -
Technological - New inventions, rapid advancement of technology and knowledge
Historical change - WWI
Time: 1922, same year that Eliot wrote Wasteland. Post-war.

Description of the character
The character is an individual living in Post-War London in 1922. He is in correspondance with his "imaginary other", a kindred spirit, a friend who is like him yet not like him, necessary and needed. He is emotional and thoughtful, he thinks and is deeply affected by the little things; he is descriptive and pessimistic and tends to ramble on and on. The rain affects him greatly, perhaps due to an event that happened before in his past. (Rain and war and death and gore?)He is not proud, and in this correspondance you can be sure that he is entirely truthful if nothing else. I think he is single.


1st March 1922

My Dear Friend,

How have you been? The days are long and at night I look up at the stars with a fierce longing and aching in my heart, I miss you; especially when I walk down the streets my feet strike the pavement with a dull thud and I do not hear a second set of footsteps beside me, no I do not hear yours. With pen and paper I ask you how you have been, how life has been treating you but words can only do so much. Perhaps one day technology will be so advanced as to allow us to speak as if face to face, I can only dream, that would be good.

Although I cannot help but think, at the rate things are going; the further people drift away from one another and seperate, isolate from each other, the closer they will grow to technology. People will need something to go to and seek comfort in, we are like that, we huddle blindly towards warmth and soft lights because we need it, because we are weaker than we think we are, and it shows itself. It shows itself in the haunted look of people who have lost their loved ones in the war and in people who have seen the horrors and greed of war. And more than ever, you can see them trying to reach out, but not daring to. Il pleut des cordes et je suis triste. It is hard to reach out and admit we need more than just ourselves. Technology may be better, after all, it does not think it does not hurt it does not betray and it does not have greed.

London. My relationship with her is complex. At time I love the city, at times I hate the city. You often say that the city is no place for me, no place for a soul like mine. But I do like it, in the brief fleeting moments of sunrise and sunset, in the bustling crowds and along the river at night - when it does not rain. Other times, when it rains (and it rains often enough here, i rain inside too) the pavement is dirty and covered with sludge, the air is damp, the sky is cloudy and I can hardly breathe. But there is beauty to be found within her arms, the lamps that light the roads at night and their faint but steady glow, the flurry of the birds and pigeons that huddle at the squares ... The city is an enigma. I will never know what I truly think of her.

After the war, things changed. Things are still changing and people, people most of all are changing. Some have left their hearts and souls and sanities behind and do not bother to retrieve them, others have learnt to move on and to let go and many of them have had to do so by force. Others have never had to experience the war, oh how happy and lucky they are, but how undeserving of it are they! It is not fair but many a thing is often not. And London houses all of these, into its heart these journeys are weaved and on its pages these proceedings are recorded, and ...

To live in such a time as this is a blessing and a suffering, but I do not regret it. I do not regret this life, despite everything that has happened and everything that has been lost and taken away. Despite my current situation I am content. I cannot say that I am happy or joyful, but I am content. And that will have to be enough for someone like me.

This day, something happened that I consider noteworthy. It was raining again, and it still is now, I am lucky to have shelter in my small appartment. The rain had come suddenly, as most real troubles do - they blindside you at 4 p.m. on a Thursday afternoon. And as usual, I had forgotten to bring my umbrella and the raindrops were starting to hit and shatter on my skin. And in the crowd, umbrellas started blooming like mushrooms after rain, and I could do naught but stand there and be uncomfortable. But suddenly there were no more raindrops hitting my skin. I looked up and saw a gaily coloured umbrella above me; I looked to the side and saw a young woman standing next to me holding her umbrella over me. She gave me a smile and shocked, I smiled back too. We parted after a few blocks.

I hope things are fine where you are. I hope our lives will get better with the days to come, and I hope that you are happy, or at least that you are content. Write back soon, I miss you.




Thomas.  ¶ 8:27 PM 0 Comments

  I AM FUCKING ANNOYED WITH CHEMISTRY AND TEACHERS WHO DO NOT TEACH PROPERLY BUT EXPECT US TO BE ABLE TO DO THE DAMNED CALCULATIONS.

SHIT.

I'M ALSO ON THE MOST PART FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING.

AND I'M ALSO ANNOYED WITH THE CHEMISTRY TEACHER FOR NOT DOING A GOOD JOB OF TEACHING.

FUCK THEM DIPROTIC ACIDS AND THEIR pHS AND EQUIVALENCE POINTS.  ¶ 6:39 AM 0 Comments

  mm. there are quite a lot of stuff to write about, but i shall put it on hold first for now because there is something more important ... michele!

it is sunday, 24th feb. 2 more days!

OH MY GOD. chicago just came on on the radio and i'm missing you terribly, michele. <3 AHHHHHH. my heart, me, just melts.

here's to you and us, your sweet sixteenth is coming up soon, and pretty soon (before we know it) you'll be counting down to your sweet seventeenth.

i know it's your sixteenth this year, but here you go, to us being wild and free and standing on the edge of everything

17

Backseat of her daddys car
I was trying not to go too far
Kept thinking about the words the preacherman said
Lightnin flashed across the sky
I saw love in a young girls eyes
And thats a look you never forget

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Legs hangin off the bayou bridge
Feedin fish potato chips
And talkin about the mysteries of the universe
Yeah the world was somewhere else
We had the summer all to ourselves
And the stars went off like fireworks

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Yeah seventeen
Sweet seventeen

i love the chorus, it's so ... wow. i think of us growing old together, growing up together, and i know i don't want to go through life without you.

you said that most of all, you just wanted to feel loved on your birthday; and know that i love you without knowing why and without any basis and even when i don't show it it's still there.

and i think of our dreams and i hope they come true. makes me smile, us on a roadtrip travelling through country and sleeping in motels and meeting strangers along the way and doing crazy crazy things.

mm. i've got to go off now. i'll continue this later ...

mm. i'm back now. it's today. wanted to call you but i bet you're out for dinner or something, so maybe i'll call you later. i'm so tired. rawr. i should take more care of myself. and so should you! because i don't want to see you hurt. although i think you're doing a better job of taking care of yourself than me ... *sniffs*

mm. that's all then.

just that, i care deeply about you and i don't ever want to see us part.

talking with you, feeling your presence even when we don't see each other very frequently, pouring out mine and listening to your woes, i realize that i need you. and my life would be very different without you.

so,

in essence,

<3
i love you.  ¶ 9:43 PM 0 Comments

  i don't need a man! hurm.

so after talking and thinking and an MRT ride home and a bus ride hom and a walk home,

i come to the conclusion that i am loose. and that i shouldn't agree to being in a relationship if i don't love the guy. and that i shouldn't just get into a relationship for the sake of being in one, but because i love that guy and want to develop my relationship with him.

and doing that before, it's not something i regret, but it was something that led me to change my perception of people and relationships and me, and despite the happiness i also felt sad and unhappy inside, so ...

you know what? i think i must have some kind of psychological problem with relationships or something. because of my history with guys and relationships with them, the guys who like/liked me get hurt or drift away or the guys i like don't like me, and end up drifting away from me now. but well, the guys in my life now are my close friends, and they're really good, and i love them so much, and i wonder what i'd do without them.

actually it's also the mindset that when it comes to year 6 we're all going to go seperate ways, so why get into a relationship when you know it won't amount to anything?

maybe i'm just desperate for intimacy.

hmm.

but anyway,

i don't need a boyfriend! i don't want to waste my time on some boy that i don't love and that i probably won't see again after 2 more years!

and i'll use that time ... i don't know, going over to friends' houses, learning guitar and tango and ballet, going out exploring singapore, going out with my brother to places, eating out at nice places,


and there's really so much stuff to do, and it's not that i need a guy.










and really, i'd hurt him and i'd hurt me. so i guess it's better this way ...

i'll do it tomorrow ...  ¶ 6:49 AM 0 Comments

  just to say

happy chinese valentine's day,

and that ... i'm probably on the verge of falling again. xD  ¶ 7:22 AM 0 Comments

  god. it's times like these that make me (random <3 sweet november)(another random <3 osmanthus tea) so absolutely undisputedly glad that i am who i am, the way i am. so after staying up late reading a book we reached midnight. and the new lunar year. i can't really get used to saying happy chinese/lunar new year. i just say happy new year. but i'm glad for this holiday, i'm glad for this festival, the way we celebrate it and live our life. i love that the wind is blowing into my room, my cards and little stuff pasted on the wall fluttering and blown about. i love that it's a beautiful day today. and later i'm going to see my cousin and her sons from norway! so. i'm very happy. perhaps contented is a closer word. and actually i think contentment is sometimes a stronger feeling, than happiness or joy.

"i'm contented, i guess" <3

but i'm happy, contented with my life so far. exchanging emails with a friend, meeting up with friends, quite settled and sorted out about religion, ... everything.

lifehouse comes on. you and me. and i am strangely stirred and affected by it. it's a beautiful song.

mr fadhir's message comes in and it cracks me up. lalala.

this kind of life is very good. books and music. god i should open this cafe or something. like books and coffee and records. or something. yeah. yeah! wouldn't that be nice?

oh and i'm going to get those very nice lamps. those that radiate orange light. they're wonderful, amazing, and very cosy.

You And Me


What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

°° J'ai besoin de toi °°


Ben voila bébé je t’écris un son ça vient du font du cœur, c’est mon petit cœur quoi.

C’est la première fois que je vis ça
C’est la première fois que je ressens ça
C’est la première fois que je pleure comme ça
C’est la première fois que j’aime comme ça

C’est fou d’aimer autant
De ne pas comprendre ce qu’on ressent
Tu sais je t’aime tellement
J’aimerais qu’on aille de l’avant
Est-ce que ça va durer
Ça Dieu seul le sait
On ne peut que prier
Et que soit faite sa volonté

_Refrain_
J’ai besoin de toi, dans ma vie
Tu prends t’en de place dans mon cœur, dans mon esprit
J’ai besoin de toi à mes côtés
Je veux t’aimer, et avec toi tout partager

Les douleurs qu’on ressent parfois
Les plages, les pleures quelque fois
Tu ne les nies pas
Je ne les nie pas
Mais le bonheur que je ressens
Avec toi tout nos bons moments
On a plus que ça

_Refrain_
J’ai besoin de toi, dans ma vie
Tu prends t’en de place dans mon cœur, dans mon esprit
J’ai besoin de toi à mes côtés
Je veux t’aimer, et avec toi tout partager

J’ai demandé à Dieu
Une vie comme le rêve bleu
J’ai demandé à Dieu
Un conte merveilleux
J’ai prié Dieu
Pour qu’on soit bien tout les deux
J’ai prié Dieu
Pour qu’ils nous rendent heureux

_Refrain_
J’ai besoin de toi, dans ma vie
Tu prends t’en de place dans mon cœur, dans mon esprit
J’ai besoin de toi à mes côtés
Je veux t’aimer, et avec toi tout partager (x2)

Car si tu aimes mon coeur, mérite mon bonheur
Mon rêve me délivre ma douceur
Si tu aime mon coeur, mérite mon bonheur
Mon rêve me délivre ma douceur
Reste mon coeur, mérite mon bonheur
Reste mon rêve, me délivre pas tout seul

listen to this french song. it's pretty good.  ¶ 6:51 PM 0 Comments

  this is the moment. and this is me comitting to it.

i'm like a half-zombie or something. hurm. it's a strong feeling, but i'll see where it takes me.

i'm stumped and pretty tired from reading,

and it's going to be a new year in 2 minutes,

and i love you all so much.

and ... it's just a feeling of me, being in this world, now, and although i am tired and longing and a bit peeved i am pretty damn happy. and you know that feeling, where you can just brush of anything that irks you. well, today i had it. i still had a bit of it now. i still see people. and i still know that people change


and
i forgive them




and ...

happy new year!

yeah that's all.

kylie.  ¶ 7:57 AM 0 Comments

  sweet november we watched sweet november tonight, while counting down to the new year. it's an amazing film, i think. i love it. it's so amazingly romantic, very nice.

and it makes me cry, or want to to cry, or almost cry.

and it makes me want to write some people. i love it, i love it so much.





oh, and i seem to have some kind of sadistic fascination/fixation/fetish with candle wax. okay, maybe not a fetish then.

next is that i like osmanthus tea a lot a lot a lot.

next is that i want to keep a dog or kitten. when i grow up. and that i was thinking about what would happen if something happened to him, and i realized that i would want to be with him to ... ease his pain. and mmmm.

and that i'm trivially worrying about my new year clothes as well.

and not touching my homework one bit. actually i've finished most of it so it should be fine.

and ...

i'm in that state again. that floating around slightly light-headed overwhelmed emotional kind of state. but still quite clear-headed i think.

mm. it's an odd kind of feeling, but i like it. i like being slightly unclear, i like my lifestyle. i welcome the vulnerability, slightly. and damn it, i want to kiss. but i don't have anyone to kiss! how?

upon reading this, the conclusion that kylie is drunk may suddenly appear in your mind, and that is not an impossible conclusion, and it may be slightly true, but i'm fine, seriously. i'm fine.


lalala. happy new year!  ¶ 6:23 AM 0 Comments

  it'll be the new year in ... 6 hours and 49 minutes. <3 i love this time of year. all the relatives coming down, all the food, everything.

first, that i realize that i like people, and i miss people, hell i love people; but that i don't need to try to figure out how exactly i feel towards them. i just feel for them. and ... that's quite enough for me, actually.

next, that i learnt (quite surprisingly, from a chinese comprehension in the workbook) that friendship is not petty or greedy, and does not take into account how much you do for the other, or how much your friend does for you. it ... is not selfish, it does not search or demand any payment. and it's not equivalent exchange either. it is something given freely. and i need to stop worrying whether my friends care or not even though they may not express it, because i know they care, and i don't need tokens or actions to prove it. i don't need to worry that i care more than they do, or that the feelings are one-sided. i just love them.

so.

mm.

i'm growing up, i think. one year older as of midnight! <3  ¶ 1:08 AM 0 Comments

  i want to jump into bed with you, lazily lying in your arms tangled up in blankets against the cold half-sleeping the music playing the rain falling and a half-filled cup of coffee nearby. i want to dance with you in the blue light.  ¶ 1:04 AM 0 Comments

  hmmm. reading people's blogs and talking to people and realizing how liking/loving someone can really make your life so ... sweetly insane, terribly terrific, insanely sweet, terrifically terrible and just awfully tormentful but a bit sweet too.

at its worst i think it's probably very very strong tea with no sugar bah. or ... i don't know. like eating soap?

or dark expresso coffee. really can't drink that.

mm.

and that some things are probably meant to be. some things ... are better left as they are still.  ¶ 7:32 AM 0 Comments

  class outing! more light-hearted stuff coming from me now.

went for class outing today, casual concert at the esplanade from 5 to 6.30. i thought it'd be until 7.30 but was wrong haha. i left the house at 2 i think, reached at 3 wandering around the mall and walking down the river. sat down, read Eliot and wondered what he meant. then went back to the mall and tried studying.

met camille at like 4.15. then mr pradeep came. and eventually people started showing up.

then we went in for the concert. it was ... good. not amazing, out-of-my-mind good but it was enjoyable still, the fact that we were out as one class for this concert. relaxed, and i liked that it was casual and not formal. yep.

it's nice, listening. some parts just make me smile.

oh, and shoot shag marry. pianist violinist percussionist.

i'd marry the pianist, shag the percussionist and shoot the violinist.

yep.

post responses please (:

after the concert we talked to mr pradeep about our project, then we went off for dinner and after a lot of discussion we went to makansutra glutton's bay? beside the river. where we mass ordered stuff to eat. we being me yuting and gan royston jt leroy jackie leon junwei. yep.

ate, had fun, then went back home. passed by the citylink place? or something like that. walked around in hmv. i'd love to be able to have money to spend on records. yep.

then continue walking to the mrt. ran into janel aaron and david. then we all went home. me and david took the same train home. hmm ... david is nice. although i don't really know him, he's a good guy i think.

i liked what i was wearing today. okay.

then i reached home at around 9.40.

then now i'm settled and typing this, quite content, and my feet quite aching. funny though, because i didn't realize how tired i was until now. because i was with friends bah.

it was, well, really good.

yeah.

here's hoping the once-a-month class outings follow through! and that we really have one once a month! that we have lots of fun!





love and huggles,
kyles!  ¶ 6:38 AM 0 Comments

  i shall blog about some normal everyday stuff now. it's been ages since i last did that, most of the time i'm just ranting or musing.

after a god-awful lunch at home today, i went to kaihui's house to give her her present. or rather i stood outside at the lift landing and called her and told her that i was outside her house.

and she asked me to go for lunch with junle nic yeo and royston. and her. and i sorta agreed and my dad was surprised and reluctant and i changed and i went and it was weird. nice, strange, weird, but not that uncomfortable, i don't know why.

and comics con! but i couldn't find HXH, i have no idea why i can't ...

and lunch was very good.

yep.

okay.

bye.


(that was an awfully stifled entry. i don't know why ... )  ¶ 2:32 AM 0 Comments

  if i carry on like this, i swear i am going to explode in no time at all.

first, is that i'm getting mad at people, but can't or at least i don't want/feel like telling them that they're not being very nice because i don't want to/feel like damaging our relationship.

sooner or later it'll have to come out i guess. or i can hope it just goes away.

and that, yeah, guys have a lot of hurting power. why is that so? and damn!, they don't even know or care that they've hurt you and just go on their own merry little way. that's just screwed. and when you argue with them, well, it doesn't go anywhere because they're so fucking stubborn. yeah! i don't get why i always botch up my relationships with guys. maybe it's just something about me bah. i'm just who i am, but they prefer other people so i can't do anything about it. i can only care bah, because i can't change who i am because i like me the way i am and i'm just stubborn that way.

okay.

and meanwhile i'm getting lightheaded and confused about other guys.

that's all.

but just to say,

guys can be such fucking oblivious idiots, and they can also be downright bastards.  ¶ 5:15 AM 0 Comments

  in memory of heath ledger ...





it's sad, that an actor, so young and talented, should die like this.



and ...

mm. just speechless.

we'll leave it as that.




<3  ¶ 5:11 AM 0 Comments

  haha. if someone gave me flowers i would be overjoyed. laughs.

mm. eating instant noodles at 12.28 a.m with my mum and dad is nice.

talking to people late at night is nice too  ¶ 8:58 AM 0 Comments

  i decide to not worry about how materialistic or how ... childish this makes me seem,
but something i want to have would be a plant, or flowers.

that's all.  ¶ 11:01 PM 0 Comments

  Mad Girl's Love Song
By Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)


The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.


I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)


God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.


I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)


I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"




now imagine how i must have been feeling ...  ¶ 7:56 AM 0 Comments

  my one-sided conversation with the world ...

aw man, korean dramas are awfully good, i think. the characters are so extremely well-defined, and the plots are oftenly awesomely good.

somehow i'm looking forward to council meeting tomorrow. i wonder why. perhaps it's that i'm easing into it slowly.

i want to play the piano!

i think i am a pretty odd person. perhaps very ... sentimental? fake emotion? no, i hope not. or at least emotional? i'm not sure.

sometimes i wonder if it's just me being too sensitive with words and language (my mum scolds me for being this way but she's like that too actually) or whether some people really have some resentment or grudge that is showing in their words and language. personally i think that one's words and language and body language is a very good representation of what they feel inside.

mm.

somehow it's coming back to me so yay.

i am in desperate need of a hug. preferably from a guy. do you know i even considered offering hugs? then i realize that that would make me so cheap. but i want hugs! and there are times i just want to hug or kiss people. ahh. i think it's france. because of france.

okay.

i am hug-deprived and desperate.   ¶ 7:13 AM 0 Comments

  oh if i kissed you ...
i'm listening to corrinne may's "if i kissed you" now. it's so infectious and sweet, it's taking over my mind.

i think korean dramas and good music is influencing me. and i still think that i am (slightly) loose, since you are supposed to spend a lot of time mooning over a break-up and what the hell is wrong with me anyway? what is the problem?

but yeah, korean dramas. the creative imaginative totally-not-realistic plots and stuff that are just too sweet, just so sweet. and i guess it makes you long, yearn for a romance of your own, because it's like such a sweet special secret that you keep in you and sometimes it's like you're overflowing, like you're a fuse box about to blow yourself out, and it's sweet, you know. i don't ever regret falling for anybody or getting involved with anybody. mm.

let's talk about my latest fixation. it's so, so stupid, because somehow or other i don't see him at all after the first few times, after school actually started. i never knew our school was so big! it's one of those things where i started noticing so much more about someone after i get to know them even more and it's quite ... it's like falling. there's no basis, no reason, just a strange attraction, like xiang wang or something. a fixation, although i don't know him well, i'm drawn to him, and no it's not physical, it's quite ... i don't really know how to describe it.

the sweet, sweet insanity of this bizarre yearning/romance? that is going nowhere

but i guess i'll never know if i never try
i guess i'll just have to grab you in my arms and kiss you ...

and that there are times where i just want to kiss people. haha. or hug. but yeah, kiss. not just anyone, and i suppose the action itself is quite on impulse. and about first kisses. it's interesting, korean dramas.  ¶ 7:25 AM 0 Comments

  and this is the 200th post.

i'm going to blow it on something useless.

and just say that i realize how much the physical, the "real" (oh god can i even say this?), and the tangible is so much intertwined with me and my thoughts.

like running water. warm water, cold water. just the feeling of water on skin is good.

maybe i'll lengthen it later.  ¶ 4:06 AM 0 Comments

  and i guess it seems kinda weird, for me, 15 and not yet 16, to be thinking so much about my future and my future lifestyle when i don't even know what will happen, but i can't help thinking and dreaming about it.  ¶ 1:19 AM 0 Comments

  i'm slowly inching towards 200 posts. but that is not the reason for me posting so much, and in so many different parts.

anyway, i am to elaborate here on my dream. yes, i've found (perhaps yet another) dream. i want a cottage. somewhere. somewhere beautiful, and a beautiful cottage of course. somewhere where i will relax and repose with my lover, lying down on the wooden floor tangled up in each other wrapped up in a bubble of warmth and comfort. a somewhat hazy, and grey kind of sunlight will filter through and when it gets too dark we will turn on the lights, and cook together and for each other. like, lazy afternoons reading the newspaper, or outings together somewhere, or watching good films, or crazy road trips where we'd just drive off listening to good music and stopping at random and unknown stops. and every now and then, we'd pack up go bagpacking and traveling somewhere in the world.

it somehow seems a very ideal lifestyle. sure, we'll have jobs and work our asses off trying to make a living and survive (and also because i suppose a life like that would require a lot of money.) , but we'll have each other and we'll have time. although it seems the kind of lifestyle, where we wouldn't actually go anywhere, just holding each other and we'd be all we needed. a lack of ambition, i guess, but i realize most of all i want a comfortable life, with someone i love.

which makes me wonder if i would want to have children, if i could have a life like that. because while children would be love and would be something good because we won't be young forever, children would potentially ruin a life like that, and i wonder if children can grow up normally with a lifestyle like that. and where would they go to school and everything. and whether i want a lifestyle like that, perhaps more cut off from the urban lifestyle and the city, because i do appreciate that too. but mostly, i'm also quite scared that i won't meet this person to share my life with. and whether we would share the same ideals, and the same dream. and same lifestyle, you know?

or an appartment, perhaps. i'm not too choosy. it's more on the kind of lifestyle, i guess, and not the place. that way i'd be close to the urban too. but a cottage and nature and a view is love.

mm. i realize that i see a lot of scenes and picture a lot of images in terms of lighting. which also somehow reflects the mood that it projects in my mind. like misty golden, or honey golden, or warm golden, or silver mist.

stuff like that.

mm.  ¶ 11:29 PM 0 Comments

  play. so now i look back at the torrent of hate and frustration that i had that night. did you know that crying things out actually made things better? i woke up the next thing with only a hazy memory of what happened. it almost seemed like a dream, until i realize what happened. so, things were bad and i don't think i was exxagerating, and i did get hurt in subtle and some silent ways, but i'm fine.

it was bad, i don't think i'll take my words back, because it did happen and i don't want to erase my memory of it. because it really did happen. and sometimes i want to remember what happened.


just that, sometimes it's the worst when people hurt you without knowing it. actually i guess it's even worse when people hurt you with the intention to hurt, which is just malice and edged and that's bad. i'm lucky that that doesn't happen to me i guess. it's not nice feeling that you've been used, or mouthed off behind your back and that does happen, but well it still happens. but sometimes it's bad when people do it without knowing it, because then it falls kinda down to you being just too sensitive, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, right?





glass

glass breaks
because it is fragile
you don't blame
the glass
for breaking.
a heart breaks
because it is fragile.
so why blame
the heart
for breaking?
why blame me?


- hold on by alan gibbons

it's a book on bullying in schools and what happens is that this guy died. (and this is not a spoiler because you know it from the start) i'm not a victim, but it really made me think, and realize how much people can get hurt. just that in this book it was meant to hurt, and it was really bad. and it made me feel sad. very sad.

i think my mood fluctuates like a pendulum. sometimes i'm happy and sometime i'm depressed. it's crazy, and i wish i could find some kind of centre, balance. i suppose it's all the change. (just like when one factor is changed in a system, the equilibrium position shifts. but eventually settles down.)







mm.

love,
kyles.  ¶ 11:07 PM 0 Comments

  mm. okay. i'm much better now, lazing at home working and lazing around.

i realize that certain things seem to grow on you. like films and movies, and songs, yes especially songs. i guess it's not easy?, no not good or not a given to just write off everything on first impressions. it's like a cat ... fiercely independant on its own, but after a while it creeps about, skulking around, rubbing itself up against your thigh. like, it hangs around like smoke, or a kind of fragrance that you accept and appreciate without really voicing it out or noticing it. some stuff just grow on you, like plants and creepers, and it's like life. even though plants may seem to be the most lifeless of organisms, but they always represent life to me, because of their dedication to live, to grow, their tenacity to survive almost everywhere. and it's nice to give plants to people too. <3.

i realize that making coffee in the early morning, when it is cold and the skies are cloudy, and the general impression is that you are in silver mist or fog, is quite a ... poetic moment, there's a certain feel to it that is so very comfortable, comforting and very ... real, very worldly. drinking coffee always seemed to be such a grown-up thing, something that children couldn't understand. and i remember i was that way towards a lot of things when i was young like beer and alcohol and tea and coffee and cheese ... and now i quite appreciate those things in my life. coffee seems to be like a symbol of our times perhaps, how we drink it so much. it has a reputation of caffeine addicts, and fast-paced lifestyles; but sometimes to me it can just be a quiet cold morning or a lazy sunny afternoon. and really, that can be what is is really. i'd like to go to a cafe somewhere, and just sit down and read and drink coffee. and also about the atmosphere of a coffee place, it's not just only the coffee that keeps people going to cafes, but also the atmosphere, the experience of coffee. and supposedly the commercialization of starbucks kinda ruined that for them. which is quite interesting. mm. coffee.

last, is that i have this list of things i want to have done in my life, not something that i want to do for my whole life, mind, but some things that i want to have tried for a while.

to work in a cafe
to work in a bookshop
to live for a period of time in an appartment in a major city in the world
to go on a road trip with friends/a friend






and there are other stuff that i want to do but have not listed in here yet.  ¶ 10:52 PM 0 Comments

  and after writing off all of that shit on my mind, it's wrong how i seem to feel better by the fact that all my anger is floating somewhere out there on the world wide web, subjecting people to viewership of it.

that's just screwed.

and i know i said i wouldn't do it.

so i just screwed myself over.

i'll decide what to do in the morning. actually tomorrow night, friday night.

aw shit you know i am so glad that tomorrow is friday?

have the best night ever.  ¶ 7:21 AM 0 Comments

  angry frustrated shit shit. i just feel like crying now, because i'm just so frustrated and so much stuff seems to be going wrong with my immediate, present life. there are things i want to say but i can't, because i don't want to hurt anyone or drive a wedge between us. there are things that get to me and crawl underneath my skin, gnawing away at my flesh, that drive me insane and i can't do anything about that either because it would be rather selfish to demand what i want from people. it is driving me crazy and i am imagining how it would be like to live in an appartment or flat on my own. there is the fact that i can't get any fucking sleep because of the hours these people keep keeping, there is the fact that i find myself getting bogged down by the stupid, stupid stuff, there is the fact that people tell me things that they don't know that i don't want to hear and the thing is that they're so, so fucking nice it's just so, so wrong. and i don't know how to tell them because, shit, they're just so nice and good and i'm so wrong and messed up. there are people who have the worse timing ever, and people who drag me down with them into negativity, and me. all in all i guess, really, the problem just lies with me because you know, if i were so fucking nice and good it would be just easy and i wouldn't be hurt all the time and i wouldn't feel angry at people, but i just am. i am me and i am in a hell lot of badness now.

what an expletive-filled paragraph. i feel like i'm living my life on barbed wire, that it's not going anywhere and i'm just getting angry. this week has not been very good. sometimes i've been slighted and it doesn't feel good, but hey some people can't help playing favourites. i guess no one can help that. and the happiness, it isn't true happiness, it isn't the true joy you get because you're honestly, honestly satisfied and comfortable and good with yourself, but it's the strange, abnormal, unnatural happiness that is the rush of adrenaline and crazy, heady feeling that tires you out and leaves you wondering what it was. you end up just as bad as ever.

and oh hell my face is screwing up and i'm just, just mad. i'm going to sleep now.

putin de bonne nuit.

have a good night.  ¶ 7:08 AM 0 Comments

  i'm scared shit. i'm scared. i'm scared that i'm taking on too much stuff next year. and that i'll be very busy and unable to cope and everything, everything. i need to write. get things off my mind. need to let it out.

aw man. i think i'm under the influence of coffee. damn. i need to stay away from that thing.

but yeah. i need comfort and something warmth and sweet and comforting just about right now.

maybe i can cut down on fanfiction. spend my time with friends. and maybe studying on the train. i love studying on trains sometimes. to really commit. or at least understand everything during the lesson, and not to over-prepare for anything.

and i need to sleep early.

really need to motivate myself to get up and do stuff

okay  ¶ 7:21 AM 0 Comments

 

it's a heartagram. HIM. yep.  ¶ 1:31 AM 0 Comments

  coffee on a rainy day i'm drinking my second cup of coffee now, after having finished sweet potato, sweet and starchy and sticky over my fingers with my ring on my middle finger. on my left hand. it's raining, cool droplets faintly dropping on my skin and everything is so quiet and the world seems to turn so slowly, everything seems so comfortable and unchanging and now "imagine" is playing on the radio. and my dad is singing along brokenly, but i still love him. and the raindrops are just falling around me outside the window, slanting in a way. the sky is white and blinding and i draw shut the curtains and take a sip from the coffee cup on my desk. and the sound of the raindrops, in the background with the song in the background. it's amazingly beautiful and pretty, comfortable and quiet. like i'm in a bubble now, in my bubble world. and even though it's cold out, i'm sipping on coffee and it's warm and it trickles into me and stays there like sunshine. and i'm reading fanfiction and feeling pretty happy. if i had to name the color this feeling gives me, it's amber color. like tea, perhaps. or a nice brown like coffee.

coffee is a nice thing. no, i'm not getting addicted. i like the taste. warm (i don't like cold coffee much), rich, creamy after the initial taste, sweet (because i like it so.)and mmmm. this is really how i like my coffee. perhaps it's two creamers and two sugars. if you put cream instead of creamer or milk it is such the best.

the song changes, now it's hanging by a moment by lifehouse. it's such the best. these songs are 987stripped, where songs are stripped down to their basics, the acoustic version. 4 to 5 on saturday afternoons. just voice and maybe guitar.

and i think of him, and remember the moment, that subliminal moment that the book describes. how people can suddenly become so, so amazingly beautiful in your eyes. just so. and even though i know it's nothing at all i can't help smiling because it's really really a good thought.

now it's snow patrol. chasing cars. i think i like it better stripped down.

now it's a different song. it's funky. radio is good. mcfly's stargirl.

hahaha. brushing hair! haven't tried. don't know if it really works to relax someone. okay! shall find someone and try.

i'm content with my life now. even though it's raining and there's so much stuff ahead of me. mmmmm. it's good. warmth from coffee and the laptop.
everything. it's just so perfect. and beautiful. and i'm smiling. so i guess rainy days aren't as bad, as long as you have coffee!

there's a black ribbon around my ankle now. i guess it's a kind of kink for me. hmmm. but i don't do anything more with it so. but i like it. feet are a kind of fascination for me i guess. not really in shoes but just naked. and perhaps with ribbon around it. oh! i realize that i want to get more ribbon. i used up quite a lot with presents. and i want more to play around with. ribbon is really very useful! you can put ribbons in your hair, around your neck, around presents, around ankles and other stuff. mmhmm. but yeah, feet are a fascination. people walk around their whole lives on them, supporting all their weight. run around on them.

sting fields of gold. and 1973. are love.

my room is half dark now, as i've drawn the curtains closed. it's ... mellow and comfortable.

well the radio show is ending. but you know, there are certain phrases and words that strike me so much.

music in its purest form.

estce qu'on peut se tutoyer?  ¶ 12:13 AM 0 Comments

  it is close to midnight, a bit later than midnight. i am at my study trying not to make a sound on the computer so that everyone else won't be roused from sleep. i gave up trying to type in the dark.

erm. i need to sleep now.

orientation was tiring.

very very tiring.

but fun still.

night  ¶ 7:57 AM 0 Comments

  today's the last day of 2007, 2008 starts in 3 hours and 8 minutes.

i'll put up my resolution once i finish writing it  ¶ 4:52 AM 0 Comments

  sometimes i get sad when i find myself drifting away from my friends.

or maybe i'm just over-reacting.

i think i am.

oh man. i think i am seriously screwed, because whenever i try to write poetry i want to make it so ... profound and intimate and deep and i can't because my words fail me at this. and it frustrates me to no end, because well it's something i want to do. and why do i ever only manage to write love poems?

argh.

i feel inadequate, dull and blunt and inexpressive.

shyt,

this is very bad and i need/want  ¶ 8:02 AM 0 Comments

  because we live in
the empty spaces within lines
and black inks and structures and forms
it leaves me at quite a loss as to
what to do with you,
but to be happy,
i guess.


the feel of skin on cloth (on skin)
on pillow on comforter
comforts me.


i miss kissing,
miss knowing that for a moment,
we share not just a feeling?relationship?bond?
but a breathe,
without which we cannot
live.

aw shyt i'm gonna go off now and hope that my poetry improves. shyt you know it is tremendously hard to write poetry on stuff other than romance????????????

why am i such a total dunce with my feelings and my writing????????????????

why????????????????????????  ¶ 7:19 AM 0 Comments

  happiest

in which i realise that i'm
happiest,
talking with you, playing with you
flinching away from your touches
smiling secret smiles,
or simply
sitting side-by-side in absolute silence


i miss you

it's not a pain,
it's a pang, an ache that
won't go away
a subtle tugging of my heart strings by invisible threads
that reminds me that no matter
how far i go
i can't escape
you.

not that i want to,
for if i did, it would be a pain
part of me is left behind
calling me from the direction i came from
and perhaps it is the fact that we will meet again
(and we will)
that makes this longing, this waiting
so bittersweet

i thought about you when i looked
up, at the stars iin the sky so
lonely and cold, and thought out
into the night, wondering if
the stars miss each other,
light years apart
as i miss you. (although we are just a plane ride away)

i thought about you when i
first laid my eyes on Paris,
La Tour Eiffel, la grand demoiselle de fer
when i gazed up at notre dame's stained glass windows,
when the sun warmed me with its rays
overlooking acres of wine country,
and wished you were
there, here with me.

i suppose that i am a fool,
but without you,
i am incomplete,
for you have my heart
(stolen/won/willingly given)
and more besides
but we are all fools anyway,
and i wonder,
did you miss me too?  ¶ 7:23 AM 0 Comments

  This is very, very pretty. <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWkw9ZdBups">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWkw9ZdBups

My Big, Fun, Scary Goals for 2008! (Damn, I don't dare to post on the Nano Forum because my word count reads zero)

Maintain my blog and change my skin and GET A TAGBOARD
Learn how to play the piano for Wind by Akeboshi
Do up a FREAKING AWESOME IR PROJECT
FINISH my previous IR project
Do SOMETHING for geography IR project
Do some kind of sport
GROW. I mean in height, but well other things count too.
WRITE. in my journal more regularly. and creatively too.
Learn how to bake.
Save up money.
Manage to get a better wardrobe at a small cost.
Get contacts.
Survive school.



I'll add onto this when I can.  ¶ 4:56 AM 0 Comments

  france i'm back from france, yes i'm back and i didn't forget to come back. it has been ... very different, and it's almost like a totally different world out there, different from what we see usually here in singapore, so much so that we think that it doesnt exist because its outisdeof the worlds we create around ourselves. but the world is bigger than us, and if i died the world would continue turning, although my world would be destroyed.

argh that sounds bad.

and its just recycled trash from fma anyway xD

but yeah, i realized that i learnt a lot of things in france. not everything was good, but i did learn things and i came back wiser, stronger from it. it's not that it wasn't amazing, just that some stuff happened and i realize i learnt more about a culture than what tourists usually see on the surface.

and perhaps a bit frustrated. i miss him.

okay.

i realize when i say okay it's like a break, where it just ends and continues from something else. like a period, and by that i mean a full stop.

i want to just stay home for one day and slack. oh god. life now is still very tiring.

anyhow, what i've been wanting to say but haven't said so far because i forgot is that i realize, with some help from lanya, that french stuff usually has a very nice aftertaste. and looking back now, i realize that yeah, it does.

cheese, wine, kisses, everything.  ¶ 8:08 AM 0 Comments

  ! 1 @ 2 # 3 $ 4 % 5 ^ 6 & 7 * 8 ( 9 ) 0 - _ + = ~ `

to solve my dire need of these stuff.

thanks a lot cancy :D  ¶ 6:50 AM 0 Comments

  book rec and chocolate book rec exclamation mark:

a natural history of the senses

after reading it you begin to appreciate your senses more indepthly?clearly?. chocolate seems ever more sexy and rich, colours seem brighter, touch seems all the more importance. i learnt that when people are upset, the single best thing to give is ... a hug, i think.

yeahp. chocolate at night gets me ... ermm stimulated?turnedon?aroused?

that sounds incredibly wrong on many levels.

but erm yeah dark chocolate. many many endorphins.

okay weirdd.





next is that ... seeing pictures of bordeaux and all the amazing architecture, i'm simply ... amazed. at the same time i realize how little i know about france, how little i know about the culture of a country whose beautiful language i study.

still ... can't wait. maybe i'll read baudelaire when i'm there. like, print out poems and analyze on the plane. with my dictionary in one hand, of course.

whee  ¶ 10:49 PM 0 Comments

  NANOWRIMO > STORY
TITLE > There is a little girl in my head.

REAL-WORLD-GIRL PERSPECTIVE
1.
I think something is seriously wrong with me. It's more than the fact that, you know, I find ankles amazingly sexy, or the fact that I enjoy getting depressed and bawling my eyes out at the slightest thing, doused with excess sentiments that seem to run off from other people and trickle into me. You see, the thing is, there is this little girl in my head.




GIRL-IN-MIND PERSPECTIVE
1.
You could say that I am ... normal? What is normal? That's a very good question. That which is normal can be defined as being common amongst people. But hey, who am I to know that, when the only company I have is an immature girl who is too insecure, too presumptous, and simply too sentimental? After all, I live in her head. I should know.

2.
The thing about this, is that I actually get some perks. Some bonuses in addition to the fact that ... that my world is a large expanse of white space, with nothing more added to it than what she adds to it, and furnishes it with. You see, imagine your perfect room. The perfect combination of colours, blended together to suit your mood, something chic, something funky - whatever you like, goes. Living in her mind, I can fashion stuff out of the white space that she rarely uses, shaping and moulding it into whatever I like. And hence, the perfect room.

There are warm, orange, amber-sepia lights, with bean bags and a hammock, yes a hammock, strung between two poles. And there are walls, painted black, full black. I swear, living in her head gets me rather influenced. She said that she gets the run off of other people's emotions, didn't she? Well then, imagine my circumstance. There are paintings on the wall, my favourite is Dali's The Girl at the Window. I like how she looks out of her window into the expanse of space, looking into what, I wonder. I like to think that she is peering into souls, or looking into the future.

The future. I wonder what my future will be like. Oh wait. I don't HAVE a future, remember? Till something happens, I remain yours truly, the girl within her head.  ¶ 8:32 AM 0 Comments

  lit i have finished reading hard times! yayyyyyyyy
but ahhhhhh my com is lagging! lagging, i tellyou!
it's just so irritating.

okay. that's all.

starts doing literature project.

byee  ¶ 7:11 AM 0 Comments

  poems let's try some poems shall we?

it's late,
my eyelids are d


like life?time?hours?
are dripping a
............... w
...........a
.......y (fullstops are supposed to be replacements/representations/to represent spacing that does not cooperate)
into a bottomless well
and i lean too far over the edge and i
f
a
l
l
in.

and i flip through my books
that rustle and crinkle at the edges
and i think, those pages are me.
then i laugh at myself; i'm so much more than words on paper.
life, is more than words.
so many things are more than words.
love, sex? i wonder if i'll be able to understand it years from now. (think to the song more than words)
and i show my distrust in my memory with a reminder.
and i think about talking with michele about the primary school days and how much of it i have forgotten. wanted to forget? i can't truly say so.
but i digress.
i wonder if the paper and ink will outlive me.
it's going strong still,
but i wonder if it will fade, the ink,
and what would become of me, or the past(insert dash, faulty keyboard)me in that flickering, unique (thinks of math) and unretrievable moment. truly fully unretrievable but perhaps partially so?

and as i flip through pages i am looking back to (mirror just in time) the past mes in each moment of time that pasts. it's like seeing a ... video of my life. a movie; just in black/pink/green/blue/purple/pink ink on white paper/canvass/screen.

and it's strange/bizarre/amazing how nostalgic i get but i guess that is what beocmes of you when you keep 22 diaries.

and sleep claims me. not the dark too, i hope.  ¶ 9:31 AM 0 Comments

  i sorted through my diaries today and came to the conclusion that the current diary i am using is number 22.

i have lost diary number 2. and that's sad. it's a part of me i will never get back. or at least a part of my past, if i don't remember it.

and these diaries are like ... special. detailing my life.

and flipping through them is a very "wow" thing. because reading through all i have written. i have changed, so much so that sometimes it's like i'm reading someone else's writings and i try to understand myself better and ...

mm. i need to sleep. night!  ¶ 9:26 AM 0 Comments

  oh dear, it seems like i am to throw out one of the books on my list of definitive novels in favor of this novel: How I Live Now.

michele recommended it to me, and it so happened that i read it already, and one of my juniors also recommended it to me, or at least praised it when she say it in my hands. now isn't that enough proof of how definitive this book is?

*sleeps*  ¶ 8:47 AM 0 Comments

  the corrs 的歌 "what can i do" 在我脑子里不停地播放。我呢，正在做我的华文功课：丝绸之路。我实在很想有一天去走丝绸之路，看一下那里美丽的风景。

我正在想象到那里会有多好；突然我脑子里起了这些想法:

the brink of human nature, the raw essence of the soul, what it means to be alive and looking out over the vast desert and where thousands of other feets have trod before me, i think that might be where i will find my answers.  ¶ 12:37 AM 0 Comments

  something never fail to get at me, to strike me, even in the mundaneness of life and schoolwork and GASP maths test.

and that's how the little, little things about all the people i've loved just come seeping through.

like ...
how he enjoys the winterscape so much, just looking at it
how she's so, so complex, so sad sometimes, but still so ... amazing and funny and warm and ... latenight conversations that seem to stretch and it's like she knows me and ... mmmmm ...
how he likes these amazing obscure songs and this woman's songs.
how she likes the rain.
how he's so ... intrusive and disrupting but still ... ahh i love him anyway
how he's such a slacker! but still manages to scrape through with no little bit of my help, tyvm.
how he's so random
how she's so ... sweet and wellmeaning and boyshy. and long long conversations about plot and characters ...
how she's so cute. xD and small and seemingly fragile but actually very strong
how he's so ... caring, helpful
how he sings random songs
how she's so incredibly artistic
how she can do art so incredibly well
how she's sometimes so ... insecure and superficial but also such an amazing writer and such a tomboy who is close to my heart.


and i love all these little things about them.  ¶ 5:15 AM 0 Comments

 


































here's a rare photo. possibly my first. hahaha.


  ¶ 3:55 AM 0 Comments

 

My list of 10 definitive novels:

1. Red Sky In The Morning by Elizabeth Laird
2. Underground to Canada by Barbara Smucker
3. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery
4. A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin
5. Rice Without Rain by Minfong Ho
6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
7. About a Boy by Nick Hornby
8. Totto chan by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi
9. Bloomability by Sharon Creech
10. Flour Babies by Anne Fine
11. Anne of Green Gable by L.M. Montgomery

Oh Hey there are 11. Oh well. I don't think that they are very definitive persay, but they were the books I was reading when I was around 10? 11? 12? 13 is pushing it a bit. so I guessed they'd be suitable for mathilda.

Hahaha it's like this odd attachment for this book (insert dash here) reading little child that oddly enough, reminds me of ... me.

the smell of books is a very pleasing and cosy and comfortable and welcoming smell.

Reading has had such large part to play in me, strangely enough extending also to my love life. How so? Like Anne of Green Gables, it kinda (dash) sorta influenced my ideal guy, who would have to be (preferably),

1. a bookworm

2. physically active. not sexually, god.

3. charming and witty.

4. i forgot.

5. but that's all before it returns to normal girl fantasies.

and most of them actually make sense, but the 1. a bookworm criteria has not really been met by a lot of my previous loves. let's see ... 1. the guy who did not read. 2. okay fine, the guy who did read. 3. the guy who did not read 4. the guy who did not read 5. the guy who did not read. 6. the guy who reads manga.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. let's see now, ...................

why is it so hard to find guys who read? (notice i have been trying to type in caps but just recently failed. ohwell.) i don't get it. i always thought smart guys would read or something. like something ... inherent. and no, i meant read as in something other than textbooks, thankyouvmuch.

anyway, that's it. and yay with my progress with lit project .....

  ¶ 6:18 AM 0 Comments

  part of me is thinking "is this a good idea?" but in general i guess i'm just throwing it out of the window and writing this. because i really want to be who i am; to unleash this firestorm upon the world.

and i don't know; but this hasn't been around for a short period of time either.
it's something ... something present within me before. and it ... comes out especially strong sometimes. no, it's not an inner evil persona. it's well ... an attitude, or a general sense of thinking and feeling. especially feeling.

and it's like this: that sometimes i feel very terribly lonely at times. and he helps, god he helps so much, but he's also so very far away. and sometimes i can be so happy all of a sudden when i'm with friends, but after a while it fades back to black again.

i don't get it, and sometimes it scares me so much, the general sense of gloom and despair.

but that's about it.

yeah  ¶ 4:10 AM 0 Comments

  ohwell i wanted to post but have no time  ¶ 8:20 AM 0 Comments

  sometimes things just seem like they're going so, so wrong. people around me are falling apart, getting so unhappy, and things are just so mad in this crazy world.

and it's like, my life is so cyclic. it goes on and on and returns me to the same point

and i have to go now

bye  ¶ 3:35 AM 0 Comments

  EVIL LIT PROJECT: JOURNAL the title says it all. not that i'm complaining ... okay so i'm protesting against the awful lot of work there is to do. and especially so near to the EOYs? ahhhhhhh. makes you want to scream!

anyway, i hope this goes well.

> how did i get started in the selection of the novels?
I am thinking of looking through my old journals for inspiration on what I considered to be "nice books to read". Which will be indeed a list of definitive novels from the eyes of a kid, quite good for this project I hope, but limited to the scope of my reading when I was a kid. Still, I don't think it will be a great limit or handicap: there are 11 bookshelves in my house. ahhhh must focus. i really should ban myself from MSN.

still, here's something: oh emma, i hope you won't mind!


Elven Warrior - i watched the apples falling one by one says:
"night is everything in motion"
night is everything in motion says:
ah. it's a quote by dylan thomas.
night is everything in motion says:
can mean a lot of things i think.
night is everything in motion says:
but i read it and i liked it so yeah.
night is everything in motion says:
to me it means that when night comes everything is so alive. you know like people say that in the day things are alive and all, but i think in the night, the darkness so black it writhes and moves around you
night is everything in motion says:
it's just ... there was this period of time, i would just go to sleep so late, because i love it so late. the feeling, of the night and dark and mmmmmm
Elven Warrior - i watched the apples falling one by one says:
yeah i know
night is everything in motion says:
what does yours mean?
Elven Warrior - i watched the apples falling one by one says:
theres this certain...unreality about it

back on track, I also tried looking about our school library, and bishan library when I was coming home from 3rd lang (and i met li young! just so coincidentally weird. although i got a feeling he was trying to tell me that, hey i've totally forgotten nus high and am much better off at ri now. ohwell. just a vibe.) bishan library doesnt help much. our school library actually does! xD

so, up till now: nothing yet.

but i guess i shall ... think about it, look through my "library", and perhaps read more? maybe i guess.

so far, the definitive novels i have are:

the little prince
the secret life of bees
red sky in the morning? perhaps, i just remember looking through it and feeling ohsocomfortable, like thisauthorreallyunderstandme. yeah.
erm does P&P count? i love it.
like classics? ohwell. i think it would be very, very hard for a 12 or 13 year old to read a classic. for me, my attention span flails and flaps about limply after like 5 or 6 paragraphs? and i have to revisit it in multiple readings.
shanghai baby? no, not really, that thing is disturbing. i wonder why it's even in my library.
the bell jar. hmmm. i can't say i really understood it >< but it left a very deep impression.

> what was my criteria and how valid is my criteria?

my criteria would be:
hmmm how do you get something that is the most outstanding and important of its genre? first would be it's ... hahaha the CRUEL model? first of all would be its language and style, followed by it's ... it's essence? what it is about, the concept and how it would be good for the lil' kid. no sexually explicit or disturbing content. the author's purpose or intent. shall work on it later.

(it is hard doing literature sometimes! ohwell. a lot of times i actually just read for the pleasure of reading, not so much for the intellectual act. which is admittedly ... it's not wrong! because you can do things because they are pleasant and you like it? but .... hmm my brain draws a disturbing parallel/analogy, relating it to ... sex without love? AHHHHH LOL. (saw this Tshirt once that says: SEX WITHOUT LOVE IS JUST EXERCISE) okay. )

how valid? well, i'll look around first and tell you

> what form of research?

1. my diaries

2. school library

3. bishan library

4. does asking the previous batch count?

the rest is inapplicable.

shall attempt to do one book a week. mm hmm.

that's all for now.

ja! ~

  ¶ 7:51 AM 0 Comments

  and ooh i must say, P&P is nice! although i really do like the hollywood version. ohwell. so sue me. xD

here goes a lit journal. surprising backlog of it. but i'm about to start on my EVIL LIT PROJECT so i decided to clear it off.


1) Director of Bride and Prejudice: Gurinder Chadha:
The universal nature of Austen's stories allows them to be interpreted in any number of ways.
Ian Freer, associate editor of film magazine Empire:
"The fact that they [ Austen’s novels] also come with a set of social restrictions that can be translated into any environment - from a US high school in Clueless to an inter-racial romance in Bride And Prejudice - increases their appeal as they still feel contemporary and relevant."
Both the quotes above point to a universality in Austen’s stories that allow it to be re-interpreted and translated into other contexts. In your opinion, does the relocation of a classic [not exclusively Austen’s novel] in a modern context add on or diminish its appeal?
Firstly, in my opinion, I feel that the relocation of a classic will take away some of the meaning of the original classic, but it will also add to the meaning of the classic in other ways. You could say that it is analogous to learning science. It takes away the childish sense of awe, amazement and wonder you get when you see various phenomena happening around you, but you also gain a sense of accomplishment at actually understanding how it works. It is a trade off, in my opinion, and also a totally different view of everything in general. So back on the track that I am heading down on, what I mean is that the relocation of a classic will diminish the meaning of the original classic but add on meaning to the classic (though not necessarily, and most commonly not what the original author intended.) It is also a different way of looking at the novel, in a different context.
Moving on to answering the question, the classic has thus been changed by relocating it in a modern context. But does it add on or diminish its appeal? Firstly, let us set it that "appeal" means "easily liked by people"; noting that having "appeal" does not actually mean that it is actually good, and also considering it in a general scope
Let us examine this quote: Ian Freer, associate editor of film magazine Empire:"The fact that they [ Austen’s novels] also come with a set of social restrictions that can be translated into any environment - from a US high school in Clueless to an inter-racial romance in Bride And Prejudice - increases their appeal as they still feel contemporary and relevant."
Indeed, relocating a classic to a modern context will make the classic typically more easily accepted and relevant to the general public, who will also be able to relate to it more easily. After all, "it is a truth universally acknowledged, that" we all live in the present, and look to the future. (Unless one is a historian, then one might be more towards looking back into a past. But that is of little consequence.) Take for example, Austen’s Pride and Prejudice relocated in a modern context in Gurinder Chadha’s Bride and Prejudice. The film does address relevant issues to us today: arranged marriages still being prevalent in India, and even in our society in general in a more subtle manner of pressure by one’s parents, disparities between classes, manners, and gives us a glimpse (albeit rather dramatized) into the local culture. Such relocation of a novel in a modern day context also gives it a fresh take, a fresh outlook on an old classic. However, the essence of the classic more or less remains the same (albeit a bit changed): we could say that it is like a repackaging of the original, just one that is glitzier, attractive and … modern.
However, whether this new … hybrid of a novel is appealing to the general public depends on what is it that would best suit the interest. Be prepared, though, for a great deal of stereotyping. Personally, I feel that the relocation of a classic in a modern day context diminishes the appeal of the "classic" itself. That is because what I want in a classic that I view or read or experience, is something true and faithful to the original, and is what the author wants to convey in his or her original work. I do not particular relish being subjected to someone else’s interpretation of the classic, after it has been changed and morphed into something else different. The original may be set in the past and not the present modern day. But to the author he or she wrote it with his or her present conditions in mind, and the thing is that I want to get to know what was running through his or her mind at that time. Besides, have you not ever wondered about the past, and how the author lived? Personally, when I read a book there is some kind of a connection with the author. It is … like a window into the past, about how it was like, and I do want to make that connection.
Different people have different tastes and opinions, so I am certain (at the least, I hope, that I am not alone.) that there are people who think similarly to me. However, there is a wide spectrum of opinions and tastes in people, and so in this case we will consider only the opinions of the general public, the category that most people will fall under. Unfortunately, in my opinion, I think that the general public is likely to find the "classic in a modern context" more appealing, due to the reasons stated above. Not everyone is able to accept a classic very well, as it is true that they are set in a totally different time from the time that we are living in, on almost two different levels and it can be hard to communicate the essence of the classic. Evidence is also present in our society: Quite a few people’s first experience or contact with a classic can be through their adaptations in a modern context, even though they have been around for ages. Therefore, although I find a classic better just the way it is, I feel that the general public will find the modern classic more appealing.
2) "A good film adaptation is one that adheres faithfully to the original text." Do you agree with the statement? Explain your stand clearly.
"A good film adaptation is one that adheres faithfully to the original text." I agree with the statement, but I feel that a good film adaptation is more that just one that adheres faithfully to the original text. In other words, it is not a one to one function and "adhering faithfully to the original text" should not be the only criteria in judging whether a film adaptation is good.
First, let us consider the case in which a "film adaptation" does not adhere faithfully to the original text, interpreting "adhering faithfully to the original text" as being faithful to the original text in terms of the plot, setting, intention, theme and characters. A film adaptation is a film based on the novel, and it can be seen as an alternative presentation of the novel, just like "different packaging". Its name itself proclaims that to be the case. In this case, I feel that it is not a "film adaptation" at all, but rather a film that is inspired by the original text. As an admittedly rather crude and sweeping example, BBC’s Pride and Prejudice, and the Hollywood’s Keira Knightly’s Pride and Prejudice pass as film adaptations, but Bride and Prejudice is not a film adaptation but a film inspired by Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. And the director agrees with that stand too! In the scrolling ending titles, it says "Inspired by Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice". However, if we were to truly adhere faithfully to the original text of novels, it is true that film adaptations would become ridiculously long and would rather defeat their purpose. Hence, there is a certain range in which we will consider a film adaptation to adhere faithfully to the original text. In my opinion, I feel that the range should be that around 70 to 100% of the novel should be accurately presented in the novel.
However, there are other criteria required in judging whether a film adaptation is a good one. When one watches a film adaptation, one should be able to gain just about the same essence of the novel, such that the film adaptation has done the novel justice. While this also involves the 3rd journal question, the film adaptation should be able to be considered as just as good as the novel to be able to be considered as being a good film adaptation. Other criteria would be the ability of the actors to represent the characters of the book, the setting in the film giving the correct sense of what is depicted in the book, the sound and flow and dynamics of the film matching the mood and events in the book. Take for example, Hollywood’s Pride and Prejudice. While I have next to no qualifications to judge the film, I found the actor's performances engaging, the setting accurate and the sound and flow and dynamics matching the mood. Therefore, representing a novel as a film brings into consideration many other factors than just being faithful to the original text, given our definition of "being faithful". A good film adaptation is more than just one that adheres faithfully to the original text.
3) "There is a downside to dramatisation, however. Purists, and even fans, feel that the nuance and sly irony of Jane Austen’s prose is almost impossible to translate into any other medium. It has been said that "seeing a movie or television adaptation of any of Jane Austen’s works is like hearing a symphony played on a harmonica" (Nattcafé, Swedish television)."
"Film adaptations should only be seen as complementary to, rather than as a substitute for the act of reading itself." Comparing the two mediums (written and film) closely, examine their pros and cons.
Written:
Pros
Indeed, "the nuance and sly irony of Jane Austen’s prose is almost impossible to translate into any other medium". In translating writing into film, much is lost: the rhythm and nuance of the words, the mood and pace of the story that changes subtly throughout the story and which is expressed more often than not, in words.
In reading, the words themselves are read aloud in one’s head and one’s imagination begins to spin and give you a picture of the setting, characters and mood of the piece.
Reading rather than viewing it in film, teaches one how to read! And have a better grasp of language.
Being much longer and requiring more time to read, a book normally covers more material and discusses topics more in-depth than a film.
Cons
Writing, however, leaves much to one’s imagination, and there are many possible interpretations of the piece, as can be seen by how many interpretations have been spun from Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
More often than not, it is more time consuming to read the author’s writing than to view it in the film medium.

Film:
Pros:
The visual and auditory effects have now been brought into play, giving the audience a clear view of what happens in the story, rather than for them to just view it through their own hazy and fuzzy imaginations. The visual and auditory effects also add on to the appeal of the writing, giving the viewer a more intense and comprehensive experience.
More often than not, it is less time consuming to view the work rather than to view it.
The work presented is more straightforward, leaving less to one’s interpretation, as everything is presented on screen.
Cons:
If we are considering novels being adapted to film, the viewer is now being presented the filmmaker’s interpretation of the original piece, possibly not the original author’s intended message. Also, a lot of the original events in the story would have to be cut out in order to make the film reasonably short and not too long.
Indeed, even considering a generic novel there are many things that cannot be expressed in film. (As stated above) Sometimes, we may feel that words can simply be so inadequate to express a certain something, but other times, it is actually that maybe our way with words is not enough.
Both have their own pros and cons, but I think I prefer the written medium, because I like to read. There is something about reading that really engages the mind, involves one’s intellectual ability to comprehend the author’s message and process the words; rather than watching it all play out on screen.
Besides, books are just so romantic.  ¶ 7:49 AM 0 Comments

  this is my CR. i swear, this thing sucked the life out of me.


EN3101: The Novel – Critical Response 1
Kylie Goh Jin Ying, M07304
"Robinson Crusoe" is a bildungsroman, a novel of self-development. Based on a close examination of the 5 extracts given, discuss the process of development in Crusoe, stating clearly how his experiences take him on a path of self-discovery and maturity.
"Robinson Crusoe" is a bildungsroman, a novel of self-development. It charts the growth and journey to maturity of the novels main character, Robinson Crusoe, which takes place over a long period of time and begins with his estrangement from home and civilization. His growth is gradual and based on a close examination of 5 extracts from the novel, the process of development in Crusoe can indeed be seen. His development and growth to maturity is also largely propelled by his experiences, which shall also be discussed.
Terms to be defined in the question are development, self-discovery and emotional maturity. Development refers to any form of positive change that can be seen in Crusoe. On the other hand, self-discovery refers to Crusoe discovering things about himself that he did not know previously. Lastly, emotional maturity refers to his ability to react and cope in a positive manner with tragic events that happen to him and his ability to reflect and contemplate to learn from his mistakes, again a form of coping with events that happen to him.
In chronological order, starting from the Extract 3, we can see that Crusoe was young, immature, irresponsible and stubborn, which can be contributed to by his sheltered lifestyle. This can be seen from the 3rd paragraph where it is stated that "being the third son of the family and not bred to any trade, my head began to be filled very early with rambling thoughts". Not only that, Crusoe was also stubborn and unwilling to consider the commands of his father and the persuasion of his mother and friends. Although he was well educated by his father, Crusoe "would be satisfied with nothing but going to sea". He persisted strongly in this inclination, even though it led him strongly against "the will, nay, the commands of my father, and against all the entreaties and persuasions of my mother and other friends". It can be seen that Crusoe respected his father greatly, as Paragraph 4 states that "My father, a wise and grave man, gave me serious and excellent counsel against what he foresaw was my design." Crusoe also relied greatly on his father, and had he stayed he would have been guaranteed a comfortable life through the efforts and connections of his father. Indeed, at the beginning of his journey, he lived a rather sheltered life.
In the next extract, Extract 2, it is revealed that Robinson Crusoe did indeed heed the calling of the sea. What it reveals about him is that in the end he did rebel and go against the wishes of his family and friends, indeed stubbornly choosing to stick with his own desire to go to sea and forsaking the comfortable life he could have led. In the first extract, his father had counseled him against going out so sea with what Crusoe himself found serious and excellent words and arguments. His words can be roughly summarized as to stick to the middle station of life into which he had been born. It was in his opinion "the best state in the world, the most suited to human happiness, not exposed to the miseries and hardships, the labour and sufferings of the mechanic part of mankind, and not embarrassed with the pride, luxury, ambition, and envy of the upper part of mankind". In going against the commands of his father, Crusoe is portrayed to be someone who did not want to be in the middle station, living a simple but comfortable life. Instead, he was someone who was willing to be exposed to miseries, hardship and suffering in order to pursue his ambition to go out to sea and undertake quests of a nature out of the common road.
More importantly, it is in Extract 2 that tragedy and disaster befell Crusoe and he was stranded on the deserted island where he would spend the next "eight-and-twenty years, two months, and nineteen days". Crusoe was emotional after having taken such a drastic blow, but did not sink into despair. Instead, he said that "This forced tears to my eyes again; but as there was little relief in that, I resolved, if possible, to get on the ship". He was also very realistic, as the 4th paragraph tells us "It was in vain to sit still and wish for what was not to be had".
In the face of such misery, Crusoe showed that he was indeed very practical and knowledgeable in terms of survival skills, showing much change from the Crusoe that was introduced in Extract 3, which lived a rather sheltered life as the youngest son, and was very stubborn and immature. This can be seen in terms of how resourceful he was as he surveyed his position and resources, got to the ship, obtained provisions, and built a raft for himself. In the face of such misery, he did not give up but instead because of such extremity he was encouraged to go beyond his limits, which shows how he discovers in himself his tenacity and ability to survive despite the odds.
There is indeed much difference between the Crusoe of the 1st extract and the Crusoe of the 2nd extract, who has amazing emotional maturity, not despairing despite his bleak conditions, but instead self-motivating and throwing himself into work to be done. It might seem surprising that so much change has happened in seemingly so short a period of time, however it should be noted that Crusoe has left England for close to 7 years and has been on a "desperate expedition on the desert shores of Africa" before he was stranded on the island.
In the 3rd extract, Extract 5, Crusoe succumbed to a terrible illness and reflected upon his journey thus far. The illness left him in terrible pain and he showed a side of weakness and self-pity. However, that is not all that can be gathered from this extract, and this momentarily lapse in strength can be excused as he was after all – sick. Extract 5 reveals that he now believed in the existence of God as compared to the Crusoe of the past. When he feel sick, he "Prayed to God again". Crusoe confessed that in the past "I do not remember that I had, in all that time, one thought that so much as tended either to looking upwards towards God, or inwards towards a reflection upon my own ways" and he was "not having the least sense, either of the fear of God in danger, or of thankfulness to God in deliverance". Crusoe "was merely thoughtless of a God or a Providence, acted like a mere brute, from the principles of nature, and by the dictates of common sense only, and, indeed, hardly that". He did not believe that the miserable fate that befell him was a judgement of heaven or the hand of God against him. Whether believing in God reflects growth and development in Crusoe can be debated upon, however it is true that he gained from it emotional strength, maturity and character, and that he had changed his view of life. What caused him to believe and trust in God is speculated to be how he managed to survive in the extreme conditions he lived in, especially the remarkable fact that he survived the shipwreck.
He also revealed that when he got on shore to find himself the only survivor, he "was surprised with a kind of ecstasy, and some transports of soul, which, had the grace of God assisted, might have come up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it began, in a mere common flight of joy". At the start of his journey, he was not grateful at all for the good fortune that he enjoyed.
Also, while in the past Crusoe never thought of looking inward towards a reflection upon my own ways, in Extract 5 he was contemplative and reflected upon his actions thus far, which shows development and emotional maturity in itself. This can be considered to be brought upon by his experience of being stranded on the island with no one to talk to until Friday came along, leading him to spend more time contemplating. Through contemplation, he discovered more about himself that he would not have otherwise.
Next, in Extract 1, Crusoe confessed that "I was more vigilant that I used to be, looked out oftener, and did not go abroad so much". What it reveals about his character is that because of all the danger he has been through and has lived in, he was more cautious and aware of his vulnerability and the risks and consequences of his actions, compared to the stubborn and impetuous past Crusoe.
Once again, Crusoe contemplated, and concluded that it was his "original sin" of not being satisfied with his station and ignoring his father’s words that caused him to run into his miserable fate, and wishes that Providence had granted him a life of pleasure instead. He regretted his impetuous and foolish behaviour and learns from said mistake. He also recalled one night in which he "ran over the whole history of my life in miniature, or by abridgement, as I may call it, to my coming to this island, and also of that part of my life since I came to this island." Of particular notice is the phrase "This furnished my thoughts with many very profitable reflections", which shows that he indeed realizes the value of reflection. He also made many references to God and Nature and Providence, again showing his firm belief in God and Providence, which was also shown in the previous extract. It can be seen that he has grown in terms of his emotional maturity, and in his contemplation he discovers many things about himself such as his "original sin" and how he has grown and developed.
In contrast to the Crusoe of the 3rd extract, Extract 5, Crusoe has developed and become a more grateful person, grateful for good fortune that he has. This shows his emotional maturity, as well as the growth of his character from a person merely thoughtless of a God or a Providence and who acted like a mere brute, from the principles of nature, and by the dictates of common sense only. This is shown in the 4th paragraph, which states that "I would unjustly slander myself if I should say I was not sincerely thankful to my great Preserver, to whose singular protection I acknowledged, with great humanity, all these unknown deliverances were due, and without which I must inevitably have fallen into their merciless hands". This can be seen to be due to his experience on the island, in which life was hard and he was very vulnerable, which led him to be grateful for the little bit of good fortune he encountered.
In the final extract, Crusoe is finally able to leave the deserted island, upon which he has spent "eight-and-twenty years, two months, and nineteen days". He is very gracious towards the men, persuading the captain to take them on board and to bring along their chests and clothes, for which they were very thankful. Crusoe also encouraged them, "by telling them that if it lay in my power to send any vessel to take them in, I would not forget them." This showcases his maturity, and development from the foolish youth he was in the 1st extract. It can be considered to be a cause of his experience of hardship and suffering on the island that led him to be so gracious and understanding of the men.
Through his experience of being stranded on a deserted island, he is now also more grateful, reinforcing what has been shown in the 4th extract, Extract 1. This is shown from how he treated his benefactor and faithful steward. He made her very easy as to what she owed me, assured her that he would give no trouble, and in gratitude for her care and faithfulness relieved her as his little stock would afford, and later helped her when he was able to.
In conclusion, it can be seen from the extracts that Robinson Crusoe has indeed changed from the foolish youth that was presented in the 1st extract, into the mature, contemplative and gracious adult that leaves the island close to twenty-eight years later. Undoubtedly, his experiences have played a large part in this immense change. Truly an excellent bildungsroman, "Robinson Crusoe" allows readers to track and follow the main character’s gradual growth as he struggles and stumbles through life.  ¶ 7:45 AM 0 Comments

  lit journal the grades that i got for my previous Lit Journals were ... an appalling C plus. for both of them. which in itself is just horrible.

so i'm supposed to stay focused. stay focused, kylie! oh and i need to caps my letters. hahaha.

the next journal entry is due next week i believe, on bride and prejudice and pride and prejudice. just that i'm waiting for the handout to be uploaded xD

which in itself is a perfectly good reason to delay it, but since i'm nice, i shall start with a bit of it.

bride and prejudice, i like to think of the movie as a seperate entity from the book, because it really is a large deviation from it, so much that it cannot be considered as, you know, a "film adaptation". but "inspired by it" is good.

having read the book a long time back and watched the movie, i admit that it is indeed more easier to understand the film. and even with all the glam and musicalesque stuff it is indeed quite ... pleasant. the parallels between bride and prejudice and austen's pride and prejudice, are rather surprising though, the same notion of "dowry", marrying daughters off to the highest bidder, (like OMG roxanne is taking over my mind) embarassing family, haughty wealthy mr darcy, brilliant witty lizzy ... mmmmmmmyeah. although i always have this conception that mr collins is a short, well ... hobbit. i'm sorry! it's just the product of watching the hollywood version of p&p and a latenight sleepover mmmmmmmyeah funnnnn.

note that that is not my journal, just well you know ... my first thoughts. the lit journal will come later.

oh but the songs are rather catchy you know, like take me to love ..........

and the scene on the beach is so pretty, and so is the one with all the water jets going up up up and down it's just so pretty.  ¶ 6:32 AM 1 Comments

  madeleine l'engle died. i don't feel like doing work at all.

and it's weird, mourning the death of someone whom you knew only through books and yeah, books. and i have no idea why it has such a great impact on me but it does but i never really knew her and it's like the death just seems so overwhelming.

it's just unexplainable, unexpected, horrible.  ¶ 7:10 AM 0 Comments

  i found this in my files somewhere so here you go


Top of Form 1
hey

heyy.

the weird thing is that i slept so much today, just caught in that tired cocoon of fatigue and aching joints and heavy eyelids. and it's cool, it'll in the late afternoon and i just woke up, so you get that warm golden stream of light and warmth and i must say, i love that kind of sun. that kind of warm that seeps into your bones, and makes you wanna smile. makes me think that happiness, and satisfaction, and content, is golden in color.

well, that's a nice theme ... let's continue racing down this track.

shiyang wonders if ... hey that's a nice start. like _____ wonders if she ever loved him. or something even more screwed up like that.

shiyang wonders if writers mean every bit of the connotations and meanings that they put in. i think some of it can be just really a quick decision, not one that had been pondored much. but yet, when i write, i can really feel that choice, that freedom of choice that allows you to do so much with writing. and even though i learnt that words can't cover everything, i'm still writing, still filling the silences and empty space with words and dance sprawling across the blank canvas.

you can hurt, i learnt that last year. although i think i'm over that now. i hope so. and you can perform emergency stress-relief, keeping yourself from going over the edge. but i guess, the most of all, it's to create something, something that helps
Bottom of Form 1

on a sidenote i am now back from malaysia, kelantan. i have almost given up trying to put a tagboard in here because it's just so troublesome. a little help please?

i am glad because i've finished all my holiday homework. (well except for the chinese project that is due in Week 2)

hurm. not much that i can say given the current conditions.

totally wasted after doing up the CR

i have short hair now.

bye.  ¶ 3:01 AM 0 Comments

  short filler that is fast becoming a habit:

buy our cookies/brownies/popcorn/candy floss/jelly on monday, tuesday, and wednesday!
to play a part in our fundraising efforts for our Gamelan CCA SL Project. our beneficiary is the jamiyah home, an orphanage. proceeds will go towards organising a fun-filled day of games and activities for the orphans. shows that it's not just a bake sale, it's also interacting with the kids and letting them have a fun time.

and now, the part that is becoming a major, major process-stopper in my brain:

COUNCIL ELECTIONS CAMPAIGNING.

*all mind processes simultaneously pause, my brain hangs. somewhere, someone reaches for the reboot button. after a bit of cheek-slapping and blinking my brain successfully restarts. hanging in there, kylie begins to think*

(i'm using this blog of mine as a drafting-board of ideas and concepts on how to campaign)

surprisingly and rather unexpectedly, i got through the interview and am now in the final stage of council elections - campaigning and canvassing for votes. (i wonder how i got in. but, as someone told me an interview is a measure of your intent and motives, so if they're okay, then the interview'll be okay. so i'm okay!) previous people who ran for votes used the term "selling myself", and well, i ... shall not comment. but i will say that in campaigning i just ... want to earn the trust of the school's population.

in short, earning people's trust. or maybe there's a better term. on hold for a while, until i can think of something better.

i'm typing this on the 19th of september, 6.55. i'm only supposed to start canvassing for votes at like ... 5 hours and 5 minutes later. so i guess i won't be publishing this until said time and day. hurm. how strange. persuading people to vote for you takes place all the time, in your interactions and every action that is in "public" or in the full view of the school population. isn't it? like, influencing what other people think of you.

and so, for me, what i think council might mean is becoming more aware of my actions and its effects. but, i don't think it will in ANY way restrict my free-spiritedness, crazy-enthusiasm, and spontaneity. so ... kylie is kylie.

kylie is kylie.

kylie is kylie!

like omgsuddenlightbulbmomentcomparabletostuart'sbasketballshootingskillchangingguytoiletlight
flickeringon moment. i'm me, so i'm essentially being myself. i'm true to myself because i realize my emotional strength (though not stability in all cases. but the ability to keep going, self-motivate, and realize that LIFE IS A WONDERFUL THING. ENJOY IT). so even if council changes me, i have every reason to believe that it's a change for the better. in one aspect, council is a responsibility, a position , to me. not just that, a learning experience. so, by running for council i want to ... to change myself for the better. i'm not saying that i'm unworthy of everything, but i'm saying that i want to be a better person, step up and really throw myself out there into that swirling vortex of chaos and uncertainty and awesomeness and just-unpredictable-future-possibility-horizon kinda energyconceptdrive.

my campaign "poster"! yay! (more like a block of words. hahaha!)

Hey. I’m Kylie. I’m running for Student Council. It’s hard to establish that connection through a piece of paper and a couple of words, but I will try. And when I say that I will Try, I mean "strain and struggle to break one’s limits to achieve said ambition ". Just like how when I say Crazy!, it’s a compliment, meaning out-in-the-open-fun-and-funky-and-not-being-afraid-to-be-yourself. Or when I say Whee, it’s just such an awesome combination of so many feelings but in general a sense of Oh-Man-I’m-glad-I’m-alive-and-talking-to-you. I’m a Year 3 student currently in M07304, Nobel House, and Gamelan CCA. Underneath it all (Because people are so much more than just names and titles. Hope to let you know me better throughout this campaigning period!), I self-motivate based on the idea of anchors that anchor me to relative-emotional-health amidst all of this craziness. Basically, my anchors are the people I love, and the future I hope to build with them. I live for the people I love, the future, life itself, and the small things that delight me. Like smiles. And Orchids. I love ice-cream. I have a fetish about ankles. I want to join the Student Council to become a better person. To me, council is not just a pointy sharp badge but a responsibility, and more that that – a learning experience. I want to throw myself into all that chaos and uncertainty and unpredictable-future-possibility-horizon kinda energy. And I want to make the difference. Sounds odd, but I actually want to spend my time planning events slogging it out doing anything useful. Something I really want to organize is this Try-Out-Someone-Else’s-CCA-Day where we could just … try something new for a change.
kylie hopes that you can vote for her to become part of the Student Council.

like OMG 23 minutes until midnight. minutes till midnight. hahaha!

waits until 12 and does hw.

12.15 a.m

hahahahahahahaha.

unbelievable.

goood night!  ¶ 3:39 AM 1 Comments

  lit journal 2 final sorry for the non-spacing, guys.

EN3101: The Novel - Journal Entry 2: Reflection of Literature DiscussionKylie Goh Jin Ying, M07304 Original Version: http://coronahaine.blogspot.com

What Happened

The topic for the discussion, which me and Rashidah headed (sounds wrong, that) was "The changes in the choice of subject matter, narrative technique and style in the novel are but a reflection of social changes. Examine the validity of this claim." First, we started with the most basic thing when it comes to tackling a question: "Define your terms." The terms identified for defining are highlighted in the question stated above. And so, our definitions (I guess it is useful to define things. if not everything is all-over-the-place, and really with different perspectives the contradiction is infinite. still, some things are just un-definable. you can't put words to it fully, really. it feels weird to degrade the power of language, but I like to think that some things are just outside the encompassment of a man-made thing, just out there wild and free.) are as follows:

choice: a deliberate, conscious decision
subject matter: theme, authorial intention (plot was X-ed off, as we likened it to being a result of the theme and authorial intention; not something important, but just a product or by-product of what we wanted to define subject matter as. )
Narrative technique: chronology and POV (POV as in 1st 2nd 3rd. [See even words can have so many meanings and be confused. but I’m just contradicting myself. on with it.])
Style: language (we decided to further branch out on language, going into language being literary devices such as alliteration assonance imagery personification ... [luckily we did not delve into all of it because there's just too much of it. my fingers would have broken off and died], as well as being how a particular point is brought out.)
But: only (we debated over this point for ages, since there was this point-of-view that but should be taken to mean "directly causes", as "everything" can be linked to social change. I don't believe that everything can be linked to social change, and I think that even if a social change causes another change that eventually results in changes in subject matter, narrative technique and style, it still has had an effect on the above. So, I disagree with the "but" taken to mean "directly causes", because that would be excluding many other relations between social changes and the 3 criterion.)Social changes: political social and economic changes.

Next, we decided not to redefine the question because it attempts to make things simpler but with so many different redefinitions it just makes it even messier. (Reminds me of the diagnostic. " To beautify it is to take away its character of complexity - it is to destroy it." ohkay. So nothing about simplifying it. But still, less complexity is really less fun)

and so we proceeded on to tackling the question. (I felt that we spent so much time defining the terms though. I guess it was because there were so many of us.) We fell head-first into it, and paused to define our stand as largely disagreeing through a majority vote, even. We floundered over how to argue the point for a long long time, so when given 2 options: the complicated way (to really get down and dirty into everything and reason it out) and the simple way (to provide a counter-example). We chose the simple way. XDAnd so the simple way was to present a counter example. We more-or-less came to the conclusion that yes, subject matter is largely influenced by social changes - for example, war might cause the author to write about war and such. However, the other two points namely narrative technique and subject matter, are not caused only by social changes. (We realized rather belatedly that we were only discussing changes in subject matter and not changes in style and narrative technique.) Returning to the former example on war as a social change, a war in progress may cause the author to adopt a rather realist/pessimistic point-of-view which may affect his/her choice of style and narrative technique. (Where everything about is death and dying that you cannot get rid of no matter how much you try, … I would imagine it is hard not to become like that. But, I can’t really imagine a lot of people writing novels in wartime either. Oh well. ) However, there are also several influencing factors other then social changes, such as autobiographical elements. For example, our style and narrative technique may be influenced by the choice of subject matter in the first place, and also, the writer would most probably be influenced more by the literature that he reads as well as the type of life he has had. (I write! I think I can testify based on that!) For another example, our style and narrative technique may be influenced by the choice of subject matter in the first place, as different subject matters require different ways of presentation. Also, writers are often largely influenced by what they read, and this is a very important factor in deciding the writer's style and choice of narrative technique. Therefore, there is no clear relation. We concluded that although subject matter is largely influenced by social changes, style and narrative technique fall under the control of other factors. Hence, it is folly to lump social changes, style and narrative technique together and state that they are but a reflection of social changes.

Reflections
And so, we reached the conclusion that subject matter is largely influenced by social changes, but style and narrative technique are not. As a community, that was our decision, reached by probably a majority rather than a consensus. My own opinion is similar to that school of thought as well, but that all 3 are influenced to only a small extent, but influenced to varying extents (subject matter being influenced the most, and with style and narrative technique influenced to a smaller extent). Naively, I like to think that a writer’s choices and decisions are independent of social changes, but I will admit that that it in itself is very impossible. Writers write about a large range of things, but it is true that they write mostly about what sets them thinking in the present. Still, if social changes were to influence an author’s decisions completely, then what a sad fate it is of an author! To just be the … the pen of an all-powerful, invisible hand! To be nothing but a machine for scripts with commands programmed into you! Luckily it is not so. (If not I wouldn’t write at all! Nah, just kidding.)

And strangely enough, it reminds me of the philosophy forum that we had. (Gratz to the best-enquirer-winners!) Like, does the writer have any amount of free will when writing? Any ability to decide and control and influence what he writes? Similarly, can a walker choose his/her path, or is the decision made merely by the conditions of the environment that he/she is in? To me, it’s an uncanny resemblance. It’s odd, because the decision we reached was that the walker chooses the path as much as the path chooses the walker. However, in the other discussion we decided that social changes do not influence the 3 factors much. Although it is not a very good analogy, this is what strikes me the most out of what happened in Literature class. All in all, I’m glad that a writer has the ability to make conscious choices regarding his or her work.  ¶ 6:27 AM 0 Comments

  hurm. had council elections interview.

what can i say? i told the truth, so if i'm deemed unfit i'll know that the problem lies with me.

so.

hurm. will await the results.

can't believe i havent finished lit journal.

love today! hahaha. random spaz.  ¶ 8:39 AM 0 Comments

  lit journal 2 mindless (or not so mindless) banter before a literature journal entry: we had twentyfour from friday 6pm to saturday 6pm, in which abi ashsiddique (sorry but i really don't know how else to spell your name) darryl dominic dylan ganshun janelle vishnu yuting and me produced two films, we were in two groups see. was fun, although we slept only about 3-4 hours. and i kept getting hystericals spazs of laughter. well, i've really got to explain that i get those because things are funny, and because i like to laugh. i really really like to laugh. if i wanted to stop i could, but evidently i don't want to stop. so whee. we survived on snacks, macdonalds breakfast, hawker centre food and hostel chicken rice. and yeah. fun. although very tiring. and i fell sick after it. am sick now. but i danced/slept it off so am better now.

and weirdly, the first thing my parents asked was how we slept. i.e., did the guys and girls sleep in seperate rooms. when i said no, (since we were just so tired), he went off ranting about babies. eesh.

oh yeah. i forgot to mention that after we were done filming and started heading off for bed, i went off and ran. yes, very loud. but yeah ran one round. and lay on the track, arms spreading out like a line. and it's just nice.

so here it is: my literature journal. (i must explain that i'm writing it here because it's convenient. my thumbdrive is non-existent, and so blogging it makes sure i can access my literature journal entries from anywhere with internet.) (hmm but i think i pretty much like this draft-version of a literature journal. i'll submit both copies? or at least provide a link to this site, yeah that would be good.)

EN3101: The Novel

Journal Entry 2: Reflection of Literature Discussion

The topic for the discussion, which me and Rashidah headed (sounds wrong, that) was "The changes in the choice of subject matter, narrative technique and style in the novel are but a reflection of social changes. Examine the validity of this claim." First, we started with the most basic thing when it comes to tackling a question: "Define your terms." The terms identified for defining are highlighted in the question stated above. (oh god now i am really loving using blogger to blog this out. loving it!)

And so, our definitions (i guess it is useful to define things. if not everything is all-over-the-place, and really with different perspectives the contradiction is infinite. still, some things are just undefinable. you can't put words to it fully, really. it feels weird to degrade the power of language, but i like to think that some things are just outside the encompassement of a man-made thing, just out there wild and free.) are as follows:

choice: a deliberate, conscious decision
subject matter: theme, authorial intention (plot was X-ed off)
narrative technique: chronology and POV (POV as in 1st 2nd 3rd. [see even words can have so many meanings and be confused. but i'm just contradicting myself. on with it.])
style: language (we decided to further branch out on language, going into language being literary devices such as alliteration assonance imagery personification ... [luckily we did not delve into all of it because there's just too much of it. my fingers would have broken off and died], as well as being how a particular point is brought out.)
but: only (we debated over this point for ages, since there was this point-of-view that but should be taken to mean "directly causes", as "everything" can be linked to social change. However, I don't believe that everything can be linked to social change, and that if a social change causes another change that eventually results in changes in subject matter, narrative technique and style, )
social changes: political social and economic changes.

next, we decided not to redefine the question because it attempts to make things simpler but with so many different redefinitions it just makes it even more messier. (reminds me of the diagnostic. " to beautify it is to take away its character of complexity - it is to destroy it." ohkay. so nothing about simplifying it. but still, less complexity is really less fun)

and so we proceded on to tackling the question. (i felt that we spent so much time defining the terms though. i guess it was because there were so many of us.) we fell head-first into it, and paused to define our stand as largely diagreeing through a majority vote, even. we floundered over how to argue the point for a long long time, so when given 2 options: the complicated way (to really get down and dirty into everything and reason it out) and the simple way (to provide a counter-example). we chose the simple way. xD

(paused until the next day. it is now 10.55.)

(back the next day for more literature! it is now 11.21. i will sleep at 12! just a note, it is so nice typing this journal entry out now because there's this nice-song-which-i-just-found playing in the background.)

And so the simple way was to present a counter example. We more-or-less came to the conclusion that yes, subject matter is largely influenced by social changes - for example, war might cause the author to write about war and such. However, the other two points namely narrative technique and subject matter, are not caused only by social changes. (We realized rather belatedly that we were only discussing changes in subject matter and not changes in style and narrative technique.) Returning to the former example on war as a social change, a war in progress may cause the author to adopt a rather realist/pessimistic point-of-view which may affect his/her choice of style and narrative technique. However, there are also several influencing factors other then social changes, such as autobiographical elements. For example, our style and narrative technique may be influenced by the choice of subject matter in the first place, and also the

(oh man. it's 11.43. bedtime. will continue another time)

(i'm back now to hopefully finish this literature journal once and for all. 2.59!)

For example, our style and narrative technique may be influenced by the choice of subject matter in the first place, as different subject matters require different ways of presentation. Also, writers are often largely influenced by what they read, and this is a very important factor in deciding the writer's style and choice of narrative technique. Therefore, there is no clear relation.

Therefore, we conclude that although subject matter is largely influenced by social changes, style and narrative technique fall under the control of other factors. Hence, it is folly to lump social changes, style and narrative technique together and state that they are but a reflection of social changes.

(yay! done!)  ¶ 7:10 AM 0 Comments

  irritable i have been severely irritable today. i have a bit of an idea why, but honestly i should not be feeling this bad, because good things have happened today too. all in all, i guess it's the weather. yep, let's blame the weather. and the lack of sunshine. i have gathered that i am probably like this plant-organism thing. i need the sun!

anyway, so irritable because of
1. class play. the atmosphere in the class due to that thing is painful. are you like that too? do you sense how other people feel, and in a way get infected with their mood and join them? you know you know?

2. people. i have no idea why i dislike them. it's irrational of me. i am irrational. but i still dislike them. flinch and frown and nitpick at their moves and every action. and i hate myself for doing so, but i also hate them for ... i don't know ... being them? it's irrational and uncivilised. but well hype says it's okay for me not to be able to accept them because they're different. hn. still. maybe it's some faint nigging of jealousy? nah. i'm ____ enough. nope, joking. maybe it's that feeling. jealousy, threatened? it's an odd feeling, but somehow i don't believe it's that irrational either. although they haven't done anything wrong against me exactly, but their ways and if-i-may-say-so,-blatant-flirting-and-sluttiness and stubborn-my-way-is-right-attitude and clinical-superior-elitist-stick-to-my-"superior"-click-mindset just gets at me a lot. a lot. so. now that that's off my chest i definitely feel better.

but rawr i'm so going to regret this later on.

and i still feel bad because of my irritability i've been snapping at people around me who honestly haven't been doing much wrong to me. except for being pretty persistent and having screwy wrong horrible atrocious timing. horrible timing. but asides from that, they didn't deserve it much either. so. bad. rawr.

but i'm just so damn frustrated. and it doesn't help that my ankle is weak from cheer yesterday. but hey on the bright side i can now do elevator properly. whoo! and talking with hype on sugar high is fun. but yeah he should save it for other stuff. *winkwink*

whee. argh moodswing crazy. but still a general sense of gloom. damn.

and this is bad. badbadbad. because it's not emo, but it's not happy either. it's just irritated. blah.

that's ...

just screwed. up.

off for music therapy now ...

ja!~  ¶ 6:19 AM 0 Comments

  whee lit post! this reminds me of the times when we had to do a literature journal, a journal as in a blog or book. personally i prefer the book, but blogging is good too. what you read is possibly the closest thing to what i think about a certain topic, so what you get is the real deal. personally i like to think that i write what i think, or think what i write, with suitable censorship though, (unfortunately).


and so, here it goes. enjoy.


EN3101: The Novel


Journal Entry 1: Reflections on a genre debate



Basically, we had our genre debate on thursday, for which we prepared for over the period of one week. My team consisted of Jie Hong, Jenson, Leon, Samuel and myself, and our stand was that poetry is superior to the other genres. However, the point of the debate was somehow a little little bit lost along the way, as the 1st speaker from the Drama team did not define what they considered to be the best genre.

- What do I think of the points made by my peers?


points made in normal font, my thoughts in (brackets)


At the end of the lesson, what i consider to be the main points for and against the various genres are as follows:

Drama:

Is: Enactment of a script possibly based on poetry and prose that requires also a cast, props and setting to bring it to life. It may have many forms, such as that of a monologue or dialogue. (Exactly how are props related to literature, I wonder. Definitely a work of love, though. And so Drama would not be able to exist if not for the other two genres? "it's a fragile dependance", maybe)

For - Visual Aspect of Communication: It is able to convey the message of the piece more effectively as viewers can see the storyline unfold with their very eyes, such that even "laymen" can understand what is going on, if not the hidden messages and innuendoes behind the piece. Hence, it adds another dimension to the viewer's appreciation of the play. (Acting is a really beautiful art, I think. Even so, knowing without understanding is quite a sad thing!)

Against - No definite standard: Each play is different based on the director's and actor's varying opinions and interpretation of the script. There is also a lot of room for misinterpretation. As a result, the quality of a play would also be influenced by the varying opinions of a director and the actors. (Okay. So according to Cedric, the world of theatre does not work like that. If an actor does not follow the director's artistic direction, he is thrown out of the theatre and onto the cold street. And that as long as the artistic direction is similar, that would be enough. "there are many paths ot the same shrine" Still, there are many different interpretations of a certain play that might not be similar to the playright's original intention. But as the Drama team pointed out, there are many ways to view literature. Who are we to say that one person's interpretation of something is "wrong" or "right"?)


Poetry:

Is: A form of writing that takes into consideration the verbal effect of an oratorical performance.

For - Form and Rhythm: Poetry has form and rhythms [although free verse is still poetry] which add another dimension to a piece. When you read poetry and hear it running around in your head, the effect is much more intense as it is crafted

Maximum Use of Language: Poetry is usually shorter than prose or a play, hence tends to use language to it's limits, employing many literary devices in order to convey a message. Therefore, the writer is challenged to his or her limits, and his or her work ends up as being very dense in terms of ideas. (See Against for thoughts)

Random stuff: Do you know that there's no such thing as love-drama, or love-prose, but that love poetry is one of the most widespread form of literature? You know like people court with love poetry and not drama or prose?



Against - Inflexible: In order to adhere to a fixed form and pattern, a writer may have to sacrifice someof his original intention or meaning. (There's such a thing as free verse, isn't there? And acrostic and visual poems that are for the most part very free and loose in terms of form and structure. Even so, I would think that having a fixed form and pattern provides a kind of compensation. Although you lose some meaning, you gain impact when presenting orally or when a reader reads it in his/her head. So it's like life and it's like science. Like life in a way that although you have boundaries, you still have a lot of freedom within it. [from madeleine l'engle's A Wrinkle in Time (AWIT)] And it's like science because although you lose the childish wonder and amazement at seeing phenomena occur and believing that it is "magic", you have compensation in the knowledge of how intricate our world is, of amazement of the complexity of how the phenomena works exactly.)

Hard to translate: A lot of meaning is lost while translating due to the maximum use of language. (However, after reading Pablo Neruda's translated poems, I still feel that translation is like literature, having to do with interpretation and meanings. So it can be a form or art on it's own too!)

Not easily understood: As information is embedded so deeply and intricately within the piece, not everyone is able to understand it. (However, they can still appreciate it as it takes into consideration the effect it has while performing. But yes, as mentioned above, knowing without understanding is a sad thing! But you know, having to work for something so hard gives you that nice spark of satisfaction when you finally understand it, and let's you appreciate said sentiment/concept more deeply)

Prose

Is: Words strung together in the form of sentences and paragraphs

For: Very widespread, easily obtained.

Easily comprehended, with a flexible structure (or rather, no real structure)

Character and plot development is the most obvious in this genre than the others,

Against: Monotonous Structure of passages and passages, Very Very Lengthy

- What is my conclusion about the effects of the various genres after this debate?

Like in Thermodynamics, Physics, it is physically impossible to build an isolated system. Likewise, it is impossible to completely seperate and filter off each genre from each other. Drama is largely based on works of prose and poetry, and prose and poetry are also very much related to each other. (Some people even call poetry prose that is chopped up into bits. J.R.R Tolkien's gigantomously lengthy novel also consists of many songs and poems). And so, the different genres have different effects that contribute and come together to form one big beautiful thing.

Drama - Is a 4D representation of the concepts/sentiments of the piece, one that people can see with their eyes, letting them visualize and understand more clearly what is happening. Different interpretations are possible, and the artistic direction of the director and the cast plays a huge role in determining the fun or flop if a play

Poetry - Is a bunch of words with form and structure that takes into consideration the effect of performing the piece orally. The whole work is largely condensed, and employs extensive use of devices to do so.

Prose - Is a bunch of words with no structure, just paragraphs and paragraphs. It concentrates largely on character and plot development.

- Have my views changed in anyway? If so, why?

Strangely enough, yes, my views have changed. But in a very unorthodox way. Before the debate, I much preferred drama and prose over poetry, but after researching and arguing passionately for poetry, I have also begun to appreciate poetry more. There is a kind of sweet loneliness about it. Like imagine a poet, (dressed in black?) leaning against a wall/pillar holding a book open with one hand reading. Nice image, yes? But on a more serious note, my views were changed in this way as I realized the ... the amount of work that needs to go into writing a poem, polishing it to make sure the rhythm and rhyme makes sense, that the effect is there. Honestly, I believe that poetry is the most complex genre to write and read and understand, and I don't really mind, honestly. It is a kind of challenge and a sort of sweet secret that only the worthy can behold.  ¶ 7:59 AM 0 Comments

  Quelqu'Un M'A Dit
by Carla Bruni
album: Quelqu'Un M'A Dit (2002)
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fânent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins
Il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Refrain
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Paraît qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Refrain

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fânent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

Refrain



the french exchange students performed this piece for us. and so, it was very nice. i swear, even better than how the singer sings it but then again i guess that's just me.

you can view it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMUedRUJ_HA

i don't fully understand but it's nice so while i try to figure it out, here you go.  ¶ 8:33 AM 0 Comments

  this is a rather famous song from a rather popular iconic movie, called "say anything". and it's used in this very popular movie scene, in which the guy apologizes to the girl holding up a boom box over his head playing this song. it's very romantic. sorry for the blank-monotonous-kinda-stuff. but is pretty dull now.

Lyrics for: In Your Eyes, by Peter Gabriel

love, I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,the heat
I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

beauitiful song. and yep that's possibly a very romantic idea. now if only i could watch the movie. it'd become my favourite movie scene. XD  ¶ 3:39 AM 0 Comments

  and now i'm sad again.

not that strong a case. but still.

firstly because i find myself longing for a brain twin, someone to really feel very much right; someone to cheer me up when i'm sad; yeah sorta like a shoulder to rest on. do you ever long for ... well yeah i'm longing for my other-one. and maybe with a teeny weeny bit of longing for that guy

like ... like i read about how close some people are; and i'm really really envious. because ... don't get me wrong i love the friends i have near me but i just find myself having less time to spend with them, having to spend more time on academics and all.

and it's really ... it really stinks because i'm caught between developing personal relationship and academia ... and you know how much it means to me. both. and ... and oh hell timetable is fucked up. but then i can't make that many excuses either because either way i can make time. but ... well not anyone can live in hostel. ahhhhhh cancy how you live now is pretty ... good.

but yeah it's sad because people are drifting apart and i'm feeling ... far from good. and how my dayed probably days someone. argh. and how i heard that a beloved teacher is probably leaving us. and ... like it's htis balance between academic and friends and ... hell what can i do.

it stinks.

just stinks. and how i feel sad because i havent been able to be there for a lot of people that i want to be there for and ... why don't i ever stumble upon it ... and.



blah.

the stars are out there but they seem to be mocking me now, as they leave me behind and i realize that their really light years away. so far away.

arghh.

depressedness. does not feel like studying at all.

so not funkaye.

just ... depressed.

and i want a guy friend. a nice one to lean on when i feel upset and not feel weird about the contact. you know, those kind of people.

i dreamt i was falling through the sky.

a song for the broken hearted.

oh god. irisirisirisirisirisiris. stupid inconsiderate idiotic intelligent good-looking bastard. but ... how do you keep liking and how do you stop liking hwen you know your herat's probably going to get broken. because i doubt it's The One. you know?

i'm blabbering now because now all i have are just confused, angry, frustrated, sad thoughts. although the song playing now is nice. i just wna live ... it's my life yeah by bon jovi i believe.

hmm. how do i talk about this to people, because i'd be talking to my friends about how i feel i'm drifting away from them. and rawr, some people have a lot of time you know. sometimes i juts feel that i don't have enough time. like 3rd lang dance. is like a total of 2+2+1+1.5 = 6.5 extra hours not including transport time.

and wow this is such a philosophical and deep post. so deep. hah.

just a sense of ... okay this is pointless i'm just siphoning anythin that i think of and writing it here os i doubt it's going anywhere because my thoughts are in a jumble i'm juts going to sleep it off.

night.

  ¶ 6:58 AM 0 Comments

  book reccomendation (jan does this pretty much a lot of the time on her blog but admittedly this is one of the few times i'm doing this): m or f?

it's pretty nice, but if you are homophobic or something then admittedly this is not the book for you.

what i love about it is it's writing style - it's very simple, and it's very easy reading. and it's very very ... those kind of teen novels but not the mindless kinds. it's very nice. i'd like to master the art of writing like that. it admittedly may not be very practical, but i like it. it looks nice.

i've gotta go now ... but yeah it's a good book. makes you think about internet relations and how you might not know who is on the other side. and about romance, it doesn't have to be all ... full blown romantic, just love in the everyday day to day stuff of life. it's good.  ¶ 4:30 AM 0 Comments

  i was sad today due to a couple of reasons.

but after a couple of phone calls and smses, i'm ... okay. so i realized that ... yeah i'm not as much of an island as i thought i was. and that i still need connections. and honestly, i still really want those connections.

just that, walking back with dom and doro i thought about the night sky and the "going home late alone" thing and the connections i have. and wham. sadness.

but yeah ... now it's fine.

so ... i was originally planning to write a lot a lot of stuff. but now, i'm okay with just this. blah. bye. night.  ¶ 8:21 AM 0 Comments

  Artist: Haley James Scott Lyrics
Song: Halo

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong,
I don't belong there.

Chorus:
One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here,
you wouldn't say so you wouldn't say so,
if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human,
and that’s my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am,
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

Chorus:
One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here,
you wouldn't say so you wouldn't say so,
if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Why you think that you know me
But In your eyes I am something above you
It’s only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a I wear a I wear a
Halo

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here,
you wouldn't say so you wouldn't say so,
if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you
Haaaa ha-ha halo (x9)


nice song. doesn't mean much to me personally as in no connections i think. but nice.  ¶ 6:16 AM 0 Comments

  feelings while reading HXH fanfiction, i discovered that ... or more like recollected that ... for each of my previous dayeds, there'd always been a characteristic feeling about it. for each one.

like E would be a mixture of feeling shy safe and well a bit alien.
and Z would be a mixture of about ... not sure a bit of more confidence, playful.
and ocean ... i can't say much about it it's more like just appreciation
and iris? can''t say. but a sense of sadness shyness happiness.

haha. something like that. what can i say really?

just that, i won't be the one to make the first move, just so you know.  ¶ 8:19 PM 0 Comments

  656 quotes here:

"Heard melodies are sweet,
but those unheard
are sweeter"
Keats
"Ode on a Grecian Urn"


"question: Define: island
answer: An island is
an absence of water surrounded
by water: An absence of love surrounded by
love..."

from Dulce Maria Loynaz, "Geography."

"that even a heart of the most breakable kind can learn to love, to lose, and to love again"

  ¶ 9:21 PM 0 Comments

  i think about this book i read, it's called "how i live now". it's beautiful, i think. really beautiful. of children surviving the horrors of war, and of love and care and relinquishing everything else to return back to something so dear, so close-to-one's-heart. somehow, i really think it's one of the most bittersweet stories of love. sad. but beautiful. the sacrifices, of surviving.

and i think about love in this day. our modern society, this age. i think of people walking on the streets, aloof and unconcerned but hiding some part of themselves inside - because who would be foolish enough to show that side. and of late nights at someone's appartment and a cup of coffee, or maybe tea - "i don't take coffee"; of the usual-cliched stuff that happens. and somehow with that kind of certain loneliness about themselves. loneliness just about breaks me heart whether i see it in other people or myself. just very painful, sad.

and it's hard to define it but somehow that'd be a nice romance for me. a kind of feel that you're both fragile, but not afraid of your partner knowing your faults ... just a lot of if-i-fall-catch-me-please and you-don't-need-to-ask. something like that. in a way, i like leaning on someone's shoulder, like snuggling and huggin and kao4 zai4 .... just leaning on and a funny sort of being indulged and taken care of. haha yeah, being taken care of. that's nice.

i don't know. like hmm "confused lil' girl". but in a nice way. it's a kind of feel, dynamic. that's the kind of stuff i would like. but how can i dictate who i fall in love with, or how my love will turn out?

so yeah. will copy lyrics over but can't bother to put spacings sorry

When I wake up well I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to youWhen I go out yeah I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who goes along with youIf I get drunk well I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to youAnd if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who's havering to youBut I would walk 500 milesAnd I would walk 500 moreJust to be the man who walked 1,000 milesTo fall down at your doorWhen I'm working yes I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who's working hard for youAnd when the money comes in for the work I'll doI'll pass almost every penny on to youWhen I come home oh I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who comes back home to youAnd if I grow old well I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who's growing old with youBut I would walk 500 milesAnd I would walk 500 moreJust to be the man who walked 1,000 milesTo fall down at your doorna na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika lana na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika laWhen I'm lonely well I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man whose lonely without youAnd when I'm dreaming well I know I'm gonna dreamI'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with youWhen I go out well I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who goes along with youand when I come home yes I know I'm gonna beI'm gonna be the man who comes back home with youI'm gonna be the man whose coming home with you.But I would walk 500 milesAnd I would walk 500 moreJust to be the man who walked 1,000 milesTo fall down at your doorna na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika lana na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika lana na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika lana na na, na na nana na na, na na nalika lika lika lika lika laBut I would walk 500 milesAnd I would walk 500 moreJust to be the man who walked 1,000 milesTo fall down at your do-o-or

actually i just like the chorus.

another thing. poems. by kylie.


To write a poem about love,
Is that which is possibly
The Most Redundant Thing on This Earth
So I shall not do so,
But I shall tell you about the things
That I catch while fishing to keep myself
Alive, while talking to the stars

On this rickety boat,
I throw out my nets
Attempting to catch something –
Not seaweed, or the corpse of a mermaid
But perhaps something to last me through
This day, something that keeps me returning to this
Ocean, to withstand it’s beating,
To taste the salty sea spray
With my tongue

Don’t you look at me this way,
It’s more than just a game
To me
This keeps me alive. And helps me resist the pull of the
Ocean’s depths.

(Why else do you think I would silently withstand the glare of the sun, the incessant cawing of the seagulls, the loneliness – yes the loneliness. Honestly, the ocean spins a lullaby that is hard to resist; and I cannot say that that thought is non-existent. I just have to keep telling myself that )

You may say that











Alas,
I’m afraid that I’m
The Most Incorrigible
(hypocrite in case i forget)
that's all i've gotten so far. was inspired ... or at least motivated by FP reviews. haha.

~ja!  ¶ 5:52 AM 0 Comments

  I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love - put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

i am not yours,
by sarah teasdale.

perfectly poetic isn't it? beautiful. i shall decide to let you guys view my drafts too.

here's another one.

bus ride by alex lloyd

like morning will keep us
locked in our arms
roses for weepers
not easy to charm
and I am not a fool

so get on that bus now
and ride it on home
lone in the back seat
with no telephone
and I am not a fool

if you want to take the world on
I will be right there beside you
but if you want to sleep the whole day through
I will be right there beside you

outside they’re waiting
the people in white
it’s crying anticipating
for someone to fight
and I am not a fool

if you want to take the world on
I will be right there beside you
but if you want to sleep the whole day through
I will be right there beside you

if you want to take the world on
I will be right there beside you
if you want to take the world on now
I will be right there beside you

gnight!  ¶ 9:09 AM 0 Comments

  another one. ermmmmmm. waits thinks.

somethin i was about to say.

ah. yeah.

the best and worst way to die.

i think the best is to die ... in the arms of someone you love. without regrets, without pain. if possible.

i think the worst is to die betrayed, with regrets.  ¶ 11:14 PM 0 Comments

  someone come and prove me wrong when i say
CHIVALRY IS DEAD.

ah. french teachers are SADISTS.

i'm glad you called, crystal.  ¶ 11:11 PM 0 Comments

  50 sentences i found a 50 sentences ficlet on fanfiction. ah so shoot me - didn't know fanfiction is so ... taboo-tic and perverse in the eyes of other people. and so that's why RGS gals and NUSHS people will not mix very well; with the exceptions of some people. like moi XD and some guys. *ahem*

here you go, 50 sentences of ... anything in general, not necessarily about me, can be randomness and song lyrics too, but considering the ficlet i copied this from (mind you it's not plagiarism. that's like some contest topic or something. oh and i hate messenger's shortcuts to emoticons. sheesh. makes it really hard to type with brackets.), it will most likely be fluffy and romantic. heh i really think chivalry is so DEAD in our current world/society; but hey i'm on the losing end =( since i really fall for all that fluff and romance. ooh and chocolate.

#1 - Comfort
I realize that (mm cut a bit out. qbttjoh uisv hbuf boe epps. go figure) braving the rain on my hair and cheek and clothes (wet white shirts? urgh. slaps my inner ___) with him is really all the comfort i could need, really.
#2 - Kiss
My first kiss is much more valuable than you think. More valuable to be lost on someone who doesn't appreciate it's true value.
#3 - Soft
The touch of his fingers on mine is surprisingly soft and gentle; maybe I should get jokvsfe more.
#4 - Pain
The true meaning of pain is something you know, and that I don't, and somehow i feel lost and like a small girl when around him.
#5 - Potatoes
Potatoes are ugly on the outside, just like him. but softens up after you shove it into the oven and turn up the heat. lol CRACK.
#6 - Rain
When i'm talking to you white skies before rain don't bother me that much. Thinking of how we used to talk about it, and how we did recently. nice memories, bad experiences.
#7 - Chocolate
I swear, if I could have him, I wouldn't need chocolate.
#8 - Happiness
Happiness is waiting for a phone call and finally having the wait proven to be of some use. CRYSTAL, YOU IDIOT! CALL BACK!
#9 - Telephone
I wish my telephone was cordless. =( again, crack.
#10 - Ears
Ears are ugly things, really. eh stumped on this one.
#11 Name
I knew your name before you told me yours.
#12 - Sensual
err cover your virgin eyes? haha you've got a kind of sensual grace about ya, pleasing on the eyes. a compliment, by the way. another statement. breathing into my ear is somehow scary but _______.
#13 Death
Talking about death with you somehow makes it seem less scary. i hope it's with you.
#14 - Sex
I don't know how and if i want it, (bondage? not sure if i'm that kinky even) but babies mean sex
yeah? i don't want to die a virgin. ^^
#15 - Touch
Touch can probably be the one catalyst to my relationships with people. I must have been a real monkey in my past life. Touch is probably the most comforting aspect about people that i like. HUGG!!!! whoo random hug. i should really go about giving out hugs.
#16 - Weakness
My weaknesses? Him and chocolate. Seperate, i meant. but together is good too. heh.
#17 - Tears
I cried tears because of how you treated me; when someone told me if you hate someone that much, you might fall in love with him ... i tried to stop crying. it ended somehow like a strangled sob between a chuckle and a sob.
#18 - Speed
You know i can beat you in speed. I wanna race you, mann, you and me. and watch you watch my back for once. heh this sentence has really gotten me into a lot of trouble before.
#19 - Wind
Wind! Somehow i seem to feel it too when i'm with him. strange, though.
#20 - Freedom
Freedom is something that comes from looking out my window into the setting sun. oh wait, my windows have metal grilles on them.
#21 - Life
why do LIFE and LOVE start and end the same way? Life is good, yeah.
#22 - Jealousy
0.o i'm jealous of a book? nice line; but not applicable to this situation. i should so totally fall for some writer/reading guy.
#23 - Hands
His hands have the ability to open doors that no one else can. into my heart.
#24 - Taste
I wonder how do people taste? or even smell? i always thought it's just saliva and plaque.
#25 - Devotion
Your devotion to ___ scares me sometimes, the blind faith. i can't say blind, but i alway's thought you were not below that.
#26 - Forever
You told me forever scares you. Back then, i would have followed you wherever you went, forever. but i guess you'd get scared. ah well; i'll always be your freak.
#27 - Blood
Blood is strangely enough, beautiful. hell, i keep my own dried blood. reminds me of my life, my vulnerability and my weakness i suppose.
#28 - Sickness
Sickness is feeling guilty and needy and weak, and hell we know we both hate that. i hate not having you by my side too.
#29 - Melody
Simple melodies and friendships and ... 'nuff said. was the best melody of them all.
#30 - Star
I love you like the stars, can you count them?
#31 - Home
home is where the heart is, you told me, and i'm still finding it. can i have multiple homes?
#32 Confusion
confusion is seeing that look, that face. it's sick in a way, and i hate it. it's staring back at me in the mirror.
#33 - Fear
Fear is the feeling of losing you guys, of imagining your corpses and ...
#34 - Lightning/Thunder
If it striked, we'd probably have a chance, a possibility of getting hit.
#35 Bonds
Bondage is ... chains are nice. bonds. sad though.
#36 - Market
I hate shopping unless it's for books. and plants. and chocolate
#37 - Technology
I'll never understand you.
#38 - Gift
Gifts are an exception to the laws too.
#39 - Smile
oh god when the boy smiles it's so beautiful wanna hold him maybe i'll just (write) about it.
#40 - Innocence
Your lost innocence makes me feel guilty for my more-or-less intact one.
#41 Completion
You complete me, you know?
#42 - Clouds
I wanna lie down on the grass and watch the clouds drift by with you. lying head to head. yepyep.
#43 - Sky
you can see the sky so much more better up there
#44 - Heaven
Heaven is something that i think exists on earth, in our hearts and minds.
#45 - Hell
Hell is when ... i can't remember you.
#46 - Sun
Thanks for the cheer up when the lack of sun, really, was getting me down.
#47 - Moon
The moon is so lonely, don't you feel it? trapped forever reflecting others' light.
#48 - Waves
so if it's coming over you, like it's coming over me, crashing like a tidal wave, that drags me out to see ... then i wanna be with you, if you wanna be with me, crashing like a tidal wave, yeah then i don't wanna be stranded.
#49 - Hair
I wonder if you guys will like the short hair =D
#50 - Supernova
For there to be a supernova, there must first be the death of a star; I hope i'll never see yours.



to the friend who wrote about the death of a star, i never want to see you die. ever. but when we do, i want to be buried next to you, at least close to you.




p.s. actually reading thru it now i realize that it's probably more personal than anything. see what you think.


oh yeah! and here's the latest about my debate with my mum. now about cohabitation. i really think it's perfectly fine, given the conditions that when you're in love, you really dont care about what other people say. practically the "screw the world =D" complex form previous posts. and also the condition that you're not necessarily having sex. heh living together, possibly sleeping in the same bed doesn't necessarily mean that you're having sex. head out of the gutter mum! so yeah, i think it shows you're dedicated enough to your ideals of love to really want to make sure you're not RUINING YOUR LIFE BY MAKING ONE STUPID DECISION, in case the man is not the right one. so really, open up your mind!  ¶ 6:20 AM 0 Comments

  hey it's been a while.

but i just want to blog about what has been the best night i've ever had during these holidays. sounds funny, huh?

what i meant, was that it has been one of the most restful and peaceful and calming periods of time that i have had.

just sitting in the dark, occasionally lying down on my bed with the covers still up, the bed still made, snuggling with my pillow, listening to the radio, looking about at my dark room, occasionally at my ceiling.

it's this unexplainable sense of calm yet at the same time it excites you too.

from my diary:
so funny. thinking about his/her liking for that song. and wondering why he llikes me. then *pauses* wait did i just write that? i meant why he likes it.


dreaming. i must be going crazy.
`end

oh yeah. i wna get drunk, like really wasted at least once in this life. for the experience.

sweat is dripping down my face, onto my leotard. argh i should have changed out. ah well, too lazy, too stubborn, to late now.

again, my mood is very bad. i hate having this kind of sensitivity to white skies. stupid. why couldn't i just be normal? *whines*. jkjk you know i'm not like that.

burnt myself yesterday. too careless, too slow. my right hand, one line across the flesh of my palm. i think it's called the mound of venus or something.

it's pretty cool, and i believe that a proper sensei can make an accurate diagnosis by checking one's hands. my mum's learning palmistry now. pretty cool huh?

random blabbering. on the other hand, dance class everyday is sweet! pretty tough i must say, tiring, plus i have to re-wear my filthy leotard and stockings every day because there's just not enough time to wash it. come the 25th of june or july, i'll have ballet on mondays too. whoo. i used to hate it, thinking it was too feminine, but it's really tough, requires lotsa heart <3, discipline, and character and drama. hahaha so now i'm pretty happy with it and my dancing. just that i need to learn to use my upper back more. and not be so stiff =)

hahahahaha. yeahyeah.

going crazy. my blinds are drawn, blocking out the cold stifling white colorless light. okay sorry that's an erra, light isn't white. but you know what i mean, don't you? i love "golden" light, but hate these kind. pretty much determines my mood too.

one more thing. IF YOU VISIT THIS BLOG, AT LEAST TAG ONCE, JUST SO I KNOW WHO IS READING, SO I CAN CENSOR OFF SOME INAPPROPRIATE TALK.

okay. done. on the other hand *tries to remember lost thoughts*. ah i forgot. that should be about it.

oh yeah i remember now. if people use my name, i don't believe that my blog is searchable, because i don't mention my name on this blog, if you notice.  ¶ 12:28 AM 0 Comments

  ai I shall not presume to know much about the true nature of love, being but yet another wanderer on this pilgrimage. However, to whomever it may concern, let me recount my journey thus far that has led me to my preliminary findings. I must admit, it has been a gruelling journey, one that has sent me to the end of my sanity and back. Yet it is inevitable for all of us; and my journey is not in the least over yet. I write this from an outpost in this desert, where the sand is everywhere, water is absent, and the stars are but holes in the night sky. The sun cannot be seen, but yet it is still there, is it not?



And so this brings us to how I made my first discovery in the midway of morning and night, between the absence and presence of the sun (in our eyes only, at least. like so many other things.) Roused from sleep, I awoke to the silver light of dawn. Suddenly, a thought struck me. Affinity was instantaneous. I must have been thrice-blessed. And so, beneath this silver light, I realized that water is like love, or rather, love is like water. Both manifest in many forms - water enjoys the freedom and mobility of a vapor, the spontaneity and grace of a liquid, and the form and rigidness of a solid. Love, is shown also in many different ways - through a mother's nagging, a friend's sacrifice, a lover's kiss, and ... there exists too many ways too name them all. They are just like the stars ... can you count them?


Also, just as water flows as a liquid, love flows through humanity as well. It pools at some places, and is lost at others as it seeps into the ground. I wonder, does this love circulate? Does one person's love cause another person's pain? Is someone bound to feel love while someone else is not? Can you hoard all the love to yourself, bringing upon yourself a flood? Even worse, can such an event cause someone else to be shut away from love, like creating a desert? So many components in this universe work on the principle of equivalent exchange - the law of conservation of momentum, the law of conservation of energy, the law of conservation of matter. "So what makes people think that love is any exception?" - Is there a limited supply of love in the universe? Is love but something that rules of supply and demand apply to as well?  ¶ 1:48 AM 0 Comments

  my trip i said i'd post, so here it is. at first was thinking about posting a teaser like those kind of getting-to-know-you-questions. but i decided not to be so bad and get down to it. XD





but first, i just want to say that ... you know those people who claim that when they blog, it's they're own prerogative to say whatever they want to say, that it may not be representative of their accurate thoughts at that moment, - and hence say whatever they want to say, insult whoever they want to insult. well, i think that's wrong. words have power, and it cuts indiscriminately. regardless of "disclaimers", words still hurt.





i'll try not to hurt anyone. hmmm i want to take on a sworn brother. mmm. but i'd be afraid of the blood. hmm.





okay, here goes. basically a condensation of my journal entries, and elaborations on some of the important revelations.





on the first 2 pages are the lyrics of cry by jame's blunt - scroll down.





here it goes:





on the plane, 23/5 (for once i'm writin my diary with dates. ^^)


100 years. i love that song.





"15 there's still time for you


time to buy and time to lose yourself


within a morning star"





i wonder how it'd be like ot get lost within a morning star.





we're on the plane now, about to leave. i know i write this almost every time i go overseas, but it's true. the clouds are pretty. it feels like we're leaving something behind, but gaining something too. (like science v.s. tradition) freedom? leaving our mark? attached by strings? like a network of thread - spiderweb. like how the world is becoming so much more cosmopolitan, how a person is not as labelled by nationality. it's such a vibrant, new, wondrous concept ... no divisions by countries but everyone as global citizens.somehow it scares me, leaving home for the wide unknown world, leaving behind my familiarity and close ones, but on the other hand i look forward to all the new things i'll find. ( sorry i know this sounds cliched but when i'm on the plane i'm mostly just racking my brains for anything to write. )



just like how university in 3 to 4 years partly scares me but thrills me too.



but i must say that ... i miss my friends already, esp. him. irks me/gets to me that i didn't say goodbye, but i can't keep on being that obvious. and it's good to take some time, see if those feelings are real ( the real thing. )



i hate losing thoughts. will sleep now.



flying over land and sea and mountains.



through glass. on the bus.



( i woke up. )

flying is a feeling of being isolated from the rest of the world, makes it easy to drift off and sleep. ( lately i've been having quite a bout of insomnia. hard to get to sleep. scares me a lot. )



(we landed)

yi1 guo2 liang3 zhi4?

roads racing past

bound for the world and beyond

"infinity and beyond"

xiao2 xu3 ( name of the local guide )



green plains and fields, people working the land. feels like a totally different existence, different way of life. half-alien, but there's a kind of feel behind that simple but admittedly hard and difficult way of life. hard to describe but there you go.



trying to soak up everythiong like a sponge (swimming) in the ocean of knowledge that is the world. ( i must explain that phrases in this format are stuff that i write on the edge of the paper. what you get here is as accurate a representation of my diary, of course a bit censored, but there you go. )



people dancing, a surge of energy brought about by a waving of hands nad shuffling of feet, kindled and sparked and flares upon chance encounters to buy fruit or ask for directions. it's amazing, and the breeze at night is a nostalgic, peaceful breeze. i love the weather here. like an idyllic, simple existence.which may well be the best kind of existence. yet maybe not. it's up to me to decide on my existence and career. time ... it's getting late ( deux entendres )



(looking back i realize that maybe those words are too big for me. who am i to believe that i understand their hardship, living in the palm of luxury? still, a slow lifestyle like that in which eating talking walking and making merry seems so prevalent seems very ideal, very well-sought.)



good night!



@ 3000 feet above sea level, 24/5



scenery like still life; there like everlasting ... russets and yellow and lilac and green. trees on mountains. it's like a beautiful unchanging face, facade. easy to believe in it's "foreverness". ( although not much is forever. is love? a song goes: nothing lasts forever. so what makes you think love does? or something like that ) but a bit cold, huh? ( or at least that's the kind of feel it gives me )



a painting of this scenery would have to be equal to ... _____ fill in the blanks. iris? admittedly not really. XD



and butterflies ...



fruits! little bundles of joy!



at the hotel now @ jiu3 zhai4 gou1 gou1 kou3. basically set off in the morning after breakfast, and kept on driving, driving, driving ...



it's nice watching the scenery go by ... our reaction clearly gives us away as tourists, but it's like we're so starved, deprived. the route curves on the mountain edge, and the ground curves, undulating. ( hehe i know where i got those words. book of longing! ) behind each hill there is yet another hill. and the river follows us through, gurgling. sometimes the water flows down the side of the mountain, and we pass by in a flash on the bus. sometimes it flows down a mountain opposite ( like in the curve between hill and hill ) in a thin slender trickle and somehow i'm drawn to it like a moth is drawn to light. the bus jiggles and jerks and my butt is now well-acquainted with the seat. but it's alright. like life, it's still alright. ( infinite ability to love, keep going. we're more resilient than we think.) somehow it's scarry as we circumnavigate ( hehe wrong choice of words i know ) the mountain. like we look up and it's like "wow. we were there." 0.o



i think that i love that certain part of iris. but i'm not in love with him as a whole. is it possible to partially love someone? ( looking back, i realize that this i probably bullshit. love is complete, and involves acceptance of your other halves' weaknesses amongst other things. )



and the trees dot the mountain, cover the mountain with beautiful shades of color, russetyellowgreenpurple. rhodendrons. it's really something, like a feeling of a warm and comfy hearth, of being at home. it's just ... very pleasing to the eye. although colors don't actually exist and are a product of the eye and senses, it's still really, really meaningful.



when will i ifnd what i'm looking for?



seeing people around me, i realize that i'm actually lazy, well-off, xing4 fu2. most of the stuff i do is like ... so easy. and i come here and see ... mmm ... relativity. we should complain less.



one thing i can't stand though, is biasness/prejudice. it seems esp. prevalent in grown-ups and ... i think you lose out on the better side of people if you choose to only see their bad side ... isn't it (true)?



it's late. i want enough rest for the crush ( and rush? ) of tomorrow. good night!



with aching feet, 25/5



went to jiu3 zhai4 gou1 today. it's like the highlight of our trip. it was ... wow. the water (water seems to be the main theme of our trip. XD "Oh, what are men compared to rocks and mountains? Or carriages that work?)  ¶ 7:11 PM 0 Comments

  drops of jupiter by train

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres room to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Repeat 1st chorus

lalalalalalalala and did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day.
did you get to fall for a shooting star
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there ...








hey i'm back. shall post about what happened, as well as hopefully my play and my essay on my preliminary findings. meanwhile, here's that song above for you guys.

yeah, i missed (all of) you while i was looking for myself out there.

ja!  ¶ 12:57 AM 0 Comments

  accidentally in love.
screw the world. =D  ¶ 4:40 AM 0 Comments

  oh yeah.

happy birthday cancy! =D

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than eve
rAnd we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

happy birthday in advance!  ¶ 2:46 AM 0 Comments

  James Blunt - Cry

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.








i'm a friend.

























note: not a bias attitude. but lately i seem to get a lot of it doled out from them.  ¶ 2:14 AM 0 Comments

  hmmm here's something for you to laugh at.

name: _______
sex: yes, please :P

don't sue me, i found this while browsing through fanfiction.

hmmm shall bury the earlier post under a lot of songs and random posts, because normally i don't usually like deleting posts - it's like altering history, an inaccurate representation of the past.

hell, it gets harder everyday. conflict and paradox and contradiction.

was a bit pissed off today. i will admit, i'm not exactly the best daughter or sister or person but hell, you're not perfect either.

okay, no song, has to go soon. but has been hanging over this for hours.

here's a quote from a fanfiction authoress i believe,

And love isn’t about being predictable or unpredictable. It isn’t about whether you’re the same or you’re different. It isn’t about what should or shouldn’t be. It’s just that feeling…that indescribable feeling…that this is right. That this is where you want to be for the rest of your life. Here. In your arms. Smiling.

here's your link http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3083261/1/


going ... bye  ¶ 11:53 PM 0 Comments

  about dayed this post is about dayeds.

i realize that i might be attracted or developing a kind of dayingness for someone. kinda strange yeah, kylre has the hots for someone and confesses it on her blog. whee.

must be midnight madness. although it is indeed past midnight now. but yeah, madness.

talking with cedric makes me realize that actually it's such an awkward relationship.

although saying this will make me sound so haughty and egoistical, but the problem between us is that he's good, but has too many character flaws. although it is debatable who is smarter, but the thing is i could like him, maybe even love him but then again i am put off by his character flaws.

and i can say that, kylre, you have commited the ultimate sin for falling into infatuation/lust with someone. oh, and now it's the hormones. whee. urgh. i feel so blah. so ashamed. so ... like i've disappointed myself and my ideals for love. but that's the only conclusion i can generalize it down to. maybe i shouldn't, but it's a complex thing. sometimes i can sense things, a hint, a whiff of something, something. but other times, i feel like i''m overstepping something. and the thing is that it just fades when we're apart ... and normally there's nothing unless we're together. so i cna't say it's anything to build a relationship on.

but wait i can't say infatuation because that's normally for someone you idolize.

all i can say now is that ... urgh i might just let myself fall but then i'm paramagnetic remember? seems like all my ethics keep on betraying me nowadays. urgh.  ¶ 10:15 AM 0 Comments

  lightning flashes too hehe. lightning flashes too. like boom boom boom.

i was about to say something hang on. oh yeah

happy birthday cedric! =D

okay i forgot whatever it was that i wanted to say. but it has something to do with fanfiction.

errrrr all inspirational thots have somehow left my mind now

till the next time then  ¶ 8:47 AM 0 Comments

  lightning here's a tribute to lightning. or rather a rough sketch because i need to record it down before a forget.

lightning flashed, tendrils extending out in a blaze of white-hot magnificence (omfg that sounds sick) (sorta like that kinda flash. hm.), coloring the sky a dark, murky, cloudy purple or violet. as it branched out , like some evolutionary tree or two-forked chart. and accompanied by thunder, a carnal roar, raw and stripped and to the bone, pure elemental. like some carnal desire or urge, a low rumbling roar that is not at all quiet in showing off it's strength.


it appears that my writing has been sparked by lightning. reminds me of sparknotes sorry brightsparks. can you believe that they spelt my name as Kylre? still, that's pretty nice. kylre.

and so lightning ... reminds me of people. hahaha emma! love that piece you did about it.



and so i'm back to reading fanfiction.
~ja!

kylre =D  ¶ 8:27 AM 0 Comments

  domestic chores hahaha so here are all the stuff i've been doing over the past 2 days:

• sweep and mop the floor
• cook lunch for me and my brother and for my dad (today only though)
• wipe the bookshelves and tables
• feed the fish
• water the plants

okay that's all. lunch has been interesting.

day 1:

udon noodles in miso soup

1. cook udon noodles in a half-pot of water, until the "insides of the noodle" are no longer white and tough and flaky and chewy, with a pinch of salt (forgot this for the first day. hehe. ). actually just chew on it until you think it's okay

2. strain/drain water and leave aside

3. cook miso soup. soak and cut dried mushrooms and seaweed.

4. start by frying mushrooms with a bit of oil

5. add the "mushroom water" from soaking, as well a bit more water depending on whether you like it soupy or dryer.

6. add miso paste.

7. add seaweed.

8. cook until seaweed is less crunchy and more edible.

9. serve with noodles.

day 2: spaghetti bolognaise

1. cook noodles (same method as udon noodles)

2. chop onions, dice tomatoes, thaw mince meat

3. fry onions in a bit of oil

4. cook mince meat

5. add tomato puree sauce or something

6. add tomatoes.

7. leave it to bubble and stew. i swear, it looks like some witch's cauldron. like blood of cat(tomato sauce) and toenails of a rhinoceros (chopped onions) and uhhhh minced meat.

8. serve with noodles.

hahaha! but i will admit, after going through al of this i have developed a lot of respect for domestic workers. it's not easy, admittedly, and i went to sleep pretty tired. hmmm. yeah.

so ... dinner however, was a dismal affair.

rice: (in which i fared admirably well)

1. soak one cup brown rice one hour before cooking

2. drain out water, add one cup white rice and wash

3. add 3 cups water

4. put in rice cooker and cook

the rest was just canned food and microwaved food. and my dad tried cooking veggies. hahaha.

so ... evaluation of moi. can't say it was that good - forgot to fetch my brother from the bus stop, plus i forgot to close the kitchen windows so water flooded to kitchen to like 0.3 cm off the floor at least. but i can say that my culinary achievements were top-rate. =D

  ¶ 7:06 AM 0 Comments

  revelations @ midnight hmmmmm i wonder if i should really write this here. nevermind. i think i'll wait until it blows over, until i'm more ready to deal with it.

meanwhile, here's a statement from my diary.

loving is like agreeing or allowing yourself to get hurt by the other party.

and i guess it's true, for me at least.

part of me is still angry and resentful and really wants to rant and flame, but i decided not to fall into this chasm again, so i guess i won't. at least not really.

i guess it's part of the blogging phenomena. why we display our lives to the world to see. i guess it's to find someone out there to listen to your problems and perhaps feedback. and it's sorta non-intrusive, like hey there's always that red-colored-cross-in-a-box. but then again, when you start flaming, it changes. it's like handing a suicidal person a gun. or allowing guns to be used. whatever. i'm against guns being allowed for use by people. guns are ... argh bad mental image. hmmmm.

but yeah, i guess it's part of my ethics and what i say and do, and how no matter what i do, i never want to become a hypocrite. that's why i can't flame without any reserves. kinda strange i guess, but yeah.

but it seems like if a person just flames inconsiderately, i guess it's like a misuse or abuse of the power of writing to influence people's minds. like propaganda, and just toying with people's minds. and that's sick. vile. evil. either way, it's just ... yeah. so i guess i really won't. but it's still that words will always have connotations, and as a writer i guess you have a kind of responsibility? a kind of responsibility to make sure your message will not have a negative effect on people. i don't mean that people should not write angst, but well at least not unfounded unreasonable angst with an intention to hurt.

i'm not perfectly forgiving or anything, and i do hold grudges and part of me really wants to confront the people who wronged me and demand an apology. but most of the time i guess i just let it blow over. just blow over. but it's hard. i think i'd need to dump this all on my other blog. sometimes diaries aren't enough. even though they do their job well enough i guess.

again if i say this it'll be like i'm trying to send a message out, so i won't say it. leave it for i guess other outlets. just scream.

hmmmm for relief from all these, later in the day will be a blogpost on my endeavours in the culinary conquests and domestic duties. which i may say, will probably be quite good too.

okay shall go and start cooking lunch. udon noodles in miso soup. hope it doesn't blow up in my face. hahaha it's the first time i'm cooking it by myself so ...

but here's a song for ya, and i really really mean it when i say i feature this song because it makes me laugh and smile, not because i wanna have someone's babies. which i don't. yet. anyway. hahaha i really don't want to have anyone's babies anytime soon.

I Wanna Have Your Babies lyrics by Natasha Bedingfield.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,
But what if it don't?
What happens in my head stays in my head,
But sometimes it won't.

What if you knew what I was thinking?
Would it make you like "Whoa!"?
I don't wanna risk putting my foot in this
So I keep my mouth closed.

[Chorus]
All you hear is"Uh uh uh uh uh uh"
Gonna button my lips so the truth don't slip
Uh uh uh uh uh uh
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout
Whoops! Did I say it out loud?
Did you find out?
I wanna have your babies
You're serious like crazy
I wanna have your babies
I see 'em springing up like daisies
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Some of my feelings keep escaping
So I make it a joke
Nonchalant I keep on faking
So my heart don't get broke
I'm in a big, big, big, big ocean
In a tiny little boat
I'll only put the idea out there
If I know it's gonna float.

[Chorus]
All you hear is
"Uh uh uh uh uh uh"
Gonna button my lips so the truth don't slip
Uh uh uh uh uh uh
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout
Whoops! Did I say it out loud?
Did you find out?
I wanna have your babies
You're serious like crazy
I wanna have your babies
I see 'em springing up like daisies

Cause in my head there's a slot machine
And I'm betting you're the one in my hopes and dreams
La la la la la, la la la la la la la
La la la la la, la la, la la...

Trust me it'd scare you
If you knew what was going on in my brain
Trust me it'd scare you
That I picked out the church, or the schools or the names
If you knew it was all about you
Every wish, every candle, every coin in the fountain
Trust me it'd scare you
That's why I go,
Uh uh uh uh uh, uh uh
Uhm... yeah

[Chorus]
All you hear is
"Uh uh uh uh uh uh"
Gonna button my lips so the truth don't slip
Uh uh uh uh uh uh
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout
Whoops! Did I say it out loud?
Did you find out?
I wanna have your babies
You're serious like crazy
I wanna have your babies
I see 'em springing up like daisies

All you hear is"Uh uh uh uh uh uh"
Gonna button my lips so the truth don't slip
Uh uh uh uh uh uh
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout
Whoops! Did I say it out loud?
Did you find out?
I wanna have your babies
You're serious like crazy
I wanna have your babies
I see 'em springing up like daisies

There's one, there's another, there's one,
Babies, babies, babies, babies...
I wanna have your babies
I... Yeah yeah haha and maybe you'll find out...

hahaha cute song eh? but really really I WANT BABIES. just not anytime soon. but really really i want babies in my life. =)

babies babies babies. hahaha funny mood swingy post. whee

~ja!  ¶ 9:20 PM 0 Comments

  domestic problems hahaha. domestic problems. that's the title of this post.

won't be very long though, i need to get to sleep. but i really want to stay up tonight ... ... ...

=)

went to bishan library today. and what i can say is that it's really funkaye and awesome. borrowed 4 biology books hahaha but it's not those kind of hard core textbooks, but more light-hearted and interesting kinds. wonder how i'm going to finish them before i leave though. will try to read darwin's origin of species this holiday but i doubt i'll be able to succeed. it'll be like fighting a losing battle but i still want to try anyway. oh yeah! i saw that boy/teenage-actor-guy from the campus superstar and the tv series ying huo cong de meng @ bishan library. or at least i think i did. hahaha i'm not those kind of people who will idolize famous people, but hmmm something noteworthy about my day? hahaha.

the maid in the household is leaving for home tomorrow, so i will take up the mantle of domestic duty in the house. so tomorrow will see me making my bed cooking lunch sweeping and mopping the floor wiping and cleaning the house. yepp.

shall keep on reporting my endeavours in the culinary arts and domestic chores. perhaps i shall share my recipes? hahaha i need to write them down to remember anyway.

hahaha okay then, bye for now.

~ja!


love to feem and chele and elven warrior and crystal and bird and cancy and rashidah and carmen


and a bittersweet kind of longing and caring for all my dayeds. can't say i have bad tastes XD

p.s. it suddenly dawns on me that i'm using three (ha)s so much lately. must be an evolutionary vestige of too much freaky maths exams and bio/  ¶ 9:06 AM 0 Comments

  ah okay. the blogger template seems screwed. nevermind, shall take my chances.

i'm really really glad exams are over. but is half-sick and woozy now. so tired. i should take better care of my body.

not much to say now. i'll leave you with this song

until the day i die by story of the year.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die too
I'd die too
You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (When I knew who I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does.

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll Take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
cos' I know I still do.

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue
Until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart so
Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do, just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah I'd spill my heart
Yeah I'd spill my heart, for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
mistakes like friends do,
my hands are at your throat
and I think I hate you
we made the same mistakes.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die.


looking back at the song lyrics and hearing the angst-ridden song, i realize that because it's me or even anyone posting this, there's an added dimension to the song. means something to me.

yeah even though we'll fall and break and shatter and cry, we'll still hang on in there. somehow. means a lot to me, this song.  ¶ 5:42 AM 0 Comments

  looking back looking back, i realize that i am such a hypocrite.

being hypocritical is one of the most easiest things to fall into, and very hard to not be. double standards are always so very easy to have, but ...

you see, i realize now that i was one of those people who will act like she's on the brink of breaking down, to ... i don't know ... get pity? no ... attention?

either way, i realize that that's so ... bad of me. then again, that was me in the past. it's only now, after reading "about a boy" that i realize how ... frustrating and irritating those kind of people.

you could say that it's not that hypocritical, but i guess another lesson learnt is that ... time changes everything.

i used to be so angsty, used to like falling into depression because of all the poetic thoughts i'd get. but now i'm learning to write about the happy things in life, the nice comforting and mellow things that penetrate my soul. like bullets. momentum. recoil. hahaha.

hmmmm but "about a boy" saved my soul? could you say that? here's a quotefrom the book, or at least a general gist of what i remember from it: "i realized that ellie's life was f***ed up because she made it to be f***ed up". something like that. basically that that girl was just trying to make her life out to be so depressing, when instead she could have chosen to see it in a different light.

hmmm here are a list of books that redeemed me.saved me. thanks so much.

about a boy by ... nick hornby, i believe.
the secret life of bees.
the diary of anne frank.
my diary? hahaha
sabriel. love always ... saved me in a different way. let me realize that people care, that not everyone is all caught up in cliques. that there are those kind of special people who will waltz into your life and change you so utterly much. hai. emma, i wonder what i would have done without you. love always ...
the little prince! yeah changed my perspective of religion, and allowed me to formulate my theory and view on religion.

i think that's it so far. the really, really influential ones.

how about you?  ¶ 11:39 PM 0 Comments

  somehow i feel ... haha discontented with myself, with my life so far.

it's sad, i aim far, i want to go far, i sacrifice things to do so ...

and i get sad when i don't manage to do so.

like some self-destructive circle

arghhhh.

like an arranged marriage but in the end we're all looking for love. someone to feel the empty spaces.  ¶ 6:01 AM 0 Comments

  failure note: pretty angsty themes.







fuck it. fuck the way it unfolded. fuck the fact that my team didn't get in. fuck the stupid competition. fuck fuck fuck.

i'm so utterly disappointed with myself, partly with my team, maybe a bit resentful. but just disappointed. i guess the competition is just screwed. like most school competitions; all the gimmicks and dressing up and faux-fake enthusiasm and smiles.

but hell, i can't totally push the blame aside, it's true that we could have done better. but that's just it; everything can always be better, everything can always be better. so if you're never satisfied and keep pushing yourself you're always gonna be unhappy.

but i feel sad. disappointed. dejected. this year so many stuff that i tried for, i have utterly failed. did not manage to get the ydsp scholarship. did not manage to get this.

i hope it's just a phase, that this is just my period of darkness that i have to go through before i see the light.

but yeah. this time, it's like no matter how hard i push myself i seem to be stuck at this place. still waiting for it to come. no, that's not the right word. i should be looking for it. but the thing is, it's always possible to push myself harder.

i guess now, the problem is to really push everything aside and just go for it. to go all out for as many competitions and scholarships and stuff as possible, to really try to improve my resume.

it's scary. university is looming near. i want to get a scholarship and go overseas.

i never want to settle for failure or second best. but this time i have to.

it's hard, but i hope this will be the only time.

after this time, i will go all out to do my best at whatever i can to boost my credentials. council, service learning, leadership. whatever it takes, i will try to do it. and it's sad, 'cos in the process i seem to be sacrificing more of me. more of my time.

creating time. yeah,









well i hope that this will be the only time. no, this will be the only time. and after all, i've still got my IR project. sad that my baby failed.

so yeah, i guess i've got to leave it behind me and really push for gold. really, really reach and strain for it, like a wild animal.








i really want it, so yeah.







let's go. let's do it. let's make this really my year to shine, my year to do myself proud.

leave the ugly scars of failure there, but behind me. and shrug aside self-doubt to reach for the best.














it's true. giving up should not be in my dictionary. and for the most part, it isn't. yeah, it isn't. i won't believe it's because i'm not good, because i know, i know that i can be good enough to really go ahead and be the best. without stepping on any others too. but i've just gotta try harder, keep on pushing through all these obstacles. and just ... just do it.





yeah.  ¶ 4:03 AM 0 Comments

  people it's been ages since i've last posted, but lately i've begin to really realize that there are real people underneath the facades that we see everyday; that there is really raw emotion and character beneath sculpted masks.

i guess that's a relief, and a really glad thing to know. lately i've been really into gazing at people. especially very interesting people. people always catch me with some of my "faces" - i guess those are like brief moments of my innermost feelings. like jong catching me with my scornful face; or sharlene catching me with my happy-food face; and cancy ... haha i can't even start to name them.

sometimes i wear my heart on my sleeve, i think. but it's really nice to know i'm not alone.

and i guess i'm not alone in another aspect too. well i don't think you read this but take care okay? i hope that whatever happened to you, the scars will fade.

hai ... it's interesting, trying to read people. i really want to learn how to do that well. and it's interesting to see it, especially in times of change.

i wonder if people find it unnerving or freaky. all i can say is that it's something real to me.

but yeah and how msn screennames can be emotional outlets. but at the same time it depresses the people who care to read them and figure them out. i wonder how many people are like that. but i think there are people like that - not everyone is that uncaring, i believe. but yeah i guess that's the problem, by expressing angst, you infect other people unwillingly perhaps with that angst.

hmmm it's nice to play that game. hahaha saying sorry has now become a funny thing between me and some people. -iris- haha. hmm started out to make him feel guilty. now it's a really funny thing. insane laughter rocks my world!

i love it when people can just let go and let loose. i want to see people's most truthful faces; not just to know their secrets, but i guess if you know someone's faces that well it's a really deep and established level of connection and that just really moves me, and at the same time i guess that depth of relationship requires a lot of management and care. but i love those moments, those relationships. they come perhaps once or twice every lifetime, and i'm really touched by them, really want to hold onto them and find them in my life.

it's more than that. hahaha.

here's a song for you

Katherine McPhee
Neglected

If these walls could talk, baby
What would they say?
They've been a witness to all of the pain
I gave you everything I had to give
Now I'm so empty cause you had your fill
You took the life from my face
The more you try to tell me that you changed
The more I feel neglected
If this is how you try to make it up to me
Then let's just end it
I don't like this feeling anymore
I don't like this feeling cause whenever I'm around you boy
I know that I won't be respected
Just neglected

All that I wanted was you by my side
But you walked in front of me all of the while
And all that I ever did was good enough
Well thank you baby cause you made me tough
Now I can go on my way
On my way
The more you try to tell me that you changed
The more I feel neglected
If this is how you try to make it up to me
Then let's just end it
I don't like this feeling anymore
I don't like this feeling cause whenever I'm around you boy
I know that I won't be respected
Just neglected

I never saw it coming
I should have kept on running
Instead I was there by your side believing all of your lies
How could you neglect me
Straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love
How could you neglect me
Straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love

The more you try to tell me that you changed
The more I feel neglected
If this is how you try to make it up to me
Then let's just end it
I don't like this feeling anymore
I don't like this feeling cause whenever I'm around you boy
I know that I won't be respected
Just neglected

How could you neglect me
straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love
How could you neglect me
straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love
How could you neglect me
straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love
How could you neglect me
straight up disrespect me
How could you neglect my love

neglected by katherine mcphee. i love this singer's works, check out "over it" too will post it next time.

it's a powerful song on getting over it, getting over bad stuff.

i'm over it, believe it.  ¶ 1:43 AM 0 Comments

  "Pieces Of Me"

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cos' you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...
I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...
So I can breathe

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

yeah. another song is just so you know by jesse mcartney. if that's how his name goes.

on another note, the gamelan concert was awesome! =D but dead tired once i reached home and collapsed into my bed.

and the presentation and food was nice too. i meant the project presentation haha.

yeah ... so yepp i heard that song last night, and was very touched by it ... it's a pretty cool track, and i love that verse!  ¶ 9:19 PM 0 Comments

  st patricks day! err .... happy st. patrick's day!!!!!

and so i went to my mum's church today for the st. patricks day celebration. great craic, that. the atmosphere was really cool, so lively, all the energy coming from a lot of people having fun and being totally at ease with each other. and it's a kinda longing i guess ... these kinda stuff always unbalance me, just when i thought i was getting better, finding my centre of balance/gravity.

and the dancing ... woah ... a flurry of hands and feet, moving in perfect coordination. irish tap-dancing (i think) is really really cool. especially the circle thingy.

and the sky ... dark blue against a cool breeze blowing, and the fireflies swarming near the lights.

nice, spiritual, that.

and the music, irish/celtic/gaelic? music is so incredibly haunting, so touching and sweet.

i wanna get to know this culture.

and reading people ... today, at the shopping centre,i realize how s'pore and this world is becoming more cosmopolitan, more mixed, melange ... it's really nice.

i asked my parents today: would they mind if i married a foreigner?

my grandma's pretty open, but my parents, i discover are a bit more conservative. of course i'd prefer someone, but i don't think we can decide who we love.

most important is that he is a good person and the person i love. XD  ¶ 7:03 AM 0 Comments

  here's something i wrote last night before i was like chased off the computer and into my bed by my mum. where i spent like 1 - 2 hrs tossing and turning in bed. i swear i'm getting insomniac-y.

on emo- writer guys.
and how I made the mistake of liking one.
aw mann but come on guys like that are pretty dayeable. sorry not dayeable, far from it. opposite of dayeable material. but very very ... rawr this feels weird writing, but very very hott. can you blame me?
was talking on the phone with hype last night like a girl and her girl friend. but yeah it was pretty cool I should do that more. oh yeah. and freaky joke, that.


and this is what i read on youtube searching for videos. cos' alas! radioblog's down. =(

"There are so many religions across the world, no single one can surely be "the right one" for everyone. Maybe there's something else that pulls us through the harder times - something more broad and less exclusive than religion. Something with no boundaries, deities, or worship places. Love? Inner strength?"

what i think about it is that religion tries to encompass that "something else", and does a pretty good job of it, but what i want to experience is that something else itself. so there's other ways of getting to really know that "something else".

rawr i sound so incoherent but it's the best i can do at this state.

mm and i love ginger tea! hot, stinging, burning - but sweet, after the hot you get the sweet so it's pretty cool, and a life lesson in itself.  ¶ 2:43 AM 0 Comments

  seventeen 17.

here's 2 songs on this number. one sad, very angsty, and very depressing. reccomended by a book. and the other, pretty funky.

speaking of funky, i got a new set of earrings. they're black hearts. kinky angst, huh?

here they are:

Backseat of her daddys car
I was trying not to go too far
Kept thinking about the words the preacherman said
Lightnin flashed across the sky
I saw love in a young girls eyes
And thats a look you never forget

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Legs hangin off the bayou bridge
Feedin fish potato chips
And talkin about the mysteries of the universe
Yeah the world was somewhere else
We had the summer all to ourselves
And the stars went off like fireworks

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Seventeen only comes once in a lifetime
Dont it just fly by wild and free
Goin any way the wind blew baby
Seventeen livin on crazy dreams
Rock and roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Yeah seventeen
Sweet seventeen






and here's the depressing one.


"AT SEVENTEEN"
By Janis Ian
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...




it's real sad, ain't it? really really sad how people are denied possibilities because of appearances or how they are.

but hey it's not as bad as the me that i'm trying to change ...

haha and a big shout-out to crystal and michele:

hey thanks for today! rocked my miserable, boring life to the far reaches and back. although still trying to figure out manhae ... haha! love the earrings, and loved the food. hope we can go for free pasta one day! =) awww yeah now i'm addicted to nice cakes.

so yepp thanks for today yeah!

i wonder if people thought that we were les though. just a thought.

anyway so yeah what a day!!!  ¶ 2:35 AM 0 Comments

  blogging it's the school holidays now.

what i want to do in this span of time is to change myself. i know i'm introverted, shy, clumsy, sometimes rather blatant and blunt - and really lacking in social skills except in one-on-one conversation.

but actually i think i like the introverted me. being introverted, it allows me to glimpse the cliques and social groups and "rituals" and regulations from a different point of view, sometimes even scorn at them. which in itself is a problem i guess ... i'm no better than most of them, some of them maybe even better than me too. but i like it. i think of stuff, and i like it; cos' life is really more than just the superficial small successes we discover in it; but of the meanings and feelings and many other stuff of life and small actions. and even that doesn't cover it. life is too complex to even describe, and it's pretty meaningless to try to i guess ... the only way ot know is to live it, and even so, people's views will differ, y'know? ah, kylie, you're such a redundant person. not your existence, never. just thhe stuff you do. but it doesn't hurt does it? maybe it'll give rise to important stuff. but who am i to judge if it's important or not?

but i want to be bold and confident and outgoing and expressive too, it's just that it's hard for someone to be introverted and outgoing, you know? i want both worlds, but it's hard to straddle the fence between the both. it's awkward, i'm thinking about that a lot. and you know most people are, like, they only recognize outgoing people and their achievements, not always the silent, quiet people and their achievements, though they may be equally as good. you know? that's nothing short of unfair ... introverted is just the way we might be, there's nothing wrong with that?

then why do i still want to change? i want the other side too, but i guess that's more because of what the people around me think and want and prefer.

this is such a bother. maybe i shall grow up to become some hermit or recluse. but i don't think so ... after all, i want to find my significant other one day, and i want a family and all ...

and i worry about being too self-centred, it's awkward, i don't think much about people, even though i still do, when i have time. i think about people i see on the street as things to prod at and observe, and it scares me. i want to find out about them, be able to read them from they're appearance and actions. but most of the time, when my mind drifts, it's towards more philosophical and literature-ish stuff like the pleasant things i enjoy about life, their meanings and all. i'm still trying to find out whether it's good or not, the way i want to be.

but actually, i think i pretty much like being so thoughtful about things; just wondering if it's the way i want to go.

could i change who i am? should i try to change who i am? is that a betrayal of my soul, of the gifts given to me when i was created? is that betraying me, going against who i am? is it?  ¶ 9:17 AM 0 Comments

  yeah blogging is a good thing for me i think, allows me to voice out my thoughts really easily.

was reading cancy's blog. if love is a choice as well as an emotion, - oh wait. actually i don't think love is an emotion, it's a hard thing to classify and maybe it shouldn't be at all, but it's something that runs deep in our lives whether we can see it or not invisible threads and all. - does that mean that you can force yourself to love someone?

just a thought.

and other stuff coming up. soon.  ¶ 9:01 PM 0 Comments

  just a thought.

can you choose who you fall in love with?

can you avoid love?

thinking ...

haha shall read pride and prejudice to find those answers.  ¶ 2:23 AM 0 Comments

  heyy.

the weird thing is that i slept so much today, just caught in that tired cocoon of fatigue and aching joints and heavy eyelids. and it's cool, it'll in the late afternoon and i just woke up, so you get that warm golden stream of light and warmth and i must say, i love that kind of sun. that kind of warm that seeps into your bones, and makes you wanna smile. makes me think that happiness, and satisfaction, and content, is golden in color. it's hard to explain, but i want to, i want to keep this feeling with me forever. it's like a kind of presence, like even your inner self is resting, a respite from the world. it's like you're being cradled, by a surreal presence and hand, it's fingers slowly tracing your lines working out the tension and hurt, and you feels the patterns and whorls and eddies in that touch.

which brings me to ... hands are nice too. nice to see, nice to examine. i'd think that they're one of the more sensitive, more personal, more private, more "introspective" parts of people. and so if i find my guy, i'd be content with just holding his hands, examining it slowly, and looking into his eyes. what's most important is the love.

and next ... yeah i know sleep makes people appear vulnerable, and we are naturally vulnerable in sleep i guess. did you know dolphins sleep with one eye open? i wonder how beings that don't get proper rest like we do manage to be so joyful and playful and happy! but yet i think they're mature and sombre at times too. i love dolphins, they used to be my favourite animal, but i diversified, and really they're all beautiful. even frogs.

well, that's a nice theme(colors and feelings) ... let's continue racing down this track.

but at the same time i think that happiness and content and satisfaction is the color of coffee. that warm, sweet, bitter if you want it ... yeah that kind. or even hot chocolate. it's awesome, when you're cold, or when you just want something nice to gulp down.

and i think maturity, or a kind of witty, sarcastic, sophisticated kind of people are represented by the color of tea. that kind of yellow-brown color filled with happiness, wit, maturity, sophisticated chic and all. a kind of tranquility, sombreness?, peace. those people are very, very interesting. i'd love to know someone like that. although hopefully i wouldn't feel inferior. ah well. but they're different blends of teas ... depends ... those kind of poeple come under so many different categories.

and highness ... now that's interesting. i'd say it's hot pink. gasps!

if not, then blue? light blue, that kind of lively, vibrant blue. not the sky though, the sky is more on the calm and tranquil happiness.

and seriousness? i'd say dark blue, or ... oh wait no it's grey. that's seriousness for you.

dark blue ... fine this may come out a bit weird but i think it's a positively sexy color. okay no that sounds so weird. it's a beautiful color that bodes elegance, sophisticated-ness, confidence. yepp.

black ... most people would say despair but i don't think so. black is such a complex color. it all depends on your mood and situation, i think. yeah. it can be comforting, just a void, nothing to judge you, just a blanket that covers up the wounds and sorrow. but at the same time, it's the same void of feeling? of hope?, that makes you wanna find something to fill it with. that feeling that makes you despair and drag yourself into that black, swirling maelstrom.

maelstrom. that makes me think of this infinitely powerful storm, of dark, of desire, of energy and power. it should scare me, but i guess it makes me feel awed, just the thought of it.

shiyang wonders if ... hey that's a nice start. like _____ wonders if she ever loved him. or something even more screwed up like that.shiyang wonders if writers mean every bit of the connotations and meanings that they put in. i think some of it can be just really a quick decision, not one that had been pondored much. but yet, when i write, i can really feel that choice, that freedom of choice that allows you to do so much with writing. and even though i learnt that words can't cover everything, i'm still writing, still filling the silences and empty space with words and dance sprawling across the blank canvas.you can hurt, i learnt that last year. although i think i'm over that now. i hope so. and you can perform emergency stress-relief, keeping yourself from going over the edge. but i guess, the most of all, it's to create something. to bring something new into this world, you know? it's hard to explain but i like creating things. like the way they're always new, vibrant and special.

wow. that was very, very nice. like some marathon writing session? i think it was around a half-hour long. but it's nice, it takes away a part of me and stores it somewhere safe, but no i'm not afraid that i'll lose that part of me, 'cos if i don't write i won't know it exists anyway, it'll just be locked up tucked away somewhere safe, not exposed to the scrutiny of my thinking mind and of other people, under which then it'll truely shine, y'know?

oh and on the colors? i have yet to figure out the color, or even smell of love. i think they'll be the hue and aroma of my guy, when i meet him.

yeah.  ¶ 1:35 AM 0 Comments

  hmm so here's what happens.

i fall. it looks weird, like that nike symbol. or a tadpole with a long tail. cancy says it's a shooting star scar. (haha try reciting that seven times) the weird thing is that it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. and actually, i'd rather this happen than me sprain my ankle. so weird. why doesn't it hurt???

the thing that made me angry, was someone telling me not to run around at the gym area which was what i was doing when i fell. asking me if other people did it, and when i said no, then his oh-so-witty rebuttal was that since others don't do it, why should i?

that's so fucked up. accidents happen. if you trade freedom and happiness for safety, your life isn't going to be worth much, is it? it depends on your values i guess. what you want from life. but for me, i wanna live life how it's meant to be lived, not just dying away but really living it.

shan't be haunted by that anymore.

here's a song for ya,

I’m American made,Budlight, Chevrolet. My mama taught me wrong from right. I was born in the south sometimes I have a big mouth when I see somethin’ that I don’t like. I gotta say it! Well we’ve been drivin’ this road for a mighty long time payin’ no mind to the signs. Well this neighborhood’s changed it’s all been rearranged. You left that dream somewhere behind.

(Chorus)
Slow down you’re gonna crash! Baby you’re a screamin’, “It’s a Blast, blast, blast!”
Look out babe, you’ve got your blinders on! Everybody’s lookin’ for a way to get real gone.
Real gone, yeah Real gone!

But there’s a new cat in town, he’s got high painted fins Thinks he’s gonna change history you think you know him so well, yeah you think he’s so swell but it’s just perpetuatin' prophecy Come on now

(Chorus)
Slow down you’re gonna crash! Baby you’re a screamin’, “It’s a Blast, blast, blast!”
Look out you’ve got your blinders on! Everybody’s lookin’ for a way to get real gone.
Real gone, yeah Real gone!

Well you can say what you want but you can’t say it ‘round here ‘cause they’ll catch you and give you a whippin’. Well I believe I was right when I said you were wrong. You didn’t like the sound of that, now did ya?

Chorus
Slow down you’re gonna crash! Baby you’re a screamin’, “It’s a Blast, blast, blast!”
Look out you’ve got your blinders on! Everybody’s lookin’ for a way to get real gone.

Here I come and I’m so not scared! Got my pedal to the medal; got my hands in the air. Look out, you take your blinders off! Everybody’s lookin’ for a way to get real gone.

even though i don't know what real gone means ...

i love this song for its infectious beat and atitude!

so peace, y'all.  ¶ 6:56 AM 0 Comments

  prose hmm i shall try and redeem myself. by posting.

sometimes i think that if you put something in poetry, it looks better than in just prose, y'know?

even though it might be the same thing.

it's funny, i like those moments when you're not troubled by tests and stuff, it's just you and stuff and it's just very nice.

here's from fanfiction, very nice:

"humans are like tea ...

...

... (a few paragraphs later)

And i like my tea a certain way. Strong, bitter, sweet if you concentrate hard and look for the taste. I'm all for the unique blend ... a mix of many things."

yeah. i'm like a self-confessed (well now i am) fluff addict. but i specialize mainly in the fluff that still retains a bit of intelligence. haha. yepp.

it's strange how stuff is disintegrating. how my words are coming apart, and how slowly i'm finding that words just aren't enough to describe my feelings. or maybe my vocabulary is generating. but i think it's both. it's interesting to watch people; different people are different around different people. around hype i'm loud and indignant, around friends i'm happy and high, around carmen, i'm happy and high and also ummm yeah perverted. hey that's not an insult yeah? and around my bro i'm snappy.

rawr it occurs to me that i really should spend more time with him. oh haha my brother i mean.

then it's like how dance is becoming so much more of a thing in my life nowadays, it's cool.

and yeah i wanna run.

but it's weird yeah? how sometimes there's so much stuff to do and too little time. but isn't it always so for everything? everytime?

hmm so here's a glossary of me:

weird means awkward, strange, alien, but really it's a diluted form of me asking why?

hey cos english is based on your definition of your words, you know? i'd rather know myself than have other people know me. as in, understand me i guess.

the elite. get away with bloody murder. so screwed.

how sometimes i feel wronged my people, that they did something wrong towards me but don't notice and go on not even fucking noticing. like i don't even matter. how sometimes it's like i'm invisible because people don't see me. they just see the outside yeah? admittedly i don't go about flashing my true self out, but i guess i am entitled to say that i'm just like that.

i'm not loud around most people. if i'm loud and high around you, i guess that's a compliment as to the easei n which i can interact with you i guess. i can be quiet, introvert, ... it's just on who you are relative to me.

which is strange.

as in i'm not like those girls. those people who are the centre of attention cos they're always loud and hyper and funny. oh and did i mention that pretty is a prerequisite for SL3101? oh yeah, how screwed. it takes a lot not to hate them. resent them. feel jealous.

but hey i'm me, they're them, i have my thoughts, they have ... whatever they have or gain out of SL3101 and ...

if our lives fork off, then they do ... because. i'm different. i guess everyone is. but yeah. the weird parts of me.

the complexity of stuff.

it's how i want to live this life. seeing underneath the underneath, seeing theh iddne beauty in people, life, things.

and beauty isn't a prerequisite. not for that module anyway. maybe for ML310infinity.

yeah.


bloggin is a kind of paradox for me, though, i guess.  ¶ 8:23 AM 0 Comments